ugh...
Just got back from the mall with Joann. We filled out applications. I may work at american eagle, she told me to come back next wednesday or thursday. If I get the job, I would get a discount. I'm excited.
....So for the past couple of days my emotions have been running wild. I've cried so hard and laughed so much and cried again. One minute I'm fine and I don't think about it and I'm confident I'll just get over it. The next I'm like ugh...why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like crying, but can't? Why me? Why can't I just forget? I won't lie, it wasn't just a crush. Kendra, brittany, eleshia those were crushes. This was just different...
The conversation I had with her online yesterday, was the last...I don't know...straw. Like everything was too much. So, the first person I called was amanda, one of my closest friends and I was like I have to talk to you now. She came over and I told her I was gay/bi(still don't know) and everything that I'd been through in the past 4 months. And I told her mom and her mom loves me. I was scared they'd both see me differently but they didn't. It was soooooo liberating. For 2 hours, I had forgotten about the hurt and the frustration of everything. then I came home and I told my mom. It was like she wasn't even fazed. We talked for hours. The context of the conversation didn't change much. I sure as hell didn't feel better afterward. I felt worse, because she just didn't understand. I barely understand it all, but I just wanted to let her know why I was crying so hard when she came home, and why I've been so distant. Maybe today it'll be different. I just want to stop thinking about it all. I want to make this feeling that I tried so hard to prevent go away and never come back. I'm soooo frustrated with myself, I should have just lied again. I was her friend first, and that's how it should have stayed. so, I feel that I've lost out on that too. I'd honestly want that more...
I feel content now and that's good....i'm proud of myself I've expressed myself without throwing anything =D
Now its time to tan, tomorrow I want to go the beach after my exams in the A.M. Holla at me if you want to go.
....So for the past couple of days my emotions have been running wild. I've cried so hard and laughed so much and cried again. One minute I'm fine and I don't think about it and I'm confident I'll just get over it. The next I'm like ugh...why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like crying, but can't? Why me? Why can't I just forget? I won't lie, it wasn't just a crush. Kendra, brittany, eleshia those were crushes. This was just different...
The conversation I had with her online yesterday, was the last...I don't know...straw. Like everything was too much. So, the first person I called was amanda, one of my closest friends and I was like I have to talk to you now. She came over and I told her I was gay/bi(still don't know) and everything that I'd been through in the past 4 months. And I told her mom and her mom loves me. I was scared they'd both see me differently but they didn't. It was soooooo liberating. For 2 hours, I had forgotten about the hurt and the frustration of everything. then I came home and I told my mom. It was like she wasn't even fazed. We talked for hours. The context of the conversation didn't change much. I sure as hell didn't feel better afterward. I felt worse, because she just didn't understand. I barely understand it all, but I just wanted to let her know why I was crying so hard when she came home, and why I've been so distant. Maybe today it'll be different. I just want to stop thinking about it all. I want to make this feeling that I tried so hard to prevent go away and never come back. I'm soooo frustrated with myself, I should have just lied again. I was her friend first, and that's how it should have stayed. so, I feel that I've lost out on that too. I'd honestly want that more...
I feel content now and that's good....i'm proud of myself I've expressed myself without throwing anything =D
Now its time to tan, tomorrow I want to go the beach after my exams in the A.M. Holla at me if you want to go.