Ghosts fic: The Problem With Immortality (Gen)
Title: The Problem With Immortality
Author: Dimity Blue
Rating: All
Genre: Gen, humour
Characters: Alison, Mike, Fanny, Julian, minor mentions of all the others
Word Count: 1,311 words
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: It's a never-ending, thankless task for Alison to find something on the TV for each of her ghostly housemates to enjoy watching. So far, she's failed with Fanny.
On AO3.
The Problem With Immortality
By Dimity Blue
So far as Alison can tell, the biggest problem her ghosts have is boredom. Aside from not being able to touch anything, which affects all of them except Julian. Actually, if they could touch material objects, maybe they wouldn't be so bored.
However, they can't, so they are. Bored, that is. But now they have Alison and Mike.
Or rather, they have Alison as Mike can't see or hear them. He has no idea how lucky he is.
Before Alison, the ghosts had Pat, who lived - in a manner of speaking - up to his scoutmaster ways by organising clubs for them to join. Food club, impressions club, speech club, discussion club, music club... The list goes on. Alison's decided Pat has the patience of a saint because he hasn't spent the past number of years trying to kill off all the ghosts.
However, now Alison is here, and she can do far more than Pat. She times the Captain's dash across the grounds; puts on music for Thomas, the laptop for Julian, and football for Pat; fills in Robin's crossword clues; and turns pages of books for Kitty, Humphrey, and Mary. So far the plague ghosts haven't asked for anything, but it's only a matter of time.
In order to spare herself a lot of time and effort, Alison introduces them to Friends. Well, it was actually to stop them from ruining her dinner party but that was a lost cause anyway. However, now they're all enthralled with 'the magic box' as Mary calls it, which means Alison and Mike are guaranteed some peace during the day as long as they leave the TV on.
The ghosts all have their preferences, of course. The Captain will watch anything war related, while Kitty and Thomas adore historical romances, with Jane Austen being a particular favourite. Humphrey likes history too, though it's best to avoid anything involving Henry VIII himself. Humphrey's head got particularly shouty over the historical inaccuracies in The Other Boleyn Girl, and Alison would prefer to avoid a repeat. Pat and Robin, oddly enough, love action films, and Robin swears Arnold Schwarzenegger is just like his cousin Augh, though he can't even pronounce Schwarzenegger. Julian claims to love political dramas, but he really prefers to be left alone with the laptop to watch porn. Alison's taken to deleting all the history unseen.
In fact, it's only Fanny and Mary who don't have any actual favourites. Mary will watch almost anything while Fanny disapproves of everything. Alison, however, has an ace up her sleeve.
~'~
"Downton Abbey? I thought you already tried that?"
Alison can tell Mike isn't actually listening. His eyes are still on the newspaper and Pat's avidly reading over his shoulder, so Alison knows it's the football pages.
"I did." And Fanny's outraged reaction had been loud enough to even distract Julian from his porn. "The woman in the library said this was the Downton Abbey of its day, only with nicer characters."
"Good luck with that." And Mike turned the page.
~'~
"Upstairs Downstairs?" Fanny raised her eyebrows.
" It's a TV series about an Edwardian family and their servants -"
"Not like that awful Downton Abbey, I hope!" Fanny interrupted. "The goings on in that household! Lady Mary was bad enough but her sisters! I'm astonished they had any daughters left in the household what with marrying servants and illegitimate babies and..."
Alison nodded but tuned her out while she waited for Fanny to run out of steam. Finally, Fanny was quiet enough for Alison to put in, "Well, if you don't enjoy it, I can return it early."
Fanny gave a sniff. "I'm sure some of the others will enjoy it, and far be it from me to stand in anyone's way."
"Good. I'll put the first disc in now."
~'~
Typically, not everyone is pleased. "What's this?" Julian demands.
"Upstairs Downstairs," Alison replies, as she fights to get the first DVD out of its casing.
"Oh, God, really? Boring! Why can't you get anything exciting?"
'Because I don't want to set Fanny off again,' Alison does not reply.
"I think it looks exciting!" Kitty enthuses as she stares at the box. "Don't they look like nice people?"
"You can't judge a book by its cover, Kitty," the Captain moralises.
"It's not a book though, it's a DVD."
"I'm sure Lady Alison won't steer us wrong," Thomas says, giving Alison another one of his wistful looks.
Alison shoves the DVD into place with a little more force than is warranted and presses play. The music starts and the ghosts lean in excitedly as the opening credits begin. Even now, with the TV not being quite such a novelty, it still has the power to enthrall them. However...
"I'm appalled, Alison! Absolutely appalled! Such behaviour - and from the daughter of an earl! Why you expected me to like such goings-on is beyond me!"
Alison gives up trying to interrupt Fanny mid-flow and goes back to cleaning the cupboard under the stairs. She hasn't watched Upstairs Downstairs at all. How is she to know Lady Marjorie slept with one of her son's friends? Is she now supposed to vet everything to make sure there's nothing that will offend Fanny's sensibilities? That would be a full-time job.
