To Curious Robin, From Doumeki ♥
Title: Like a Moth to the Flame
Author: doumeki
Recipient: curious_robin
Series: xxxHOLiC
Characters/Pairing: Himawari, Doumeki, Watanuki, Yuuko
Rating: PG
Author’s Notes/Warnings: Spoilers up to 186. Sorry. ^^;; I did my best to do a Himawari-centric fic, so I hope you like it.
She thinks it's only appropriate that it rains the night he falls.
She waits outside with Doumeki-kun, who is covered with blood. He stands next to her, back straight, resolute, no hesitation. She thinks that she wants to be like that - to be so sure in her conviction that her entire being radiates with it - but she is shaking and her arms are wrapped around her waist.
Still, the unfamiliar tightness around her neck throbs, and even if she can’t stand as tall as Doumeki-kun, she has done something, and for her, it is more than enough.
+++
She is doing this for his own good, she tells herself, though a voice whispers that she is being selfish. He is lying on the bed, face so white under the bandages that she is unsure where they end and his skin begins.
The sudden urge to find out is quelled, and she begins. She watches his face as the words pour out of her, as she apologizes and holds the tears back as she says goodbye.
He wasn’t supposed to stop her, though, and when he does, her heart skips a beat.
+++
She stares at the scars in the mirror - her hair is pinned up with her mother’s clip, giving her an unobstructed view. They are slick and taut, as though they’ve been there for years, but the stiffness she feels in her shoulders, along her back - those are all new. Gently, she traces the shapes as well as she can; they feel smooth.
Her mother is calling for her, and she quickly dresses, habit guiding her hands as they pull her hair into her trademark pigtails - high on her head, leaving her nape bare. She catches a glimpse of the scars peeking out from the collar of her uniform. She stares at the reflection for a moment before untying the ribbons in her hair.
She gathers a small amount and ties them up on each side, leaving the rest of the length to cascade down her shoulders. Her hair tickles the back of her neck, but it hides the scars, and some things are more important than her own comfort.
+++
Doumeki-kun is waiting for her at the school gates when she enters. He is leaning against the post, staring at the sky. When she approaches him, he pushes away and nods. If he notices anything different, he doesn’t say anything.
“Will you be practicing today?” she asks, a bit worried. She remembers his pallid complexion from the night before, how his uniform was covered in blood. She shivers in the summer breeze.
“Yes,” he replies calmly, eyes focused on the third floor of the building.
Himawari doesn’t have a chance to say anything - she is swept into a group of girls from her class who can only seem to talk about Watanuki-kun and how he is going to be absent and does she know why? She smiles weakly and rubs her hand against her nape, doing her best to field questions.
Doumeki-kun keeps walking, and he doesn’t look back.
+++
She has been standing outside of the gates for a while, looking at the shop from the other side. How many times has she walked this street and passed by this lot, she wonders.
“Mommy, why is that girl just staring at the empty lot?” she hears a little boy ask as he and his mother pass by. The mother shushes him and shoots her an embarrassed smile, which Himawari returns.
She gives the shop one last look and turns around. Yuuko-san is standing in front of her.
“He’s still asleep,” she tells her, smiling kindly.
“Oh,” Himawari replies.
“He’ll be fine,” Yuuko-san assures her.
“I’m glad,” she whispers, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. “I should be going.”
Yuuko-san nods. “Good night, Himawari-chan.”
“Good night, Yuuko-san.”
+++
She closes her eyes and sees shards of glass tinged red. In the quiet she hears screams and the sound of breaking glass.
In her dreams she sees his body, arms and legs twisted at unnatural angles, sinking in a pool of blood.
In the hour between night and dawn, she sees Doumeki-kun - his crisp white hakama splashed in shades of red and black - carrying him away.
In the mirror, she sees herself, and the tears flowing down her cheeks.
+++
“We really like your new hair style, Himawari-chan,” Sayako-chan says as they are changing for PE. “But you may want to tie it back - we’re on beam today.”
