FFX fic

[dingobrilliant]

Ok, I've been wrorking on Tears Don't Fall, but I wanted to write this...so I did.
A Tidus/Rikku fic. *gasp*


Spiral

Part One

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

J. R. R. Tolkien

I remember the first time I saw her. Really saw her. Saw her eyes. All hopeless innocence and green spirals. I remember how thrilled I was to learn that she could understand me. How angry and annoyed and scared I was when she told me Zanarkand had been destroyed a thousand years before. How Sin’s toxin must have made me ill.

She was adamant about getting me to Luca, to try and help me find someone I recognized, or someone that recognized me.

But then Sin came.

I’ve often wondered what would have happened if I had stayed on the salvage ship. If I hadn’t been knocked off. If I had grabbed the railing. I liked working with Rikku and the other Al Bhed. When I regained consciousness in the water off Besaid, her name was the first, last, and only thing I screamed. As I fumbled my way through the Cloister of Trials that first time, I wondered if she had cried for me, worried for me, the boy she didn’t really know. The one she thought was ill. I wondered is she mourned me and I was just the slightest bit heartbroken that I would never see her again.

And then I saw Yuna. She was so selfless and sacrificing, weak and falling into Kimhari’s arms. And when she opened her eyes and they fell upon me, the green of one eye was so familiar. A color that evoked safety. All choking on food and acceptance. Blonde hair and gangly limbs, gleeful laughter and childlike excitement.

But Yuna wasn’t really like that at all. Caring about her was safer though. Somehow I knew, maybe, that liking her was a dead end. And if I had something else to concentrate on, maybe I could forget the feisty little Al Bhed girl. So I threw myself into it, flirting and joking with the summoner, and all the time, I felt…a little dishonest.

By the time we made it to the Moonflow, I was in too deep. Wakka was already doing the manly elbow thing, gesturing towards Yuna and smirking. I kept trying to smile, but it felt like more of a grimace. I knew Auron noticed. He kept narrowing his eye at me, trying to puzzle out the secrets under my skin. He’d always been able to read me like a Blitzball mag, ever since I was a kid. But not this time. I had never done anything quite so cruel before, acting as though I liked some girl to forget a girl I barely knew.

But then, on the bank, all awkward limbs and sopping hair.

As she wriggled out of her skintight wetsuit and looked at me with those entrancing spiral eyes, there were so many things I wanted to say. So many words on the tip of my tongue. And then everyone was with me again and my moment, if it had ever been there, had passed.

Auron watched me with intense scrutiny as I explained that Rikku was the first person I had met in Spira. I thought it would be safer to stare at the ground rather than that all-knowing russet-colored eye while the three girls ran off to discuss…whatever. He knew. He had to have known. It had to have been written all over my face between seeing her and the rest arriving.

But he kept silent.

So did I.

He pulled me aside in Rin’s Travel Agency in the Thunder Plains and demanded that I concentrate on the pilgrimage and not my hormones. I denied and scowled at him, but I took his advice.

It wasn’t until the Macalania Woods after Bevelle that I truly screwed up. I just meant to comfort Yuna. Comfort her, as a friend would have. And then there was a moment. And she kissed me. I let her. I felt like I was betraying everything inside me. My heart. My brain. My very soul. But it was already done. Mistake made. As we walked back towards our makeshift camp, I warred with myself about telling Yuna the truth, but when I snuck a sideways glance at her face, all fluttering excitement and flushed cheeks, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

When we reached the others, Rikku and Auron stood apart, unnoticed by the rest of the Guardians. Yuna and I sat down by the fire. She started an animated discussion with Lulu, but I only had eyes for the flaxen-haired Al Bhed girl. She stood, her arms crossed over her chest and her head bowed. She made the most defeated picture I had ever seen. Auron was speaking, far to low for my ears to catch. Rikku was nodding along with whatever her was saying, the firelight shining against fresh tear tracks on her face.