"That Marjorie! What a goer!"
'Oh, God, there's Julian. That's not going to help.'
"I hardly think -"
Julian, unlike Alison, seems to have no trouble interrupting Fanny. "I do! What a great political hostess she must have made. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!"
"Don't nudge me, Julian. Lady Marjorie is too much of a lady to -"
"Not so much of a lady she won't jump into bed with that captain though, eh?"
That's it. Alison's done. Next time she gets a bright idea, she'll get Mike to talk her out of it. For now, Alison gets into the cupboard and closes the door behind her.
~'~
"What's this?! Alison? Alison!"
Alison sighs to herself, and wearily heads to the TV to answer Fanny's question.
"It's an advert. I explained about those, remember?"
"No, no, no. It was on before the adverts. It was a programme about a lady - an older lady - who investigates crime."
"Miss Marple? A little old lady in a village?"
"Do they have villages in America?"
"Oh, she's American? You don't like Americans."
"I like some Americans."
That is news to Alison. She dutifully racks her brains anyway. "American, older lady, solves crime... Er..."
"Come along, Alison! She has a typewriter!"
"With a typewriter. Er..." There is one. Alison can't think of her name though. "Mike?"
Mike wanders in with a mug of tea. "What's up?"
"What's that TV show with the American writer who solves crime?"
"Castle," he promptly answers. "Good show, Castle."
"No, the female writer. The one who played a teapot. I can see her now!"
Mike and Fanny stare at her. Fortunately for Alison's sanity, the adverts end.
"Urgh, Murder She Wrote! Urgh!" Mike recoils from the TV.
"That's the one. You really hate that show." Alison's talking to thin air; Mike's gone, leaving his tea behind him. Alison swipes it and takes a gulp, then turns to Fanny. "It's Murder She Wrote. That's Jessica Fletcher." Typically, Alison can now remember all kinds of details.
Fanny's staring at the TV. "She seems a most sensible woman. Would this Murder She Wrote be available to watch often?"
"Really?" Who would have thought it? Alison shrugs. Mike will just have to go to the pub that night. "Yeah, I think it can be arranged."
Just then, Julian comes in. "Urgh, Murder She Wrote! Urgh! We're not watching that rubbish!"
"It's not rubbish! It's far better than anything you like!" Fanny retorts.
Alison sighs and takes her tea to the cupboard so she can drink it in peace. It's a shame she can't send Julian to the pub too.
The end.
29th March 2022.
I hope you liked it!
Author: Dimity Blue
Rating: All
Genre: Gen, humour
Characters: Alison, Mike, Fanny, Julian, minor mentions of all the others
Word Count: 1,311 words
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: It's a never-ending, thankless task for Alison to find something on the TV for each of her ghostly housemates to enjoy watching. So far, she's failed with Fanny.
On AO3.
The Problem With Immortality
By Dimity Blue
So far as Alison can tell, the biggest problem her ghosts have is boredom. Aside from not being able to touch anything, which affects all of them except Julian. Actually, if they could touch material objects, maybe they wouldn't be so bored.
However, they can't, so they are. Bored, that is. But now they have Alison and Mike.
Or rather, they have Alison as Mike can't see or hear them. He has no idea how lucky he is.
Before Alison, the ghosts had Pat, who lived - in a manner of speaking - up to his scoutmaster ways by organising clubs for them to join. Food club, impressions club, speech club, discussion club, music club... The list goes on. Alison's decided Pat has the patience of a saint because he hasn't spent the past number of years trying to kill off all the ghosts.
However, now Alison is here, and she can do far more than Pat. She times the Captain's dash across the grounds; puts on music for Thomas, the laptop for Julian, and football for Pat; fills in Robin's crossword clues; and turns pages of books for Kitty, Humphrey, and Mary. So far the plague ghosts haven't asked for anything, but it's only a matter of time.
In order to spare herself a lot of time and effort, Alison introduces them to Friends. Well, it was actually to stop them from ruining her dinner party but that was a lost cause anyway. However, now they're all enthralled with 'the magic box' as Mary calls it, which means Alison and Mike are guaranteed some peace during the day as long as they leave the TV on.
The ghosts all have their preferences, of course. The Captain will watch anything war related, while Kitty and Thomas adore historical romances, with Jane Austen being a particular favourite. Humphrey likes history too, though it's best to avoid anything involving Henry VIII himself. Humphrey's head got particularly shouty over the historical inaccuracies in The Other Boleyn Girl, and Alison would prefer to avoid a repeat. Pat and Robin, oddly enough, love action films, and Robin swears Arnold Schwarzenegger is just like his cousin Augh, though he can't even pronounce Schwarzenegger. Julian claims to love political dramas, but he really prefers to be left alone with the laptop to watch porn. Alison's taken to deleting all the history unseen.
In fact, it's only Fanny and Mary who don't have any actual favourites. Mary will watch almost anything while Fanny disapproves of everything. Alison, however, has an ace up her sleeve.
