Am I Just Existing?
This question was brought to my attention over dinner last night with a friend. Worry that I am not feeling, dealing, risking, reaching...my heart, my fears, my depth. We talked about the past year. I try my best to view the world with purple tinted glasses, the glass half full technique. I recognize my blessings and count them every day. We reflected on the past year. My bleeding body, my bleeding heart, bloody hell! I went to emergency counseling but I contemplate a serious long term return. I handle my emotions but I acknowledge my under-reaction to situations that call for a strong voice.
At work, I react...with the perfect balance of staying calm but being assertive. Stepping in at the right time with the appropriate intervention...most of the time. Today...five containments. My muscle still healing, I assisted but kept my distance. Assess for dangerousness, write reports, talk to parents and districts. I have more responsibilities now.
Today, I was exhausted and it wasn't from the heat. Crisis after crisis, they didn't stop. The children are more disturbed, dangerous and troubled. We take kids others will not. I met with a 15 yr old who was locked up for three months. It was his first day back. I inquired about his absence. He stabbed someone four times. He laughed, unable and helpless to put the emotion in it's proper place. Unsure if he could cry, afraid to even try. Not for the boy he stabbed but for his parents...gone from gang violence and drug abuse. He watched from the street when his father was shot to death. Our school is the only place he has had any success. But, I don't know if he cares at this point. He tries in class and then...doesn't. He wants to please staff and then...threatens to kill them. Today...I was tested. What am I doing? Another girl ran off campus and then moments later she needed to be contained. She has run into traffic more than once without looking to the left, to the right, and to the left again. Her mom must have forgotten to teach her before she smacked her a few times and told her she was a bitch years ago. She *would* stab us...the student and the mom.
I am trying to re-charge and decompress but the clock is moving too fast tonight. I need more time but must go to bed early. I feel tired and have a busy weekend. But, back to my question. What is it that I am suppose to be doing? Help these children? Be at risk every day? I know what to do...how to act. At this rate I feel I will age like the president. I am not ready to risk in every way. I don't think I am ready to risk my heart again but I am not ok just existing either.
It is true...this past year has not been easy. I was challenged, I was hurt, a part of me died and then came back. I cried my heart out but only a few people heard me cry. Is that strength or is that stupid? I will contemplate these questions alone or in therapy...with a friend or with a professional or both.
At work, I react...with the perfect balance of staying calm but being assertive. Stepping in at the right time with the appropriate intervention...most of the time. Today...five containments. My muscle still healing, I assisted but kept my distance. Assess for dangerousness, write reports, talk to parents and districts. I have more responsibilities now.
Today, I was exhausted and it wasn't from the heat. Crisis after crisis, they didn't stop. The children are more disturbed, dangerous and troubled. We take kids others will not. I met with a 15 yr old who was locked up for three months. It was his first day back. I inquired about his absence. He stabbed someone four times. He laughed, unable and helpless to put the emotion in it's proper place. Unsure if he could cry, afraid to even try. Not for the boy he stabbed but for his parents...gone from gang violence and drug abuse. He watched from the street when his father was shot to death. Our school is the only place he has had any success. But, I don't know if he cares at this point. He tries in class and then...doesn't. He wants to please staff and then...threatens to kill them. Today...I was tested. What am I doing? Another girl ran off campus and then moments later she needed to be contained. She has run into traffic more than once without looking to the left, to the right, and to the left again. Her mom must have forgotten to teach her before she smacked her a few times and told her she was a bitch years ago. She *would* stab us...the student and the mom.
I am trying to re-charge and decompress but the clock is moving too fast tonight. I need more time but must go to bed early. I feel tired and have a busy weekend. But, back to my question. What is it that I am suppose to be doing? Help these children? Be at risk every day? I know what to do...how to act. At this rate I feel I will age like the president. I am not ready to risk in every way. I don't think I am ready to risk my heart again but I am not ok just existing either.
It is true...this past year has not been easy. I was challenged, I was hurt, a part of me died and then came back. I cried my heart out but only a few people heard me cry. Is that strength or is that stupid? I will contemplate these questions alone or in therapy...with a friend or with a professional or both.