Himawari touches her hair. “Oh,” she says. “I don’t have an elastic.” They haven’t seen, and she does not want to explain.
After all, how could she explain?
“I have one,” Misato-chan offers, handing her one. “I always have one after last month.”
The girls start laughing and talking about Misato-chan’s famous fall off the beam. Himawari wants to laugh with them, but the scars tighten when she laughs. Quickly, she braids her hair and ties the end off with the elastic.
Sayako-chan nods approvingly. “That looks good,” she says.
Himawari smiles and follows the group out of the locker room.
+++
She finds Doumeki-kun in front of the window. The glass has been replaced, she notices.
“He should be coming back tomorrow,” Doumeki-kun informs her.
She nods and stares out the window. Carefully, she places a hand on the glass; it’s cold. “Have you seen him?”
“No,” he replies.
“Me, either.”
They don’t say anything else.
+++
She leaves for school early, intent on arriving at the gates before Watanuki-kun does. She wants to see him for herself - see that he is okay, see that there is no lasting damage, that he is whole and well and that the price she paid was enough. She is almost running in her haste and has to forcibly slow herself down.
Doumeki-kun is leaning casually against the post, eyes closed. She moves to stand next to him and stares up at the sky.
People begin to walk by them, a few giving them curious looks as they wait - she is sure that there will be rumors circulating all too soon about them, but she doesn’t care.
Time is running out before the bell, and she looks over at Doumeki-kun, worried. His eyes are still closed, he is still leaning, and Himawari relaxes.
Doumeki-kun would know if something is wrong, she thinks. He always knows when something is wrong.
Doumeki-kun shifts next to her and she looks at the street.
Watanuki-kun is making their way toward them, smiling.
+++
“That’s such a cute bird, Himawari-chan,” Maiko-chan says, reaching out a finger to pet Tanpopo. Tanpopo tweets appreciatively.
“A friend gave him to me,” she says, smiling.
Hana-chan frowns. “I thought you couldn’t have any pets, Himawari-chan.”
Himawari remembers the kitten her grandmother had given her, and the fish she had won at the summer festivals when she was much younger. She remembers streaks of red on gray and gold atop blue. Her smile never wavers.
“My mother said I could keep Tanpopo since he’s small,” she explains.
Hana-chan nods.
Tanpopo nudges her cheek and tweets softly in her ear.
+++
They are careful around him for the first few days, treating him as though he is made of the same glass he went careening through, though it is an unfair comparison.
Watanuki-kun brings her the pink chiffon cake, as promised, and they eat it together with Doumeki-kun watching them from the shadows. She feels torn, wanting to invite him to join them, but she also wants to keep Watanuki-kun to herself.
It is a selfish thought, and she knows that she shouldn’t be here, with him, with them, but Watanuki-kun smiles at her and Tanpopo sings on her shoulder, and she finds that she is happy.
+++
“His little finger,” she says quietly.
“It is what it is,” Doumeki-kun replies.
Himawari nods.
+++
She is hesitant to enter the shop - she knows that Watanuki-kun is not there, knows that he is with Doumeki-kun at school, watching the kyuudo tournament. She is inside the gate, standing on the walkway.
Maru-chan and Moro-chan are watching her curiously, eyes blank. They settle on her in unison and stare, and Himawari wonders if they really see her - really see her, the selfish girl under the smiles - before they smile and run to meet her.
They take her by the hand and lead her to Yuuko-san, who is sitting in a lounge chair around back, smoking her pipe and blowing the smoke lazily into the air.
“Good afternoon, Himawari-chan,” Yuuko-san says nonchalantly. There is a cup of tea beside her, and she inclines her hand toward it, offering it to Himawari.
The tea is hot and sweet, they way she likes it. She places the cup back on the saucer.
“Thank you,” she replies, knowing that Yuuko-san will know - she always knows.
They sit in silence for a while longer. The tea grows cold.
