merlin - gwaine

Oct 03, 2010 13:05

THIS is why I love this show - rollicking fun, hot boys and rampant homoeroticism. Best episode of the series so far!


This week we find Merlin and Arthur trotting along on another v. important roadtrip of some sort when Arthur spies a quaint little building. “You know what you need after a hard day’s hunt?” Arthur asks, and I laugh because Merlin is carrying, like, two pheasants, and not the boar, stag and a half dozen rabbits that one would assume would constitute a hard day. Anyway, whatever they’ve been doing all day, Merlin thinks the answer is, “sleep.” Ahem. Arthur does not agree. “A nice, cold tankard of mead.” The mead’s cold? Really? Merlin seems just as doubtful.

Somewhere between the hill they paused on and the only pub in town with refrigeration, they’ve managed to get new horses and Merlin has ditched the pheasants. Meh, let’s all get liquored up so we don’t notice these things, huh? While they activate the central locking on the horses, Arthur makes his own excuses for getting shitfaced - mostly involving being at one with “the people” or whatever - while Merlin displays levels of astute awareness. “This is one of those moments where I tell you something ISN’T a good idea and you ignore me, isn’t it?” “You’re learning, Merlin. Slowly, but you’re learning.”

After a quick jibe at Arthur’s intelligence from Merlin, we enter the tavern. It’s a little busy, but the boys find a cosy table for two and take a seat, not even stopping to play the fruity.

Barmaid: Afternoon, gents, can I see some ID---“Ooh, you’re a handsome fella!”
Arthur: *preens*
Barmaid: Not you, blondie, your gorgeous friend here.
Merlin: *is cutely smug* *tries not to get a whiff of her apron, or he’ll be singing like a sailor*

Despite the fact that Merlin is flirting with a woman, Arthur still buys him a drink, if only to send the brazen hussy on her way to fetch the mead. While Merlin plays it up to exacerbate Arthur’s utter jealousy, an evil man enters the tavern. We know he is evil because he is wearing the Jawbone of Evil that both Kanan and that dude who kidnapped Gwen for Hengist have worn before him. They really get some mileage out of that thing. Evil!Guy’s entrance is noted by this episode’s guest star. We know he is this episode’s guest star because his hair is amazing.

Evil!Guy starts throwing his weight around and demands all the takings from Mary, the barmaid. Hi, Mary, you have a name! When he’s not satisfied by what she hands over (c’mon, Mary, you have a least three hot young men in your establishment this afternoon - business must be booming!) he grabs the front of her dress and draws a knife. And of course, even though she insulted his prettiness and hit on his boyfriend, Arthur comes to her rescue. I cheer. Evil!Guy takes a swing, Arthur knocks him flying, and Merlin just watches from the table, all, “This happens EVERY time we go out, Arthur. Why can’t we just have a nice, violence-free date for once?”

Evil!Guy: “I’m going to make you pay for that.”
Merlin: *slightly tipsy ALREADY* “I’d like to see you try.” *sniggers* My boyfriend is so awesome and will kick your arse now, hehehee.
Evil!Guy: *whistles*
Dozen evil backup guys: *enter*
Merlin: HOSHIT!
Arthur: *facepalm*
Handsome Guest Star with Amazing Hair: Excuse me, lads. This is my moment to be awesome.

And awesome he very much is. He decides to help our boys out with their very long odds, even though Arthur gives him an out, and HILARIOUSLY throws the first punch after getting Evil!Guy to hold his drink. Epic bar brawl begins! So much happens during this scene, that I shall just list my favourites:

+ Arthur’s FACES! He should be punched more often, because the variety of faces Bradley James can pull will never cease to amuse me.
+ Merlin and Arthur constantly looking out for each other, even while dealing with their own opponents. Bless!
+ Merlin using magic in the fight, even with the knowledge that Arthur is watching his back at all times.
+ Mary saving the precious jar of pickled eggs! Pickled eggs FTW!
+ Mary and Merlin teamup of AWESOMENESS. I love Mary. Can we keep her? Can she be the next Sir Leon and get a regular job just for being a fan favourite? I will vid her and write porn if that’s what it takes.
+ Gwaine/Merlin OTP. Gwaine, for this is obviously the Guest Star with Amazing Hair, is fantastic. I love how he’s able to pause mid-fight just to get another drink in, charm Merlin (and by extension, the entire audience), and continue on to save Arthur’s life.

