To Duchessa, from Jasetsi ♥
Title: Faith
Author: Jasetsi
Recipient: Lulu (duchessa)
Series: TRC
Characters/Pairing: KuroFai + R!Fai
Rating: PG
Author Notes/Warnings: Written on the prompt “Impression Change” and beta-ed by jackpirate13.
You don’t know that I have always been watching you, do you? From the second when my soul left my body I could see you, hunched down besides me. I wanted to tell you not to cry, not to blame yourself and that the choice had been mine. But I couldn’t find a way to communicate with you so I simply watched as the stranger took you away from the valley, as you offered him my name as your own, and it broke my heart to see you suffering so much. Still I couldn’t regret my choice.
And as the years went on I continued to watch you from afar, wishing for you to find happiness. At first I missed your brave, cheeky smile that had always cheered me up but as you finally smiled it was even more painful because this smile was merely a ghost to the one I was used to. But the people there didn’t know you, so I guess you could fool them. To me it was empty and I closed my mind, not longer having tears to cry and pleaded you to let me go and go on with your life.
I could see your struggle as the world once more broke down around you, sense your pain as this king of Celes that had come to mean so much to you suddenly become an enemy you had to stop. You’re a gentle soul, you always was, so how could you ever raise your hand to someone who had given you so much?
Instead you were running away, away from this place that had become your haven, the first place in which you had been able to feel safe and welcome, running away from the first person, besides me, that had ever showed you kindness. And me, the silent ghost, could do nothing but watch. At first I thought that maybe I would stop seeing you as you left the world in which my body was, waiting under water for something I knew was impossible and didn’t want. But as you had written the complicated words forming the spell that would take you to the Dimensional witch, my conscious followed instantly. It was nothing big, only like when you blink your eyes really quick, and then I could suddenly see the garden outside the witch’s residence, feel the rain as if I really had been there.
The witch herself was a beautiful lady, not only like the ladies in the castle of Valeria, but also with a great sense of power around her, magical power but also power of the mind and great mental strength. Mental strength was something I also could sense from the other people that had gathered, from the black haired man, the boy with the determined eyes, even from the unconscious girl. As I understood these were going to be your new companions I hoped that they, with their strength, could make you realize your own.
At first I was a little scared of the stern warrior with his burning red eyes and his violent ways. And I wondered if you were too, if it was because of that you encountered him the way you did, playfully and lively. But as time went by I started to think that you, who had had more chances to socialize than I ever had, were better at knowing people. Because he didn’t seem like a bad person and the anger he showed could turn into something protective just as easily. And I saw him save your life in the world with the evil wizard, even if he said the travel had nothing to do with him. Even if you might be better at reading people that I am, I could sense that he confused you, made you curious as he behaved in a way so different from your own, from our own.
His eyes on you showed something completely different; even if they so often fell upon you there was no real interest in them, no questions that wanted an answer. I wondered about that until that evening in the world that wasn’t real, the night when you both where fighting the strange monsters, side by side. In the moment he turned towards you and fixed his intensive eyes on your face with something that almost resembled despise, even though he had just saved your life once more, it suddenly become so obvious that your actions couldn’t fool him, not more that they could fool me. And I got scared that he would hurt you, especially since even you flinched back, looking up at him with eyes that looked more like mine and less like yours. But he didn’t and I was unsure whether his words made me feel angry with him since they made you so upset or happy since it was the first time that someone tried to tell you to live on. It was something so broken in the smile you gave him then; you were ashamed of even thinking of living on without me, right? Oh, nii-sama how I wish you’d never needed to feel that shame because of me.
As the travelling went on I found myself torn between your will to stay away from close contacts, since our childhood used to distrust the motive of others, and the wish that you would find a way to learn to live with these people and live because of them instead of chasing after memories, for the rest of your life caught in guilt that wasn’t even yours to carry from the beginning. It was hard to see you struggle, reaching out for you and knowing you could never feel my hands on your shoulders.
During the time you were in the world in which you didn’t understand the language I could sense how your desperation grew. You have always been good with words, nii-sama, at telling stories so that everyone that hears them believes in them. I could feel how vulnerable you felt as you suddenly couldn’t make yourself understood. And it also meant you had to trust in the stern warrior, who could speak this tongue as his own. You don’t want to have to rely on others, you never wanted that, not even me, and yet you once more got caught up in a situation you couldn’t control and it made your smile grow hollow. I could sense it and he could see it and you winced away from his looks as if they had hurt you. But you stayed and he kept quiet, despite his often so hostile behaviour not for a single moment letting you out of sight.