“He’ll be here soon,” Yuuko-san informs her.
Himawari nods, staring at the sakura tree and feeling a faint breeze weave through her hair.
“I cannot fix it,” Yuuko-san says, “the price is too great.”
She nods again and stands.
+++
He doesn’t allow her to distance herself anymore. Instead, he waits for her after class and if she resists, he gets Doumeki-kun, who just rolls his eyes drolly and stands on the other side of her.
It’s odd, this feeling that she is being protected by them, when, in reality, it is they who should be protected from her. But Yuuko-san allows it and smiles and wishes them well as they leave the shop together, and she begins to think that maybe, just maybe, they could continue on the way they have been.
+++
She still sees it in her dreams - the blood, the glass, his body - so she begins to sleep less.
+++
He never asks her, not outright, what she paid. She can feel his gaze on her, curious and searching, but she ignores it, careful not to squirm.
+++
The scars have settled on her - the stiffness is gone, and her skin no longer feels tight - but she still feels them, knows they’re there. They are not something that she will be able to forget; forgetting the scars somehow means forgetting him, and she did not pay this price to have him fade away, to let him disappear.
But as she watches him, she sees him fading, retreating, and withdrawing. His glasses have disappeared and his eyes are guarded.
Doumeki-kun is on edge, never straying from his side unless necessary.
She watches them, and she touches the scars to reassure herself that they are still there.
+++
It is an odd question to be asked - do you remember Yuuko-san, Himawari-chan? - because, of course the answer is yes, how do you forget someone who saved your world? But the question seems important to Watanuki-kun, so she answers.
+++
There are more shadows in his eyes, now.
She sits in the stands and watches as Doumeki-kun shoots, sees the arrow fly true to the target, but he does not look satisfied. He touches his pocket, as if reassuring herself that something is there.
It is similar to the way she massages her neck - hard, pressing fingers digging into the scars - to remind herself that everything is still all right, that he is still here, even if he isn’t with them. It has become a nervous habit, her hand against the scars, one that her classmates are beginning to pick up on.
Another arrow whistles through the air and strikes the target, and she can make out the scowl on Doumeki-kun’s face.
She looks up at the sky and wishes.
+++
She can see the surprise on his face - he has never been good at schooling his emotions - but she stands her ground.
“I can’t grant that, Himawari-chan,” he says softly, looking at the floor. “I have to wait for her.”
Himawari nods. “Then I’ll wait for you,” she says firmly. Her back is straight, the inner turmoil and hesitation she feels inside not breaking the calm surface she presents. “I won’t come back. If you want to see me, you’ll have to come to me.”
There is something so close to grief on his face that she wants to take back her words, but she doesn’t. It is his choice - Doumeki-kun has told her over and over and over - and this is hers. She stands outside the gate and watches him.
He smiles sadly.
“I’ll see you later, Watanuki-kun,” she says, and walks away.
Author: doumeki
Recipient: curious_robin
Series: xxxHOLiC
Characters/Pairing: Himawari, Doumeki, Watanuki, Yuuko
Rating: PG
Author’s Notes/Warnings: Spoilers up to 186. Sorry. ^^;; I did my best to do a Himawari-centric fic, so I hope you like it.
She thinks it's only appropriate that it rains the night he falls.
She waits outside with Doumeki-kun, who is covered with blood. He stands next to her, back straight, resolute, no hesitation. She thinks that she wants to be like that - to be so sure in her conviction that her entire being radiates with it - but she is shaking and her arms are wrapped around her waist.
Still, the unfamiliar tightness around her neck throbs, and even if she can’t stand as tall as Doumeki-kun, she has done something, and for her, it is more than enough.
+++
She is doing this for his own good, she tells herself, though a voice whispers that she is being selfish. He is lying on the bed, face so white under the bandages that she is unsure where they end and his skin begins.
The sudden urge to find out is quelled, and she begins. She watches his face as the words pour out of her, as she apologizes and holds the tears back as she says goodbye.