Poor Gwaine takes a knife in the leg and knocks himself out on the corner of a stool, but manages to defeat Evil!Guy beforehand. Wow, saving Arthur’s life earns many brownie points with Merlin, and getting concussed earns Arthur’s sympathy, as someone who has been there almost every week. Even Mary seems worried about his health. Looks like this guy’s a keeper.

Ahahahahaha! Evil!Guy has been placed in the convenient stocks outside Mary’s Hogs Head Tavern, complete with an apple stuffed into his mouth, which I’m going to assume was Mary’s little touch because it pleases me to do so. Arthur and Merlin are about to head off, with Gwaine slung over Arthur’s horse (ah, so it WAS a good day’s hunting, after all, Arthur. That’s quite the trophy you have there) and Arthur instructs Mary to let Camelot know if the guy invokes his evil jawbone destiny again, and they’ll send reinforcements. Mary wants to know how he can promise such a thing. “Because I’m the king’s son, Prince Arthur.” Hee, Merlin clearly loves it when Arthur gets to do his heroic reveal thing, because he looks utterly DELIGHTED as Mary fangirls (and probably wonders if she can charge more per tankard now that royalty frequents her establishment.) They ride off as Mary commands her gang to continue pelting rotten fruit. Bye, Mary. Hope to see you again! Maybe now that you don’t have anyone stealing your profits, you could branch out and invest in the Rising Sun and have hilarious scenes with Tom from last week. Mary/Tom 4 eva (we just have to ditch his wife.)

Roll the opening titles while I write a letter to the PTB asking for more Mary.

...or possibly to thank the PTB for the gift that is Gwaine. Guh. Night has fallen when Arthur and Merlin bring him straight to Merlin’s bed. No mere stretcher in the physician’s chambers for the hot ones. Gaius begins to treat him and orders Merlin to fetch him some fresh water, towels, needle and silk thread. “And honey?” Merlin asks hopefully. I choke on my tea. Gaius is impressed that Merlin is learning, while Arthur seems suspicious because, right, hot strangers are taken to Merlin’s bed and covered in honey, and this appears to be standard practice. But Gaius explains that it’s used to help fight the infection. Yeah, SURE it is, old perve. Nonetheless, Arthur instructs that Gwaine is “to be given anything he needs.” Prince’s orders, everyone!

The next morning, Gwaine wakes up alone and naked in Merlin’s bed, wondering if he can manage the walk of shame with a punctured leg. Merlin enters with breakfast. Gwaine: “Holy shit, how much did I DRINK yesterday? And why am I so sticky?” Merlin explains the situation - that Gwaine saved Prince Arthur’s life and the king wants to thank him in person. Gwaine is not impressed with this at all, despite Merlin’s gleeful face. He doesn’t like nobles very much and isn’t interested in any reward. “I’ve met a few kings. Once you’ve met one, you’ve met them all.” Ooh, have you met Cenred? He’s worth meeting if not. Merlin is intrigued by the man’s life of adventure with no ties to anyone, and asks why Gwaine helped them. Gwaine gives the standard flippant man of adventure response but I’m not listening so much as watching him stretch and fold his arms behind his head, noting the lovely raspy quality of his voice and the fun musical score he gets as Merlin smiles, impressed. Dear god, I ship them SO HARD already.

Over in Arthur’s chambers, Arthur is doing some early morning stretches of his own but as he is fully clothed, nobody really cares. *g* Even Merlin is too busy looking out the window to notice. A random nobleman has arrived and gives Arthur a little nod from below as he rides through the courtyard. Did he just know where Arthur’s bedroom is and look up? Anyway, Arthur informs us that he’s here for the melee. Now, the only melee I have any knowledge of is this:

image Click to view


(just after a minute in, is where the melee starts - and, yes, I’ll make it a Collingwood one since they won the Grand Final yesterday)

Arthur is trying to convince us that a melee is the ultimate test of strength and courage (just with blunt weapons so nobody is mortally wounded in the process) but I think that judging by Merlin’s reaction, it’s more like the footy version I know and love, where people get “the seven bells knocked out of them.” Heh. Arthur says that Merlin wouldn’t understand because he’s not a knight. “Well if it means I won’t get clobbered around the head, I’m glad of it.” So Arthur, predictably, clobbers Merlin over the head with a goblet. Uncalled for, Arthur. That would have been amusing had the object you chucked been a little lighter or softer - stick with apples or something. You’re just cranky that Merlin spent the night with a hot new man in his bed. With HONEY.