The red-clad Guardian looked sharply at me, as though he had felt me staring at them. He glared at me before moving his body to block the young thief from my view. I saw him reach out his hand, perhaps to touch her shoulder and then her returned to the campfire alone, the bright blonde hair disappearing through the crystalline trees.

When the others asked Auron where Rikku had gone, the Legendary Guardian only replied that she was scouting. No more thought was given to it. Not by them. But I knew. Auron’s hard eye met mine across the licking flames, and I knew.

She had seen us.

She had seen us and was hurt. I had hurt her. And I could go after her and explain, but I didn’t know if there were words to make it right. I couldn’t tell her that her cousin’s lips tasted like ashes against mine or that I was wishing Yuna was someone else the entire time.

She had come, probably wanting to offer some comfort to her relative, and she had seen us.

As the others were filing into the tent, I stayed behind. Rikku hadn’t returned yet. Auron came and sat down next to me. He was silent few minutes and I watched him from the corner of my eye. He stared pensively into the fire before speaking to me.

“You should get some rest,” he said gruffly and then he took a long pull from his jug of sake.

“But, Rikku…” I started.

“I will wait for Rikku,” he said firmly. His tone brooked no argument. There was nothing I could do but go into the tent.

Neither the thief nor the Legendary Guardian entered that night. The next morning, Rikku was her normal boisterous and carefree self. It was as though nothing had happened, but I could see the strain around her eyes and lips when she thought no one else was watching. Every time I angled myself in her direction, Auron would step between us. For the rest of our journey, I never got one moment alone with Rikku. To explain. To beg forgiveness. To tell her I wished it had been her instead.

But I also distanced myself from Yuna, sticking close to Auron or Lulu instead, since neither of them seemed to encourage any relationship between the summoner and I beyond friendship.

When the time came for the fayth to wake up and for me to disappear, I felt almost…relieved. I was so tired of living a lie. As I dove off the airship, I turned around to take one last look at the people I had traveled with for so many weeks. My friends.

My eyes locked on the little blonde Al Bhed girl. She was smiling and waving, like she knew I wanted to see a bit of happiness before I was gone, but her grin didn’t reach her eyes.

And then Yuna screamed that she loved me.

Rikku recoiled as though someone had slapped her in the face. Her eyes hardened in a way I had never seen before and it was the last thing I witnessed before gravity caught up with me and I fell toward the cerulean water.

My heart clenching painfully is the last feeling I remember.

I thought I would just disappear. Cease to exist. How can a dream go to the Farplane? But that’s where I found myself.

I had always wondered, in a sick and morbid kind of way, if the dead ever watched the living. I was disturbed and incredibly grateful all at the same time to find out that they did. The Farplane was filled with people watching their loved ones. It worked strangely. If you thought about someone hard enough, an almost liquid puddle would appear and scenes from Spira, centering on whomever you were thinking about would begin to play itself out in what I assumed was real time.

I thought about trying it out, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know how everyone, or perhaps only one someone, was doing now that I was gone. Or maybe…I was afraid.

I wandered across Auron one day while walking through the endless flower-filled fields. He sat cross-legged on the ground, watching the grass in front of him. As I dropped to my knees at his side, not saying a word, the grass shimmered and I realized he was watching someone.

Someone with blonde hair.

I looked over at my silent companion in shock and no small amount of disgust. She was a little young for him, wasn’t she?

“Jecht asked me to take care of you,” he said carefully. “Braska wanted me to look after Yuna.” He took a drink from his ever-present sake jug, filled even there in the Farplane. “Rikku was only fifteen. No one was watching over her.”

He was right.

She was the youngest of the group. Two years younger than Yuna and myself. I had always wondered if the Al Bhed decided someone was an adult at a younger age than the rest of Spira. She had been out on the salvage ship so young, and had been entrusted with the kidnapping of the summoners as well. It could have been because she was the leader’s daughter, but I had a feeling it was just because she was Rikku. She was capable. There was no giant blue furball to protect her. No red-clad guardian to keep her in line. She depended on herself, and did so with a song in her heart.