He wasn’t supposed to stop her, though, and when he does, her heart skips a beat.
+++
She stares at the scars in the mirror - her hair is pinned up with her mother’s clip, giving her an unobstructed view. They are slick and taut, as though they’ve been there for years, but the stiffness she feels in her shoulders, along her back - those are all new. Gently, she traces the shapes as well as she can; they feel smooth.
Her mother is calling for her, and she quickly dresses, habit guiding her hands as they pull her hair into her trademark pigtails - high on her head, leaving her nape bare. She catches a glimpse of the scars peeking out from the collar of her uniform. She stares at the reflection for a moment before untying the ribbons in her hair.
She gathers a small amount and ties them up on each side, leaving the rest of the length to cascade down her shoulders. Her hair tickles the back of her neck, but it hides the scars, and some things are more important than her own comfort.
+++
Doumeki-kun is waiting for her at the school gates when she enters. He is leaning against the post, staring at the sky. When she approaches him, he pushes away and nods. If he notices anything different, he doesn’t say anything.
“Will you be practicing today?” she asks, a bit worried. She remembers his pallid complexion from the night before, how his uniform was covered in blood. She shivers in the summer breeze.
“Yes,” he replies calmly, eyes focused on the third floor of the building.
Himawari doesn’t have a chance to say anything - she is swept into a group of girls from her class who can only seem to talk about Watanuki-kun and how he is going to be absent and does she know why? She smiles weakly and rubs her hand against her nape, doing her best to field questions.
Doumeki-kun keeps walking, and he doesn’t look back.
+++
She has been standing outside of the gates for a while, looking at the shop from the other side. How many times has she walked this street and passed by this lot, she wonders.
“Mommy, why is that girl just staring at the empty lot?” she hears a little boy ask as he and his mother pass by. The mother shushes him and shoots her an embarrassed smile, which Himawari returns.
She gives the shop one last look and turns around. Yuuko-san is standing in front of her.
“He’s still asleep,” she tells her, smiling kindly.
“Oh,” Himawari replies.
“He’ll be fine,” Yuuko-san assures her.
“I’m glad,” she whispers, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. “I should be going.”
Yuuko-san nods. “Good night, Himawari-chan.”
“Good night, Yuuko-san.”
+++
She closes her eyes and sees shards of glass tinged red. In the quiet she hears screams and the sound of breaking glass.
In her dreams she sees his body, arms and legs twisted at unnatural angles, sinking in a pool of blood.
In the hour between night and dawn, she sees Doumeki-kun - his crisp white hakama splashed in shades of red and black - carrying him away.
In the mirror, she sees herself, and the tears flowing down her cheeks.
+++
“We really like your new hair style, Himawari-chan,” Sayako-chan says as they are changing for PE. “But you may want to tie it back - we’re on beam today.”
Himawari touches her hair. “Oh,” she says. “I don’t have an elastic.” They haven’t seen, and she does not want to explain.
After all, how could she explain?
“I have one,” Misato-chan offers, handing her one. “I always have one after last month.”
The girls start laughing and talking about Misato-chan’s famous fall off the beam. Himawari wants to laugh with them, but the scars tighten when she laughs. Quickly, she braids her hair and ties the end off with the elastic.
Sayako-chan nods approvingly. “That looks good,” she says.
Himawari smiles and follows the group out of the locker room.
+++
She finds Doumeki-kun in front of the window. The glass has been replaced, she notices.
“He should be coming back tomorrow,” Doumeki-kun informs her.
She nods and stares out the window. Carefully, she places a hand on the glass; it’s cold. “Have you seen him?”
“No,” he replies.
“Me, either.”
They don’t say anything else.
+++
She leaves for school early, intent on arriving at the gates before Watanuki-kun does. She wants to see him for herself - see that he is okay, see that there is no lasting damage, that he is whole and well and that the price she paid was enough. She is almost running in her haste and has to forcibly slow herself down.