Days came and days went and another two worlds followed, both new and peculiar and your relief as you didn’t have to be in a place so full of death and hatred made me cheer up again, hoping for yet another friendly place to follow. But strange things started to happen, things that confused and scared you, and suddenly you ended up in a situation in which you had to use your magic. Of all the things I have ever been scared of nothing scares me as much as your fear nii-sama, and it was with fear in your heart you travelled the next time and this world never met you with sunshine but with a soul so dark I wanted to drag you with me and hide away just like we used to do as children. But you were no child anymore and I couldn’t touch you so I curled up in the back of your mind and hoped that you could still be aware of my presence somewhat, trying to give you whatever strength I had left in me.
What happened next was something so horrible I can’t describe it in words, and even now I hide away from the memories and the pain. How I feared for you dying, how I feared for the change that was the only way of saving your life and how I was torn between hating this man for putting you in so much pain and loving him for saving your life once more. Painful memories even for me, nii-sama, and yet I could only sense them.
It changed everything; to a darker, lonelier road. I know you disliked it, from the painful look in your eyes and from the words you spoke to the witch. So strong, Yuui, so strong you are willing to face loneliness even if it hurts you, to protect both others and yourself. During the time that followed in the world with the never-ending fighting I was mostly staying still, hunched down and waiting for whatever would come. The most terrible time since the days in the tower it was, because I was just as useless as then, unable to help you when you needed me. It seemed like the friendly girl could ease your suffering with her calm words and trust in you, even if her eyes were pained too, and this made me happy because I don’t want you to be lonely, nii-sama, none of us were meant to be. Of course I knew that you didn’t attack her by your own choice. I would have had to be blind not to see, would have had to close my heart completely from yours and it was too horrifying for me to be able to close my eyes or turn away.
Yet once more I wasn’t the only one who saw. Because he grabbed your hand in order to stop your attempted suicide. And his eyes were filled with questions and agony of a kind I in the beginning never would have thought he was capable of. He too knew, nii-sama, that you are indeed a good person, even if he knew nothing about the curse he was still convinced that there was an explanation, even if you didn’t believe in your own innocence. His ways might have been harsh but he managed to bring you back and go on and I guess the fact that he still believed in you was what scared you the most, because now you were suddenly going back to face your past and you still thought that the revelation of it would make anyone hate you.
But it seems like you got in wrong once more, nii-sama, because when the time came you were indeed not alone. There was nothing about you to hate and even if there had been there were still people believing in you. I think you realized that and even if your eyes were filled with tears as I moved on, your hand was once more held and there were finally someone at your side that both of us knew would stay.
I can’t see you anymore but I know you got out safely because I have faith in you both and I know that he would never have left you behind.
Author: Jasetsi
Recipient: Lulu (duchessa)
Series: TRC
Characters/Pairing: KuroFai + R!Fai
Rating: PG
Author Notes/Warnings: Written on the prompt “Impression Change” and beta-ed by jackpirate13.
You don’t know that I have always been watching you, do you? From the second when my soul left my body I could see you, hunched down besides me. I wanted to tell you not to cry, not to blame yourself and that the choice had been mine. But I couldn’t find a way to communicate with you so I simply watched as the stranger took you away from the valley, as you offered him my name as your own, and it broke my heart to see you suffering so much. Still I couldn’t regret my choice.
And as the years went on I continued to watch you from afar, wishing for you to find happiness. At first I missed your brave, cheeky smile that had always cheered me up but as you finally smiled it was even more painful because this smile was merely a ghost to the one I was used to. But the people there didn’t know you, so I guess you could fool them. To me it was empty and I closed my mind, not longer having tears to cry and pleaded you to let me go and go on with your life.
I could see your struggle as the world once more broke down around you, sense your pain as this king of Celes that had come to mean so much to you suddenly become an enemy you had to stop. You’re a gentle soul, you always was, so how could you ever raise your hand to someone who had given you so much?
Instead you were running away, away from this place that had become your haven, the first place in which you had been able to feel safe and welcome, running away from the first person, besides me, that had ever showed you kindness. And me, the silent ghost, could do nothing but watch. At first I thought that maybe I would stop seeing you as you left the world in which my body was, waiting under water for something I knew was impossible and didn’t want. But as you had written the complicated words forming the spell that would take you to the Dimensional witch, my conscious followed instantly. It was nothing big, only like when you blink your eyes really quick, and then I could suddenly see the garden outside the witch’s residence, feel the rain as if I really had been there.
The witch herself was a beautiful lady, not only like the ladies in the castle of Valeria, but also with a great sense of power around her, magical power but also power of the mind and great mental strength. Mental strength was something I also could sense from the other people that had gathered, from the black haired man, the boy with the determined eyes, even from the unconscious girl. As I understood these were going to be your new companions I hoped that they, with their strength, could make you realize your own.
