(no subject)
Alright so I thought I'd update my live journal for once because I thought if I wrote down my thoughts, it might help me to see things more clearly. Basically I have been thinking about my personal life a lot in the past months (or even years) and I have come to the realization that I'm not really a happy person right now. I have so many issues to deal with to finally be able to be free and find happiness but I just can't find the strenght to do all these changes. I'm scared to face my inner-demons and it seems like it's easier for me to live an unhappy and un-fulfilling life where I don't have to deal with my problems than to actually stand up for myself and work for my happiness. It's just so stupid. I look at people around me and their lives just seem so much better and more simple. I know everybody has their own problems and stuff but I feel like mine are harder to deal with lol.
I think I should just write down all the things I'm worried about and then try to find solutions for each of them. Might be easier this way.
I think ultimately my biggest problem is the fact that I'm still in the closet. I'm not ashamed of being gay, I'm just scared of how my life could change if I told my family, friends, etc about it. I just keep imagining the worst scenario even though I know they would probably be fine with it. By not telling people close to me, I feel like I'm hiding my true self to them and I just don't feel like they know the real me. I've been trying to hide it for years but I feel like I can't live this way anymore. I feel that a part of me is dying inside. There's this line from a Mariah Carey song 'Butterfly' that expresses pretty well what I'm feeling : ''Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies''. I know my life would be so much easier if I came out. I could date people and finally gain some self-esteem. I just can't get myself to get out of my daily routine and change things around. It's sad really because I'm not leading a very fulfilling life right now. Hopefully I can get myself to stand up for myself as a human being soon because I don't think I can keep living like this much longer. It's really affecting me personally and physically. By fixing this problem, all my other problems would probably go away too. I'd probably be a lot more motivated about school, work and doing the things I like.
So yeah that's about it for now. I think my new year's resolution will be to finally be proud of who I am and to live my life fully without caring about what people might think of me. I'm wasting so much fucking time and I gotta enjoy life more. Yep that's all for tonight.
If anybody is reading this, you might think I'm just rambling on and on about stupid stuff but by writing this down, I really think I've realized how much pain I've gone through in the past years and it's been such a waste of time. I shouldn't care so much about what people think of me. After all, if they can't love me as I am, they aren't worth my time and certainly not worth being upset about. This whole issue has affected me so much as a person, I deserver much better. My destiny is in my own hands and I hope to be able to take the bull by the horns soon and get working on my own inner peace. I've been through a lot of emotions while writing this and it's helped me see things more clearly (which was intention when I first started writing this haha).
I think I should just write down all the things I'm worried about and then try to find solutions for each of them. Might be easier this way.
I think ultimately my biggest problem is the fact that I'm still in the closet. I'm not ashamed of being gay, I'm just scared of how my life could change if I told my family, friends, etc about it. I just keep imagining the worst scenario even though I know they would probably be fine with it. By not telling people close to me, I feel like I'm hiding my true self to them and I just don't feel like they know the real me. I've been trying to hide it for years but I feel like I can't live this way anymore. I feel that a part of me is dying inside. There's this line from a Mariah Carey song 'Butterfly' that expresses pretty well what I'm feeling : ''Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies''. I know my life would be so much easier if I came out. I could date people and finally gain some self-esteem. I just can't get myself to get out of my daily routine and change things around. It's sad really because I'm not leading a very fulfilling life right now. Hopefully I can get myself to stand up for myself as a human being soon because I don't think I can keep living like this much longer. It's really affecting me personally and physically. By fixing this problem, all my other problems would probably go away too. I'd probably be a lot more motivated about school, work and doing the things I like.
So yeah that's about it for now. I think my new year's resolution will be to finally be proud of who I am and to live my life fully without caring about what people might think of me. I'm wasting so much fucking time and I gotta enjoy life more. Yep that's all for tonight.
If anybody is reading this, you might think I'm just rambling on and on about stupid stuff but by writing this down, I really think I've realized how much pain I've gone through in the past years and it's been such a waste of time. I shouldn't care so much about what people think of me. After all, if they can't love me as I am, they aren't worth my time and certainly not worth being upset about. This whole issue has affected me so much as a person, I deserver much better. My destiny is in my own hands and I hope to be able to take the bull by the horns soon and get working on my own inner peace. I've been through a lot of emotions while writing this and it's helped me see things more clearly (which was intention when I first started writing this haha).