SHINee { Taemin-centric; 가위눌림 gawee nulim }
taemin-centric | pg-13 | 1394w
he never wished for it. maybe.
가위눌림
He has visions of things, vaguely and he barely remembers the whole thing and it repeats and repeats in his mind for the rest of the day. He usually thinks it’s nothing insignificant but it ends up repeating in back of his mind. And he keeps wondering and thinking until the teacher shouts “Taemin!” out loud and he has to remember again what class was he in and what subject was he studying and finally gives up when he even forgets the teacher’s name and eventually goes for detention after school. (where he thinks again and doodles on his book while the teacher in charge sleeps with a magazine covering his face.)
He continues thinking as he walks home from school, he stops to greet his neighbor and stops again for lunch. (They had chicken stew that day and Jinki-hyung would be upset if he eats halfheartedly.) He still remembers as he’s lying on his bed at midnight, he forgets by tomorrow.
He remembers again when the déjà vu happens, and he gets upset. Because he couldn’t enjoy the moments in his life without having the thought at the back of his mind that he’s done this before, he’s seen this and it kind of spoils some important moments of his life (and he has a pretty normal life).
It irks him to no end and he just wishes the visions would go away. Because it makes him think, he keeps thinking so much. What, why, when, how. It floods his mind and takes up the time of his daily routines. The count in his Pokédex stays at 74.
Sometimes the déjà vu hits him so hard he feels as if he’s losing his centre of gravity and everything starts spinning and his vision turns blurry and the last thing he sees was the mop of brown hair that belongs to his hyung before blacking out.
His parents worry, he tells them he’s just tired and that he’d forgotten to eat lunch. They accepted his reason easily because they we’re tired too of work and thinking about the things at home would just worsen their burden. But Jinki glares at him from the side because he lied and he did have lunch, with Jinki. Jinki asks the next day, and he tells.
“Maybe you’re just stressed? Loosen up, go hang out with Kibum or something.” Jinki said, gave him a smile and pats his back.
But Jinki was a logical thinker, who thinks of theories in his mind and makes up plans before he acts. And if things go wrong, Jinki would have numerous plan B’s, C’s, D’s. Logically Jinki would think that way. But Taemin isn’t stressed, he doesn’t do much anyway, there’s simply nothing to be stressed about. (and if he is stressed that it would be probably about him having nothing to be stressed about and feeling the need to feel the stress like the people around him does.)
The unusual occurrences doesn’t stop there.
He sometimes gets the feeling of something watching him. When he’s on his laptop, or while getting some milk from the fridge, doing his homework. At first he thought it was his hyung because Jinki creeps a lot but he turns his head to an empty bedroom, kitchen, living room, street, window. And it keeps playing around with his mind, till he couldn’t distinguish the feeling from the reality. It made him alert, so conscious of his surroundings, sometimes afraid. He’d wish that something could actually be there, but then he remembers the horror movies Kibum drags him along to watch and he doesn’t dare to look back.
Then it starts to disturb him with his hearing. Faint footsteps, creaking doors, faint sounds that he couldn’t figure out. He ignores them, though he still jumps at the happenings. He guesses it’s normal, since there were many stories like that, and stories, made up or not must have some sort of memory attached to it. (and then being exaggerated to the point its damn ridiculous, but people still waste their money on it.) Still it made him uneasy, and he hated being alone.
Soon it got worse, way worse. When he couldn’t sleep at night, because he was tired, too tired and he was afraid. He remembered the first time it happened. He couldn’t move because there was something pressing on top of his chest, like a huge weight was dumped onto him, it doesn’t hurt, yet it paralyzed his whole body. He was unable to move. He tried to shout for his hyung but nothing came out, like he lost his voice. The only sound he hears was a constant buzzing sound in his ear. He kicks and screams, he fights to be free, to no avail, and he was so frustrated he wanted to give up. But his mind screamed “No!” he shouldn’t give up. He kept struggling.
It felt like a really long time until was free. He was sweating, his muscles ache and he was thirsty. But all he could comprehend was that he was scared, so damn scared.
It wasn’t long until the things started speaking, with voices he’s heard before, poor imitations of the living. It gave him goose bumps all over and he becomes so cold that it hurt, his bones hurt. The same words kept repeating, some he couldn’t even make out. It taunts him, it teases him, it scares him. Some voices so soft, some so loud he thinks he’s going deaf. He doesn’t want to understand, he wants to get out, and go far far away. But he’s still stuck, frozen and so afraid. He managed to open his eyes and he sees a black silhouette near his legs, like a shadow. Terrified, he closes his eyes again and continues his helpless struggle to move and he pleads that someone, anyone please, help.
It felt like hours, before he was freed. He ran, a fast as he could, towards his hyung’s room. He was a crying mess in Jinki’s embrace.
He learned that there was no way to stop it. He’d tried everything possible, once he refused to sleep and stayed up all night and went to school the next day with horrible eye bags that made Kibum shriek and apply his face with layers of foundation. (kibum also made him tell the truth which led to his hyung finding out and him scolded.)
He tried to hurt the things, punching it once. But he ended up being chocked and it felt so real and he thinks that oh god is he going to die a virgin before he falls of his bed. There were no marks, but the pain still lingers around his neck. He never tried again.
And so he tries to live with it. Some nights, he was free to sleep in the comfort of his bed, untouched. But sometimes it gets so bad that he couldn’t even finish closing his eyes before he’s pulled into the paralyzing state. And at times, it pushes him again and again, never giving up, until he gives up and lets it take over his body (which he will never do), still he thought about it. What would happen to him, if he does and he almost did, but halfway he thought about his parents, his hyung, Kibum and that he still owes Jonghyun money (he never guessed Minho preferred men) and decides against it.
He gets sleepy and tired. So tired, he just refuses to sleep and stares into space, sitting on the edge of his bed in his dark room. He doesn’t know what to think of, the thought of sleeping suffocates him.
Jinki would find him, and he’ll just stare at Jinki and listen to his hyung’s worried words. Jinki would tell him that everything is okay and put him to sleep.
“No, nothing will ever be okay.” He says to Jinki one day, lying on a bed that wasn’t his. His hyung was crying.
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Patient Name: Lee Taemin
Age: 19
Blood Type: B
Reason of admittance: Insomnia; patient found unconscious in his room, the cause being overdose of sleeping tablets; Minor depression; Minor delusions
Guardian: Lee Jinki
Note: Lee Taemin is to be observed at all times; is believed to have more symptoms of mental illness. So far doesn’t show signs of being violent.
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a/n; loosely based on self-experience + exaggeration.