don't want to be the next to go (i realized today that i like scrabble)
every year i make about 8-10 resolutions. one of them is always something trivial like buying something. and this is there because it is usually the only resolution i keep. so i might not make any resolutions this year. or i might just not make any of them public.
tonight at dinner, my mom in her typical fashion brought out pen and paper and asked us to contribute to two different lists. one being things we were looking forward to in the new year and the other being "good riddance" for all the things we were glad to see go in 2005. i couldn't honestly think of anything that has disappeared in 2005 that i was glad to see go. but i was even more useless at the other list. i don't think i'm a pessimist but i couldn't think of a single thing to look forward to.
i don't want to get older. i don't want to get younger. i'm terrified of staying the same. i shudder at perpetual childhood but can't face the lonely world of adulthood with all it's disasterous perks: bankruptcy, losing friends, marriage(s), the subsequent divorce(s), getting older, "getting angry, getting angry with so many questions unanswered" and death.
i'm not even 20. but i see myself rotting.
(i've realized that everything comes down to my fear of heights. this rut, my life, has been controlled by my fear of heights. not just of falling, but of going higher as well. once i stop being afraid, all things will be possible. i will learn to climb. i will learn to fall.)
i guess that counts as a resolution.
tonight at dinner, my mom in her typical fashion brought out pen and paper and asked us to contribute to two different lists. one being things we were looking forward to in the new year and the other being "good riddance" for all the things we were glad to see go in 2005. i couldn't honestly think of anything that has disappeared in 2005 that i was glad to see go. but i was even more useless at the other list. i don't think i'm a pessimist but i couldn't think of a single thing to look forward to.
i don't want to get older. i don't want to get younger. i'm terrified of staying the same. i shudder at perpetual childhood but can't face the lonely world of adulthood with all it's disasterous perks: bankruptcy, losing friends, marriage(s), the subsequent divorce(s), getting older, "getting angry, getting angry with so many questions unanswered" and death.
i'm not even 20. but i see myself rotting.
(i've realized that everything comes down to my fear of heights. this rut, my life, has been controlled by my fear of heights. not just of falling, but of going higher as well. once i stop being afraid, all things will be possible. i will learn to climb. i will learn to fall.)
i guess that counts as a resolution.