At first I was a little scared of the stern warrior with his burning red eyes and his violent ways. And I wondered if you were too, if it was because of that you encountered him the way you did, playfully and lively. But as time went by I started to think that you, who had had more chances to socialize than I ever had, were better at knowing people. Because he didn’t seem like a bad person and the anger he showed could turn into something protective just as easily. And I saw him save your life in the world with the evil wizard, even if he said the travel had nothing to do with him. Even if you might be better at reading people that I am, I could sense that he confused you, made you curious as he behaved in a way so different from your own, from our own.
His eyes on you showed something completely different; even if they so often fell upon you there was no real interest in them, no questions that wanted an answer. I wondered about that until that evening in the world that wasn’t real, the night when you both where fighting the strange monsters, side by side. In the moment he turned towards you and fixed his intensive eyes on your face with something that almost resembled despise, even though he had just saved your life once more, it suddenly become so obvious that your actions couldn’t fool him, not more that they could fool me. And I got scared that he would hurt you, especially since even you flinched back, looking up at him with eyes that looked more like mine and less like yours. But he didn’t and I was unsure whether his words made me feel angry with him since they made you so upset or happy since it was the first time that someone tried to tell you to live on. It was something so broken in the smile you gave him then; you were ashamed of even thinking of living on without me, right? Oh, nii-sama how I wish you’d never needed to feel that shame because of me.
As the travelling went on I found myself torn between your will to stay away from close contacts, since our childhood used to distrust the motive of others, and the wish that you would find a way to learn to live with these people and live because of them instead of chasing after memories, for the rest of your life caught in guilt that wasn’t even yours to carry from the beginning. It was hard to see you struggle, reaching out for you and knowing you could never feel my hands on your shoulders.
During the time you were in the world in which you didn’t understand the language I could sense how your desperation grew. You have always been good with words, nii-sama, at telling stories so that everyone that hears them believes in them. I could feel how vulnerable you felt as you suddenly couldn’t make yourself understood. And it also meant you had to trust in the stern warrior, who could speak this tongue as his own. You don’t want to have to rely on others, you never wanted that, not even me, and yet you once more got caught up in a situation you couldn’t control and it made your smile grow hollow. I could sense it and he could see it and you winced away from his looks as if they had hurt you. But you stayed and he kept quiet, despite his often so hostile behaviour not for a single moment letting you out of sight.
Days came and days went and another two worlds followed, both new and peculiar and your relief as you didn’t have to be in a place so full of death and hatred made me cheer up again, hoping for yet another friendly place to follow. But strange things started to happen, things that confused and scared you, and suddenly you ended up in a situation in which you had to use your magic. Of all the things I have ever been scared of nothing scares me as much as your fear nii-sama, and it was with fear in your heart you travelled the next time and this world never met you with sunshine but with a soul so dark I wanted to drag you with me and hide away just like we used to do as children. But you were no child anymore and I couldn’t touch you so I curled up in the back of your mind and hoped that you could still be aware of my presence somewhat, trying to give you whatever strength I had left in me.
What happened next was something so horrible I can’t describe it in words, and even now I hide away from the memories and the pain. How I feared for you dying, how I feared for the change that was the only way of saving your life and how I was torn between hating this man for putting you in so much pain and loving him for saving your life once more. Painful memories even for me, nii-sama, and yet I could only sense them.
It changed everything; to a darker, lonelier road. I know you disliked it, from the painful look in your eyes and from the words you spoke to the witch. So strong, Yuui, so strong you are willing to face loneliness even if it hurts you, to protect both others and yourself. During the time that followed in the world with the never-ending fighting I was mostly staying still, hunched down and waiting for whatever would come. The most terrible time since the days in the tower it was, because I was just as useless as then, unable to help you when you needed me. It seemed like the friendly girl could ease your suffering with her calm words and trust in you, even if her eyes were pained too, and this made me happy because I don’t want you to be lonely, nii-sama, none of us were meant to be. Of course I knew that you didn’t attack her by your own choice. I would have had to be blind not to see, would have had to close my heart completely from yours and it was too horrifying for me to be able to close my eyes or turn away.
Yet once more I wasn’t the only one who saw. Because he grabbed your hand in order to stop your attempted suicide. And his eyes were filled with questions and agony of a kind I in the beginning never would have thought he was capable of. He too knew, nii-sama, that you are indeed a good person, even if he knew nothing about the curse he was still convinced that there was an explanation, even if you didn’t believe in your own innocence. His ways might have been harsh but he managed to bring you back and go on and I guess the fact that he still believed in you was what scared you the most, because now you were suddenly going back to face your past and you still thought that the revelation of it would make anyone hate you.
But it seems like you got in wrong once more, nii-sama, because when the time came you were indeed not alone. There was nothing about you to hate and even if there had been there were still people believing in you. I think you realized that and even if your eyes were filled with tears as I moved on, your hand was once more held and there were finally someone at your side that both of us knew would stay.
I can’t see you anymore but I know you got out safely because I have faith in you both and I know that he would never have left you behind.