Elsewhere, sorcery is afoot as an old man sells Evil!Guy and his croney a couple of v. sharp swords enchanted to appear blunt, and some magic crystals that allow the wearer to take on the form of whoever’s blood they touch. He’s then killed for his troubles. Should’ve seen that one coming, mate. He was wearing the jawbone and everything. The baddies head off to take their revenge on Prince Arthur of Camelot. Duh.

Sadly, Gwaine is finally getting dressed. He has managed trousers and boots before the allure of Merlin’s view of Camelot becomes irresistible. Ah, Gwaine, you and Lancelot really have to get together and compare diary entries on your time here. Crappy green screen and all, it’s still an impressive view, and it’s enough to encourage Gwaine to put a shirt on and head outside to check out the local talent. Hello, ladies. Gwaine browses for a while until someone takes his fancy. It’s Gwen! Good gravy, this man is ridiculously charming. *swoons* Gwen is not as taken as anyone else with half a heartbeat would be. I guess it’s because he’s oozing availability out of his every pore, and nothing turns Gwen off a man quicker than that. She turns him down and heads off to do her laundry, while he heads off to do the next pretty young thing he finds.

In the forest, half a day’s ride from Camelot, a couple of knights are enjoying a hearty meal while their horse paws the ground in the background, trying to warn them of impending doom. They do not listen, and are killed by Evil!Guy and Evil!Friend because of this. Even their servant who peeks out of the tent gets a knife in the back. And our bad guys use the bloodified crystals to change into Sir Oswald and Sir Ethan so they can join the melee. Arthur heartily greets them upon arrival in Camelot, with manly banter and punches. He offers them the use of Merlin. WTF, Arthur?

It turns out Fake!Oswald and Fake!Ethan are even more annoying than Arthur and have run poor Merlin ragged. Later, as Merlin slurps his soup (ewwww - I have this total squick of people who make too much noise when they eat. It makes me nauseous and I seriously had to hit mute for a second or two during this. *gags*) with rapidfire spoonfuls, Gaius is a little surprised that Oswald is such an ass. “He always struck me as a kind and thoughtful soul.” Awww, that’s why Arthur was so happy to see him, and also why Arthur didn’t see anything wrong with offering Merlin up on a servanty platter, either, I guess. They were probably bffs or fuckbuddies and now I am lamenting the early demise of the real Sir Oswald. Still, Gaius reminds Merlin that not all masters are as good to their servants as Arthur.

Me: *earl grey tea spittake*
Merlin: *disgusting green soup spittake*

Gwen arrives and just barely bats an eyelid at Gaius’ slime-covered face (nice reaction, Angel) before beckoning Merlin to follow. It seems Gwaine has run up quite the tab over at the Rising Sun, and the barkeep is none too pleased and is demanding payment. This is what happens when you offer to get Sir Rhosis’ drinks. Gwaine just giggles the giggle of the truly inebriated, boneless on the floor. Hm, who could pay such a thing, I wonder?

Merlin drags his new friend back to his room and dumps him on the bed again. At least this time, the man’s half conscious. He laughs delightfully at how fun Gwaine is, and then realises that he might be able to get more info out of him while he’s drunk, so questions Gwaine on his thing with nobles. Gwaine’s father was a knight in Carleon’s army and died in battle. The king refused to help his mother out financially and, oh, Gwaine never knew his daddy. OMGWEARESOKINDRED, Merlin all but shouts. They get serious and bond over missed fathers and crappy kings and Merlin assures Gwaine that Arthur isn’t like that. “Maybe,” Gwaine says with a fond hand clasping Merlin’s shoulder, “but none of them are worth dying for, eh?” Oh, MERLIN, let me hug you better. Gwaine uses laughs instead of hugs, and Merlin smiles through his misty eyes.