But Auron was watching over her now.

I looked down into the spying puddle and there she was. She was leaning over a wooden table, a small boy in full Al Bhed garb at her elbow, a mass of spheres and machine parts massed in front of them. They were speaking to each other quietly, too quietly for us to hear, so I took the time to study the thief.

Her hair was longer; cascading down her back, even thought it was pulled up in a high ponytail. She wore a bright yellow bikini top and a short green skirt. Long, tanned legs were tucked up under as she sat. Her feet were bare and her toenails were painted alternating colors of yellow and orange.

“I think I’ve got it,” the boy said, just loud enough for us to hear.

Rikku looked slightly put out that he had…whatever it was…first, but she hopped to her feet anyway, holding out her hand. The boy placed something in her grasp, but I couldn’t tell that it was, all gears and coiled wires. I learned later that is was a Garment grid.

As she was strapping the thing to her belt, another man stepped into view.

“We’ve been contacted by Mt. Gagazet,” the tall, blond man in goggles was saying. “Kimahri says he found a sphere you need to see immediately. Sounded pretty serious about it. Brother wants to know if you think it’s important enough to change course.”

The childlike gleam in her eyes was gone and she handed the gadget back to the kid with the promise that they would test it later. She followed the Al Bhed man, conversing in low tones, until the puddle faded and was gone.

Auron was standing, no longer staring at the ground. “Perhaps she will make her own story now.”

But she didn’t.

I watched her often, sometimes alone, sometimes with Auron. And her life continued to revolve around what Yuna wanted. What Yuna needed. People of the world addressed Yuan as the High Summoner and didn’t even recognize the blonde girl at her side.

And Rikku took it all in stride. The only sign of stress was a little tightness around her mouth and eyes. She just smiled and went through the motions, teasing Paine and Yuna, working on the engine of her Brother’s airship, tinkering on Garment grids with the little Al Bhed boy, Shinra. I saw it all, her whole life playing out before my eyes as she flew around Spira. And I cared for her even more with each moment that flitted by.

I missed being alive, being around her. We used to laugh, right after she joined the pilgrimage, and wonder if Auron ever took off that strange red kimono. Or how much gel Wakka used to get that crazy rooster hairstyle. Or if there was a spell Lulu was using to keep her gravity defying dress up.

When Bahamut told me that I could go back as a reward for Yuna, two-time savior of Spira, I was…a little resentful. I wasn’t a prize. And Yuna wasn’t the only one to save Spira more than once. But it was a chance at life, real life, and I would have been a fool to pass that up.

I came to in the water off Besaid. I could see the airship, that bright crimson death trap. I had no idea how that thing stayed in the sky. It wasn’t even aerodynamic! And I saw three women emerge, the brunette jumping off the thing before it even got close to the ground, just so she could be the first to get to me.

But I barely even noticed her.

Yellow hair and a slender, tan body silhouetted in the hot Besaid sun held my attention. Rikku gave me a jaunty wave from her place beside the warrior, Paine. I could see her bright smile as a few puffy clouds floated across the sun, and then it faltered and fell away as I was engulfed by Yuna’s eager arms.

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to decide how best to push away the High Summoner. She had to notice that I wasn’t hugging her back, but all too quickly, she was dragging me towards the beach. I looked away from the people gathering, Wakka, my second real friend in this strange world, back to the first. Rikku was no longer there. She had retreated back into the ship after a long stare in my direction, Paine following her.

I tripped over my feet, still peeking back over my shoulder, hoping for a glimpse of the thief I had been watching for so long. I fell to my knees in the pounding surf and looked up sheepishly at the brunette who was still tugging on my hand. She looked down at me and a dark cloud passed over her features, like she knew my heart wasn’t with her, but back in the gaudy red airship hovering in the sky behind us.

