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happy fathers day!! pastor kevins sermon today was really good, and i know he thinks im saying that just to make him feel better, but i really did like it, and i think what he said was needed. something weird happend today, while kevin was praying for mardell, i started to think about how she is eight months pregnant, and i have spent the last week with her, and knew she was pregnant, but didnt really think too much about the baby, and wonder what he/she is gonna be like. then that thought kind of developed into this weird daydream i guess you could call it. im sitting crosslegged, and im really big pregnant. and i was talking to someone about how cool it is that there is another person living inside of me. i started just going on and on, saying "there is this wonderful person growing inside of me and she will be so beautiful..." then my mind kind of jerked awake, and i said to myself, why am i saying my hypothetical child is a girl, im not even really pregnant, how would i know? but then i went back into my daydream, "shes not just a baby, she will be a godly woman..." then i stopped again. what am i doing?! i had actaully already thought about this, like what my future children will be like, and im aware that i could have children that wont be like i really want them to be, so im not going to set any standards because i want them to be just who they are and i'll love them no matter what. but then i remembered about what ron said about anceint paths, and speaking life into your children, and then i felt okay about it. i think that God was telling me, im giving her an identity. it was so weird, i had never thought of that before. so i continued with my daydream, and im telling about my wonderful daughter, and i saw her only as a grown woman, older than me, not ever as a child. and that was so weird too, to look at my daughter as someone older than i am now, she was more mature than me, she had more wisdom than me. and that was another thing i was saying, that she would be more wise than i am, and she will even be a more godly woman than i am. i actually even saw a picture of her in my mind, and im still not even sure if i just made that up, or if God was showing her to me. even if it was all in my head, that was an awesome experience, it was like God was alowing me to see the future. but the whole time im thinking about my future daughter, i just kept thinking about my role as only God honoring me with the responsibility to bring this wonderful woman into the world and to raise her and to build her to be who God created her to be. almost like she wasnt even really mine, another person, another beautiful creation that i was honored to be a part of. amazingly enough, this little daydream of mine ended shortly before the prayer was over, but i only felt bad about daydreaming through the prayers for awhile, because i did pray for my daughter, and i gave her an identity. oh well, call me crazy if you want, it was so real to me, and it still is. later on when we were driving to indy to go to a party at uncle tommys house, i was thinking about all this again, and then a thought came to my mind. you hear all these pro-life and pro-choice activists, and theyre all fighting over when someone becomes a person, at conception, three months, eight months, after birth? and thinking about my daughter, and that she already exists, i knew the answer. your life doesnt start at conception, its way waaaaay before that when God created you, you might not be here in flesh and blood, but... oh, i read something really good in my bible about this, let me go get it..................
psalm 139 (i decided to read this after hearing it be mentioned by three different people in the same day)
O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when i rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and you are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tounge, behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is to high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and your right hand will lay hold of me. If i say, "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.
(this is really where the part im talking about starts, but the first part was too good to pass up!! ;) )
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your workds, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when i was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
isnt that a great psalm!! that last part just now made me think of krine. she came to the christfest and did Here With Me for like the first time in forever. and i was praying for her while she was up on stage, and i said to God, thank you for reminding me, that even when shes not with us, shes still being protected and loved because shes with You. when i prayed that, it made me think, ( i pray random stuff sometimes, so i have to see if i should correct myself, even though i know God knows what i mean) the skit is called Here with me, so shouldnt i say, she'll be okay, because Youre with her? but i said, shes with You. i thought that was interesting, and that last line i wrote of psalm 139 said that! how cool!
anyway. after all this is going through my head on the way to indy, my mom hands me this book shes reading and asks me if i want to read some of it, she had already told me what it was about, so i did want to read it, even though i told her i would read it when shes done, but oh well. its called captivating, by john and stasi something, and its about the heart of a woman. and at first im thinking, is this gonna be one of those ultra feminist books that make me feel like im not a good woman? but its just the opposite, and i havent read that much, im still into the first chapter, but already i love it and i want everyone to read it! i'll find out their last names, because im really hopeing that some of you reading this will read it. i think i'll put a passage of it in here for my next update.
love ya!!
peace, love and fathers!!
~Regina
psalm 139 (i decided to read this after hearing it be mentioned by three different people in the same day)
O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when i rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and you are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tounge, behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is to high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and your right hand will lay hold of me. If i say, "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.
(this is really where the part im talking about starts, but the first part was too good to pass up!! ;) )
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your workds, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when i was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
isnt that a great psalm!! that last part just now made me think of krine. she came to the christfest and did Here With Me for like the first time in forever. and i was praying for her while she was up on stage, and i said to God, thank you for reminding me, that even when shes not with us, shes still being protected and loved because shes with You. when i prayed that, it made me think, ( i pray random stuff sometimes, so i have to see if i should correct myself, even though i know God knows what i mean) the skit is called Here with me, so shouldnt i say, she'll be okay, because Youre with her? but i said, shes with You. i thought that was interesting, and that last line i wrote of psalm 139 said that! how cool!
anyway. after all this is going through my head on the way to indy, my mom hands me this book shes reading and asks me if i want to read some of it, she had already told me what it was about, so i did want to read it, even though i told her i would read it when shes done, but oh well. its called captivating, by john and stasi something, and its about the heart of a woman. and at first im thinking, is this gonna be one of those ultra feminist books that make me feel like im not a good woman? but its just the opposite, and i havent read that much, im still into the first chapter, but already i love it and i want everyone to read it! i'll find out their last names, because im really hopeing that some of you reading this will read it. i think i'll put a passage of it in here for my next update.
love ya!!
peace, love and fathers!!
~Regina