In the morning, Merlin is late with Arthur’s breakfast. Get your sniggers out of the way before we continue. Arthur is quite concerned about Merlin’s health and potential to burst into song at any moment, given the substantial bill he has just received from the pub. 14 Quarts of mead, 3 flagons of wine, 5 quarts of cider and 4 dozen pickled eggs. Ahahahahaha, pickled eggs again! They almost warrant inclusion in a drinking game. Arthur is not happy about this at all, especially because the innkeeper was going to string Merlin and Gwaine up if they couldn’t pay, and Arthur fails to see the downside of such an event...if, of course, he was invited to take advantage of the situation.

Merlin: “You said he should be given anything he needs.”
Arthur: “FOUR DOZEN PICKLED EGGS?”

Merlin decides he is never going to win an argument about pickled eggs so offers to pay himself.

“Arthur is a thoroughbred little braggart.” Seriously, I love Gwaine. I want him permanently attached to Merlin’s side for the duration of the entire series. Someone get me a hot glue gun and an industrial stapler. It seems Arthur’s form of payment involves cleaning the boots of the entire army, and there is a hilarious shot of Gwaine sitting at the foot of Uther’s throne with Merlin beside him, and a massive line of dirty boots down the entire length of the great hall. Oh, Arthur, you jealous little princess. The boys have another bonding session over their daddies and even though Gwaine could get off scott free if he just told someone he was of noble birth, he doesn’t think it’s worth it. Titles don’t mean anything to our newest hero. “It’s what’s inside that counts.” He emphasises this with a little tap of the brush on Merlin’s knee and I LOVE THEM AND WANT THEM TO GET MARRIED AND ADOPT A DOG AND SPEND CHRISTMASES IN EALDOR.

Arthur is not so accepting of the new romance as I, and it taking out his frustrations on a dummy. Fake!Oswald walks over and picks a fight.

Arthur: Hm, you aren’t as quick as you used to be, old friend. Also, weren’t you left handed?
Fake!Oswald: Yeah, just, y’know, giving you a chance or whatever.
Arthur: I am not at all suspicious about your suspicious actions. *beats Oswald soundly*
Assorted onlookers: *applaud*
Fake!Ethan: Chill, dude. It’ll be two on one in the melee.
Fake!Oswald; “I’ll fillet the little brat.”
Merlin: *is actually suspicious*

Back in Oswald’s filthy chambers, Merlin’s cleaning is distracted by the shiny swords on the table. He plays with them for a bit and then slices a finger open on the supposedly dull blades. Fake!Oswald and Fake!Ethan interrupt Merlin’s snooping so he scurries off to Gaius and Gwaine. Gwaine knows of such swords, forged using sorcery (hee, Merlin and Gaius’ little glance) and would be perfect for killing Arthur during the melee so nobody suspects intent. We AGAIN go through the whole spiel about Merlin not being able to accuse nobles of anything without concrete proof, so they decide they need a sword. Gwaine offers to go steal it, which is rather lovely of him, but Merlin goes because at least he might have more of a reason to be in the room if caught. Besides, he can hide in a cupboard or under the bed better than anyone.

He sneaks in and opens the chest to find the swords, but Fake!Oswald grunts and rolls over in his sleep, and the allure of naked manflesh is too much for Merlin to resist. Or possibly he’s attracted to the magical crystal around the man’s neck. It’s difficult to tell. Tension mounts as Merlin slowly reaches for the crystal and sees Evil!Guy’s face in the facets! And Evil!Guy opens his eyes! Arrrgh! Merlin has been caught!

Back at Gaius’, Gwaine is worried about Merlin and decides to go check on him. I will love this man until the end of time. The. End. Of. Time. He has good cause to be concerned because Fake!Oswald is currently using Merlin as the assistant in a knife-throwing circus act. He tires of knives and starts swinging his sword when Gwaine arrives just in the nick of time.

Gwaine: “Is there a problem here?”
Fake!Oswald: Just a bit of friendly horseplay between two half-dressed knights and a lowly servant boy. The usual. Now piss off.
Gwaine: “You all right, Merlin?”
Merlin: *cutest little pitiful shake of his head ever* “No.”

Gwaine rushes to the defence of his new bff and quite easily handles Fake!Ethan and has Fake!Oswald pinned just as Sir Leon enters with a couple of mates. Hi, Leon! With all the new men around to ogle this week, I’d almost forgotten about you. Fake!Oswald demands an audience with the king because Gwaine attacked him. Sir Leon frowns. Right, there’s only room for one amazing head of hair on this show, buddy. You’re under arrest.

