Heavy thoughts

[dinktoucher]

So every once in a while I can't sleep at night so I lay in bed thinking. Tonight is one of those nights and I was thinking about some decisions I have made in the past and how I have reacted in certain situations and my motivations for doing so. I have come to realize in a way part of the person that I truly am. My selfishness and fear has affected to much in my life. I know all the right things to say to people, the proper behavior, the way I should be .... the dictionary definition. But not to far under the surface my motivations are clear. I do the things that I do only because I am afraid to loose the things or people that make me feel good. In the past I have acted out of fear so badly I have driven people away that perhaps truly did care about me. I let my selfishness and fear blind me until I filled up with hate so full for someone it was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and went to sleep. When really had I actually truly been thinking about that person and not my fear to loose them and the way they made me feel. Things wouldn't have turned out so badly. The terrible thing about hate is it is worse than a cancer. It will fucking slowly kill every part of you that makes you human if you let it. Perhaps this is why I have had such a hard time getting any sort of attachments to people or things. I hope to repair some of this damage that I have done to myself and be more self aware in the future. Maybe do something not because it makes me feel good or is what I need. But because maybe I have something to give to another person that they can't get or because I truly want to do something kind to make someone else feel better.

Perhaps this is to personal for live journal but I am comfortable enough with all the people on my friends list having this information.