The frown marring her features was gone as quickly as it had come, but her eyes stayed guarded as they watched me quickly glance back at the Celsius.

Still no sign of Rikku.

I got to my feet, mumbling an apology, and allowed myself to be dragged forward to the mass of people and reporters waiting. Wakka clapped me on the back and Lulu, holding a baby in a goofy hat, gave me a regal nod. People were shouting questions at us, personal things that I hadn’t even considered, so I was completely unprepared to give answers. Things like “Are you going to marry the High Summoner?” or “What was the Farplane like?”

Yuna tried to field the questions once she noticed my strained face. Wakka threw an arm around my shoulders and led me back towards the water, casting a violent glare that backed up the masses that considered following us.

“Happy to be back?” he asked me softly.

I sighed and looked out over the water. “Yeah,” I replied. “It’ll just take some time to get used to, I guess.”

We made small talk. He seemed put out when I wouldn’t tell him about the Farplane. I think he really wanted to know if I had seen his brother or his parents. I didn’t want to have to admit that the only thing I had paid any attention to was a blonde thief. So, I skirted his questions until he asked if I planned to stick around the island for a while.

“No way,” I said, interlocking my fingers behind my head. “Spira’s changed so much since I’ve been gone. I wanna go play the games in the Calm Lands, try Sphere Break, recalibrate the towers in the Thunder Planes, have a ride in the Celsius, and help the Al Bhed rebuild Home. I’ve got a brand new life to live! There’s no way I’m going to just sit around.”

As luck would have it, just as I finished my impassioned rant, one of the crowd screamed a question at Yuna. About whether or not she and I would be staying on Besaid. Perhaps it was kismet that she answered the way she did.

“Yes,” she replied firmly. “I’ve spent far too much time away from home and it’s time I settled down. I’ll leave the saving of the world to someone else for awhile,” she joked.

Then she told the gathered masses that she was ready to stop answering questions and just enjoy being back. As she headed for us, I looked a Wakka in panic.

He looked confused until my eyes darted toward the now parked Celsius and the two women emerging from it. My expression must have changed dramatically, because even the normally socially inept Wakka could see it.

He gave me a shrewd look. “So, that’s how it is, ya?” he said as he watched the High Summoner approach. “I wouldn’t wanna be you for nothin’, brotha. You better tell Yuna soon, before she gets her hopes up, ya?”

I stared at him in shock as Yuna arrived and she used the opportunity to drag me down the beach and toward the town of Besaid. The brunette with the death grip on my hand chirped merrily about how she had gotten into sphere hunting. Of course, I already knew, as I had been watching her beautiful cousin for quite some time.

“Rikku knew it wasn’t you, but she wanted me to see it anyway,” she babbled. “I don’t know how she knew. I sure couldn’t tell. Shuyin looked just like you. Fought like you too.” She led the way into Wakka and Lulu’s home and tried to coax me onto the couch with her, all the while telling me how much she had missed me. I pretended not to notice her batting eyelashes as I busied myself studying the pictures on the walls, praying for someone, anyone, to come in and save me from a conversation I was sure was going to be awkward. And my pleas to a higher power were answered, but not in the way I had hoped. Not only did the owners of the homey little dwelling return, but also trailing along behind Wakka and Lulu was the band of Al Bhed from the airship. Rikku included.

Her eyes moved slowly over the two of us in resignation. She looked like she was going to say something. Something like congratulating us. Anything from her mouth was going to be tinged with regret. But I was spared the pain when the pilot, Buddy, I think, tapped her shoulder and whispered something in her ear. She nodded.

“Gippal just commed,” she announced abruptly. “He’s heading back to Djose and needs some help with a machina problem. So we’re gonna go. And drop Dr. P over in Kilika so she can sweep Nooj of his feet, or foot, before Leblanc,” here she shuddered, “gets her dirty claws on him.” She nudged the gray-haired warrior and got a venomous glare for her efforts. “We just came to say goodbye.”