As Merlin hurriedly gets Gaius up to date on the magical haps, they arrive to find the impromptu meeting underway. Fake!Oswald accuses Gwaine of attacking him, and Fake!Ethan vouches for him. Gwaine tries to explain that he was just saving Merlin, which probably gets Arthur’s attention off camera, but isn’t enough to impress Uther. He’s not a fan of the way Gwaine speaks to noblemen. “Nobility is defined by what you do, not by who you are.” I love how Uther turns to look at Arthur after Gwaine’s line, just to make sure his son isn’t taken in by such a ridiculous notion. Arthur tries to stop Gwaine from going too far in his tirade, but Uther has had enough. “For a commoner to attack a nobleman is in violation of the knight’s code.” Wait, I’m confused. If it’s the knights’ code, why does a commoner have to abide it? Regardless, Fake!Oswald demands that Gwaine be executed, which is a bit much, in Arthur’s opinion, so he steps in for some diplomacy. Oswald is a dear friend, but Gwaine is also his guest and “he may not be of noble birth, but I can vouch that he has a noble heart.” Oh, Arthur. Uther takes Arthur’s words into consideration, and the fact that Gwaine saved Arthur’s life helps, so decides to banish our hunk from Camelot, never to return. Noooooo! Don’t punish all of us, Uther.

After, Fake!Oswald & Fake!Ethan talk about Merlin suspecting them (because, as we know, Merlin is learning stuff this episode) but aren’t that worried because, and let’s get this well and truly drummed into our thick little audience skulls, a commoner can’t accuse a knight. Nobility Rulz.

Awwww, Gwaine/Merlin farewell scene. It looks like Merlin has packed him a lunch, which is adorable. Gwaine tries to be flippant about leaving, saying that people get sick of him anyway. “I didn’t,” Merlin hurriedly replies. Eeeeeeeeee! How can they be so cute? How is it even possible to be so in love with them when my loyalty has always been to Arthur? It’s even greater than Lancelot, even though the two are quite similar. I think the difference is that Lancelot is more passive than Gwaine. He has to prove he’s worthy of knighthood despite his common birth (because he already IS worthy, we all know that), while Gwaine wants to earn his worth without relying on titles. Gwaine is more Lancelot crossed with Will for that certain hybrid vigour.

Gwaine asks Merlin to look after Arthur. “I thought you hated nobles.” “Yeah, well, maybe that one’s worth dying for, ‘ey?” !!! !!! With that and a manly goodbye, Gwaine heads into the corridor and runs into Gwen, who is wearing an awful pink outfit that makes her look like a particularly unlucky bridesmaid. She talks up Arthur’s better qualities and Gwaine gets hit with the clue stick. “At least now I know why you turned me down.” Heh. Face it, mate, everybody is in love with Arthur. He leaves with one quick warning about the threat on Arthur’s life.

Without his handsome backup partner, Merlin decides that he’ll have to use his powers to save Arthur, with the king and half of Camelot watching. How is this different to any episode ever? Anyway, Merlin is in Arthur’s room helping him prepare for the melee when Uther enters with a gift - the sword he used to win his first melee. He lays the pressure on thick (Camelot isn’t one of those supportive places that hands out ribbons for participation, I take it) and takes his leave, which means Merlin can stop being so creepily deferential in the background.

Elsewhere around the castle, Gwen frets, the crowd gathers, and our fake knights go over their evil plan and bump swords.

Merlin: “You know those moments when I tell you something isn’t a good idea?”
Arthur: “And then I ignore you, yeah.”
Merlin: “And then I’m proved right.”

Good grief, don’t tell me characters are actually LEARNING things from prior events. That doesn’t sound like the show I know and love at all. Well at least referencing such awareness doesn’t mean they act on it, because Arthur isn’t going to take Merlin’s advice and withdraw. But then he looks so HURT about it. Like, why doesn’t my boyfriend understand and accept the things that are IMPORTANT to me? The melee isn’t just a game to Arthur, it’s a chance to prove to the people that he is fit to lead them. Oh, BOYS. I’m back on board the Merlin/Arthur train.

Uther arrives to watch the melee from his kingly vantage point, with a sullen Morgana at his side. Just sit there and look evil for a bit, Morgana. I’m sure they’ll find you something to do next week. Interesting that Gwen is watching from the crowd and not Morgana’s side now. Slumming it in the cheap seats these days, Gwen?

