(no subject)
I logged off and shut down the computer and then I felt the need to turn it back on. I have moments that fill me with so much love I can't ignore or wait to write about it. Even though I am half brain dead, the importance of what I want to say transcends any mental block.
For several days I would connect with my family on the phone. I was in tears from frustration a couple times. My sister telling me to stay home, my guilt missing work, my dad listening to my coughing attacks halting him from talking for once in his life...and then my mom. Several times she offered to come down and pick me up. I resisted, there was no reason to go and sit up at their house coughing and laying around with my sweaty forehead. I struggle with being on my own, not needing care from others...I can do it, I can take care of myself. I don't want to come across as a baby, as a complainer, everyone gets sick, it could always be worse.
Finally, last Thursday, I couldn't do it any longer. Wednesday night at 10:00pm my mom said she would come and pick me up. She is a night owl but I said no. I think she was worried...not having me near when I was ill, sounded ill, not wanting her help. But, on Thursday I needed her. I surrendered. I couldn't lay around one more day by myself, washing my pillow cases, opening cans of processed food, defrosting boxes of tv dinners, toasting bread to eat but not enjoy. I called her at work. She had a meeting that evening in Van Nuys but she came and picked me up. She drove me to my doctor's appt, she sat with me as I went to get a chest x-ray, she picked me up a drink when I waited for my prescription. We drove up to Arcadia that night and I felt so safe, so secure, so loved. My dad was home too. He brought home food from our favorite fast food joint. My sister's dog was there, the granddaughter, Dot. I pet her, I tossed the toy to Cece. The next day I was alone but it felt good, as good as I could feel. They went to work but they didn't forget to call. Saturday night my mom made one of my favorite meals. Turkey meatloaf and my grandmother's famous spaghetti. It is baked with tomato soup, sharp cheddar cheese...and sinful butter. It came out crispy and tasted divine. A treat that I could never resist when grandma was alive but a treat we rarely make anymore. It brought such comfort.
I don't know what I am going to do in the future when their physical presence is no with me. Oh, I will help them when the time comes...but I have limited years to have mommy and daddy be there in the ways they can be there for me today. As much as I tried to resist assistance I gave in and thank God I did. There is nobody else in the world who is there for me like my family, who I can implicitly trust, who I respect, who I know will be there for me at any moment. I don't think many people can say that...I don't think it is common in our world today and I feel eternally grateful.
It is a fear to think of them gone. I can't think about it for long period of time without breaking down. I can only hope I will have a new family, and my sister, to help me through that period...I hope.
My mom brought me home on Sunday. She dropped me off, took out the trash and told me not to vacuum. I think the love for family is the most precious gift that was given to me. I love my friends tremendously, I would do anything to help them, they are my chosen family, I need them like I need air, but I know my family would do anything to help me and I wouldn't even have to ask.
For several days I would connect with my family on the phone. I was in tears from frustration a couple times. My sister telling me to stay home, my guilt missing work, my dad listening to my coughing attacks halting him from talking for once in his life...and then my mom. Several times she offered to come down and pick me up. I resisted, there was no reason to go and sit up at their house coughing and laying around with my sweaty forehead. I struggle with being on my own, not needing care from others...I can do it, I can take care of myself. I don't want to come across as a baby, as a complainer, everyone gets sick, it could always be worse.
Finally, last Thursday, I couldn't do it any longer. Wednesday night at 10:00pm my mom said she would come and pick me up. She is a night owl but I said no. I think she was worried...not having me near when I was ill, sounded ill, not wanting her help. But, on Thursday I needed her. I surrendered. I couldn't lay around one more day by myself, washing my pillow cases, opening cans of processed food, defrosting boxes of tv dinners, toasting bread to eat but not enjoy. I called her at work. She had a meeting that evening in Van Nuys but she came and picked me up. She drove me to my doctor's appt, she sat with me as I went to get a chest x-ray, she picked me up a drink when I waited for my prescription. We drove up to Arcadia that night and I felt so safe, so secure, so loved. My dad was home too. He brought home food from our favorite fast food joint. My sister's dog was there, the granddaughter, Dot. I pet her, I tossed the toy to Cece. The next day I was alone but it felt good, as good as I could feel. They went to work but they didn't forget to call. Saturday night my mom made one of my favorite meals. Turkey meatloaf and my grandmother's famous spaghetti. It is baked with tomato soup, sharp cheddar cheese...and sinful butter. It came out crispy and tasted divine. A treat that I could never resist when grandma was alive but a treat we rarely make anymore. It brought such comfort.
I don't know what I am going to do in the future when their physical presence is no with me. Oh, I will help them when the time comes...but I have limited years to have mommy and daddy be there in the ways they can be there for me today. As much as I tried to resist assistance I gave in and thank God I did. There is nobody else in the world who is there for me like my family, who I can implicitly trust, who I respect, who I know will be there for me at any moment. I don't think many people can say that...I don't think it is common in our world today and I feel eternally grateful.
It is a fear to think of them gone. I can't think about it for long period of time without breaking down. I can only hope I will have a new family, and my sister, to help me through that period...I hope.
My mom brought me home on Sunday. She dropped me off, took out the trash and told me not to vacuum. I think the love for family is the most precious gift that was given to me. I love my friends tremendously, I would do anything to help them, they are my chosen family, I need them like I need air, but I know my family would do anything to help me and I wouldn't even have to ask.