Yuna rose from her spot on the couch and thanked Rikku for all she had done for her. It was a blatant dismissal and it made me feel…a little sick.

Hugs and goodbyes were exchanged all around and finally, after waiting so long, the Al Bhed princess stood before me. She shuffled her feet a little and averted her eyes until Yuna came and wrapped her arm around mine, effectively attaching herself to my side. Rikku gave her a weak smile and then met my gaze.

“Good luck,” she whispered. “With everything.”

And that was it.

Brother called for the Gullwings to leave. He shot a fleeting glance full of longing and despair towards the brunette at my side before disappearing into the Besaid twilight.

Rikku didn’t look back at all.

My heart was in my throat as I listened to the group walk away. I could hear the warrior, Paine, telling the distraught leader of the sphere hunters that Yuna wasn’t really a part of the group anyway. That she had used the Gullwings as a means to an end and not that she had gotten what she wanted, me, he shouldn’t be surprised that she wasn’t coming with them.

If the summoner heard this, she made no sign.

Paine was right, I realized. Yuna used people. She had used her guardians. Used them as a form of assisted suicide. Of course, it hadn’t worked out, so she had used them to defeat Sin once and for all. She was the one with all the recognition and the glory. And then, when Rikku showed her the sphere of the guy that looked like me, she used the Gullwings to make a Spira-wide search. She used Rikku and Paine and their contacts, Gippal, Nooj, and Baralai, people she would have never known otherwise, to defeat Vegnagun. And now that she had received her gift from the fayth, me, she was done with them.

I shook Yuna off my arm and bolted for the door, ignoring the shouts of my name, and ran for the beach. My muscles burned, but I kept pushing, praying that I would make it in time. But as my feet hit the sand, the airship was already rising.

“Rikku!” I screamed, knowing she’d never hear me. I fell to my knees and wondered what I was to do. Was I to go back to that happy home and pretend to be content with a girl I’d never love?

I just didn’t know. I’d never felt so confused and…lost.

I think I knew she was behind me before she said my name. I slowly got to my feet, still searching the skies for signs of the Celcius, before giving up and meeting her mismatched gaze.

“It was never me, was it?” she asked quietly, barely even audible over the break of the waves on the shoreline.

She looked so miserable, I considered betraying my heart and lying to her, but this was my second chance, and I wasn’t going to waste it. “No,” I replied.

Yuna nodded slowly. “I see,” she whispered. “I think I always knew. The way you joked and laughed with her? You were never like that with me.”

There was really nothing left to say. I turned away from her, not wanting to see her face anymore. She would have kept talking had I looked at her longer, trying to make me explain, make me feel guilty. But I already felt guilty enough. It’s not like I had set out to hurt her, but I had hurt Rikku and myself as well. There had been no way to save everyone’s feelings in this and I was tired, so tired, of denying my own.

No more.

I walked to the docks and sat down on the saturated wood, waiting for the boat to Luca.

I waited all night.

Yuna left moments after I sat down and didn’t return.

I dozed for a while, but footsteps on the dock woke me from my daze. A weathered, brown hand held some gil over my shoulder. I jumped up and faced down the intruder.

“You need some money for the boat, ya?” the blitzballer said with a kind smile. And then he held out the sword he had given me all that time ago. “Might have to kill a few fiends on you way to Djose.”

I took the gil and Brotherhood. We stood there, together, in comfortable silence as the boat pulled up. I stopped on the gangplank and turned back to Wakka with questioning eyes.

“Will Yuna…you know…be okay?”

Wakka laughed, full and surprising in the quiet of the island morning. “What? You think she’ll never get over you?” He snorted in obvious mirth. “Think pretty highly of yourself, ya?”

I grinned at him. I knew he was saying it solely for my benefit, to absolve me of some of my copious guilt, and I was grateful to him for it.

“Congratulations on uh…becoming a dad and all that,” I said awkwardly and I didn’t wait for a reply before retreating to the deck of the boat.

I didn’t look back.