Uther: Ready? Spaghetti? CHARGE!
Knights and horses: *begin melee*
Blunt Swords: *clang*

I can’t really keep track of who’s who, given that they’re all wearing armour, even with Arthur wearing a little ribbon to identify his princely arm, but Merlin gives commentary for us. The knights are eventually all dismounted and the numbers dwindle and Arthur narrowly avoids being stabby stabbed by the sneaky sharp swords. Oh Noes! One of the fake knights is mounted and heading straight for Arthur. Gaius advises Merlin to do something, against all his worry in the earlier scene, and Merlin does the old girth-breaking trick again. It works, and he tries to contain his victorious fist-pumping for a later date. Predictably, it comes down to Arthur against the two fake knights. Arthur is so screwed. But wait! Who is this rising from the pile of unconscious bodies to help Arthur out? The mysterious knight does a neat little sword trick to disarm his opponent and Merlin recognises it instantly. “There’s only one person I know who can do that.” SO MUCH LOVE. Gwaine neatly disposes of both fake knights with one of their own swords, thus saving Arthur’s life once again. They’re supposed to fight each other now, but Arthur decides to let his saviour have it. Helmets are removed and Arthur gives a little laugh. “I should have known. Nobody fights like you do.”

Uther: “Guards! Seize him!”
Guards: *seize*
Gwaine: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Arthur: Yeah, sorry about that. My dad’s a little overprotective.

Gaius is looking over the bodies of the fake knights in a tent when Uther and Arthur arrive. There’s nothing Gaius can do for them, apparently. Looks like sleeping it off is not going to do the trick this time. Not even honey can fix it.

Uther: Execute that prisoner with the hair I am in no way jealous of immediately.
Gaius: Hold your horses. We haven’t had the big reveal yet.
Uther: The reveal of what, old man?
Gaius. SAUCERY.
Arthur: “And once again, I owe Gwaine my life.” And should have listened to Merlin.

Gwaine and Merlin are chillin’ in the corridor when Arthur arrives. It’s a battle of manly chest cleavage! Why do they even BOTHER with the laces on those tunics? Arthur informs Gwaine that the good news is his head will stay on his muscular shoulders. The bad news is he’s still banished. Not even Merlin’s, “Please Arthur, please can we keep him? Please. He won’t be any trouble and I’ll feed him and walk him every day and clean up his messes. PLEASE, Arthur?” pleading helps in the slightest. But at least Arthur admits his father is wrong, and gives Gawain until sunset. Hm, I wonder where he’ll spend his last moments in Camelot until then.

Merlin and Gwaine exit Merlin’s bedroom. !!! !!! Gwaine is thinking of heading to Mercia but Merlin doesn’t want him to leave. If he just tells Uther who he is, he could be pardoned and stay in Camelot, but Gwaine doesn’t want to serve under a man like Uther, not even when Merlin dangles the Arthur carrot in front of him. Merlin thinks they made a good team. “You fought well together.” “And maybe one day we will again.” Eeeeeeeee!

Outside, Arthur and Merlin watch Gwaine leave and Arthur laments the fact that he keeps finding all these amazing and attractive men who cannot be his knights because of their birth. Merlin smiles to himself because he knows Arthur will change this eventually. He has such faith in him. Down below, Gwen passes Gwaine and stops for a smiley, giggly farewell chat. Arthur radiates so much jealousy that fills Merlin’s shipper heart with glee. He teases Arthur and it is delightful. After witnessing Gwen kiss Gwaine on the cheek, Arthur can stand it no longer, and manhandles his manservant. They head back, jostling each other playfully, Merlin running off and Arthur chasing after him and THIS is the Merlin/Arthur I love best. No more head injuries, guys, just this playful push and pull born out of pure affection. I LOVED THIS EPISODE SO VERY MUCH.

Next week: Merlin and Arthur running through the forest! Oh no, Arthur! THE CRYSTAL CAVE! Morgana is going to kill Uther (oh not AGAIN.) Arthur is going to hug Gwen. Merlin is going to do some magic. Morgana is going to trip and fall. But forget most of that - THE CRYSTAL CAVE!

merlin, merlin: episode recap

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