(no subject)

[dinnerfor4]

i don't know what has come over me lately, but seriously, I cannot stop thinking about shey. the boyfriend from last year. it's 2:25 and i can't sleep because all i am doing is picturing him in my mind, replaying conversations in my head, scenes i remember from being at his house, when he came to visit me in poughkeepsie, our last night together, our goodbye, picturing him walking into the train station knowing that i most likely won't see him ever again. that kills me. b/c i think in my mind...i really believe we will cross paths again. that we are meant to be. i picture being in israel at a beach or something, and seeing his tattoo (on his back) and recognizing that it is him. or in 25 years from now, coming across a random person with eyes that just seem so familiar...and it be him. i am taking hebrew now, and i think that is what makes me think of him so much. part of the reason i am taking it is b/c of him. even though i know i prob wont see him again to speak to him in the language. figure that one out. some serious psychoanalyzing needed. i have an e-mail address for him and i send him emails but no response. it scares me. i worry something happened to him and i would never know. i knew his last name but i forgot it. so i cant look up his name for news articles. seriously i am bugging out. i just wish i could contact him. i sent him an e-mail just a second ago. i would be so happy if he responds. i doubt it though. the most amazing thing would be, if this year in the crossgates mall, standing at the kiosk mid-mall, was him. i think i would marry him. i dont care. i want a cigarette right now but all i think about is the way he held his winstons. between the pointer and middle fingers right between the first and second knuckles. his elbow was always on his right thigh which was always crossed over his left leg. at first it turned me off...it seemed almost gay the way he crossed his legs. but i know he wasnt. and i loved the way he would sit. we would always sit by the window on the left (of their living room) on plastic deck chairs there would be no lights on in the house, only the lights coming in from the street. it was the perfect amount of light. it hit his face just right and made him look perfect. once we finished our cigarette he would look at me and say "meta" which means bed. we would actually go and scope first. then after, we would go into his bed, and i would fall asleep in his arms. i so badly wish i could have that feeling, of being in his arms, even just one more time.

i need to go to bed. i know i wont be able to fall asleep. but i will try, and hopefully have sweet dreams about him.

meta