~'~
"Downton Abbey? I thought you already tried that?"
Alison can tell Mike isn't actually listening. His eyes are still on the newspaper and Pat's avidly reading over his shoulder, so Alison knows it's the football pages.
"I did." And Fanny's outraged reaction had been loud enough to even distract Julian from his porn. "The woman in the library said this was the Downton Abbey of its day, only with nicer characters."
"Good luck with that." And Mike turned the page.
~'~
"Upstairs Downstairs?" Fanny raised her eyebrows.
" It's a TV series about an Edwardian family and their servants -"
"Not like that awful Downton Abbey, I hope!" Fanny interrupted. "The goings on in that household! Lady Mary was bad enough but her sisters! I'm astonished they had any daughters left in the household what with marrying servants and illegitimate babies and..."
Alison nodded but tuned her out while she waited for Fanny to run out of steam. Finally, Fanny was quiet enough for Alison to put in, "Well, if you don't enjoy it, I can return it early."
Fanny gave a sniff. "I'm sure some of the others will enjoy it, and far be it from me to stand in anyone's way."
"Good. I'll put the first disc in now."
~'~
Typically, not everyone is pleased. "What's this?" Julian demands.
"Upstairs Downstairs," Alison replies, as she fights to get the first DVD out of its casing.
"Oh, God, really? Boring! Why can't you get anything exciting?"
'Because I don't want to set Fanny off again,' Alison does not reply.
"I think it looks exciting!" Kitty enthuses as she stares at the box. "Don't they look like nice people?"
"You can't judge a book by its cover, Kitty," the Captain moralises.
"It's not a book though, it's a DVD."
"I'm sure Lady Alison won't steer us wrong," Thomas says, giving Alison another one of his wistful looks.
Alison shoves the DVD into place with a little more force than is warranted and presses play. The music starts and the ghosts lean in excitedly as the opening credits begin. Even now, with the TV not being quite such a novelty, it still has the power to enthrall them. However...
"I'm appalled, Alison! Absolutely appalled! Such behaviour - and from the daughter of an earl! Why you expected me to like such goings-on is beyond me!"
Alison gives up trying to interrupt Fanny mid-flow and goes back to cleaning the cupboard under the stairs. She hasn't watched Upstairs Downstairs at all. How is she to know Lady Marjorie slept with one of her son's friends? Is she now supposed to vet everything to make sure there's nothing that will offend Fanny's sensibilities? That would be a full-time job.
"That Marjorie! What a goer!"
'Oh, God, there's Julian. That's not going to help.'
"I hardly think -"
Julian, unlike Alison, seems to have no trouble interrupting Fanny. "I do! What a great political hostess she must have made. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!"
"Don't nudge me, Julian. Lady Marjorie is too much of a lady to -"
"Not so much of a lady she won't jump into bed with that captain though, eh?"
That's it. Alison's done. Next time she gets a bright idea, she'll get Mike to talk her out of it. For now, Alison gets into the cupboard and closes the door behind her.
~'~
"What's this?! Alison? Alison!"
Alison sighs to herself, and wearily heads to the TV to answer Fanny's question.
"It's an advert. I explained about those, remember?"
"No, no, no. It was on before the adverts. It was a programme about a lady - an older lady - who investigates crime."
"Miss Marple? A little old lady in a village?"
"Do they have villages in America?"
"Oh, she's American? You don't like Americans."
"I like some Americans."
That is news to Alison. She dutifully racks her brains anyway. "American, older lady, solves crime... Er..."
"Come along, Alison! She has a typewriter!"
"With a typewriter. Er..." There is one. Alison can't think of her name though. "Mike?"
Mike wanders in with a mug of tea. "What's up?"
"What's that TV show with the American writer who solves crime?"
"Castle," he promptly answers. "Good show, Castle."
"No, the female writer. The one who played a teapot. I can see her now!"
Mike and Fanny stare at her. Fortunately for Alison's sanity, the adverts end.
"Urgh, Murder She Wrote! Urgh!" Mike recoils from the TV.
"That's the one. You really hate that show." Alison's talking to thin air; Mike's gone, leaving his tea behind him. Alison swipes it and takes a gulp, then turns to Fanny. "It's Murder She Wrote. That's Jessica Fletcher." Typically, Alison can now remember all kinds of details.
Fanny's staring at the TV. "She seems a most sensible woman. Would this Murder She Wrote be available to watch often?"
"Really?" Who would have thought it? Alison shrugs. Mike will just have to go to the pub that night. "Yeah, I think it can be arranged."
Just then, Julian comes in. "Urgh, Murder She Wrote! Urgh! We're not watching that rubbish!"
"It's not rubbish! It's far better than anything you like!" Fanny retorts.
Alison sighs and takes her tea to the cupboard so she can drink it in peace. It's a shame she can't send Julian to the pub too.
The end.
29th March 2022.
I hope you liked it!