Doumeki-kun is leaning casually against the post, eyes closed. She moves to stand next to him and stares up at the sky.
People begin to walk by them, a few giving them curious looks as they wait - she is sure that there will be rumors circulating all too soon about them, but she doesn’t care.
Time is running out before the bell, and she looks over at Doumeki-kun, worried. His eyes are still closed, he is still leaning, and Himawari relaxes.
Doumeki-kun would know if something is wrong, she thinks. He always knows when something is wrong.
Doumeki-kun shifts next to her and she looks at the street.
Watanuki-kun is making their way toward them, smiling.
+++
“That’s such a cute bird, Himawari-chan,” Maiko-chan says, reaching out a finger to pet Tanpopo. Tanpopo tweets appreciatively.
“A friend gave him to me,” she says, smiling.
Hana-chan frowns. “I thought you couldn’t have any pets, Himawari-chan.”
Himawari remembers the kitten her grandmother had given her, and the fish she had won at the summer festivals when she was much younger. She remembers streaks of red on gray and gold atop blue. Her smile never wavers.
“My mother said I could keep Tanpopo since he’s small,” she explains.
Hana-chan nods.
Tanpopo nudges her cheek and tweets softly in her ear.
+++
They are careful around him for the first few days, treating him as though he is made of the same glass he went careening through, though it is an unfair comparison.
Watanuki-kun brings her the pink chiffon cake, as promised, and they eat it together with Doumeki-kun watching them from the shadows. She feels torn, wanting to invite him to join them, but she also wants to keep Watanuki-kun to herself.
It is a selfish thought, and she knows that she shouldn’t be here, with him, with them, but Watanuki-kun smiles at her and Tanpopo sings on her shoulder, and she finds that she is happy.
+++
“His little finger,” she says quietly.
“It is what it is,” Doumeki-kun replies.
Himawari nods.
+++
She is hesitant to enter the shop - she knows that Watanuki-kun is not there, knows that he is with Doumeki-kun at school, watching the kyuudo tournament. She is inside the gate, standing on the walkway.
Maru-chan and Moro-chan are watching her curiously, eyes blank. They settle on her in unison and stare, and Himawari wonders if they really see her - really see her, the selfish girl under the smiles - before they smile and run to meet her.
They take her by the hand and lead her to Yuuko-san, who is sitting in a lounge chair around back, smoking her pipe and blowing the smoke lazily into the air.
“Good afternoon, Himawari-chan,” Yuuko-san says nonchalantly. There is a cup of tea beside her, and she inclines her hand toward it, offering it to Himawari.
The tea is hot and sweet, they way she likes it. She places the cup back on the saucer.
“Thank you,” she replies, knowing that Yuuko-san will know - she always knows.
They sit in silence for a while longer. The tea grows cold.
“He’ll be here soon,” Yuuko-san informs her.
Himawari nods, staring at the sakura tree and feeling a faint breeze weave through her hair.
“I cannot fix it,” Yuuko-san says, “the price is too great.”
She nods again and stands.
+++
He doesn’t allow her to distance herself anymore. Instead, he waits for her after class and if she resists, he gets Doumeki-kun, who just rolls his eyes drolly and stands on the other side of her.
It’s odd, this feeling that she is being protected by them, when, in reality, it is they who should be protected from her. But Yuuko-san allows it and smiles and wishes them well as they leave the shop together, and she begins to think that maybe, just maybe, they could continue on the way they have been.
+++
She still sees it in her dreams - the blood, the glass, his body - so she begins to sleep less.
+++
He never asks her, not outright, what she paid. She can feel his gaze on her, curious and searching, but she ignores it, careful not to squirm.
+++
The scars have settled on her - the stiffness is gone, and her skin no longer feels tight - but she still feels them, knows they’re there. They are not something that she will be able to forget; forgetting the scars somehow means forgetting him, and she did not pay this price to have him fade away, to let him disappear.
But as she watches him, she sees him fading, retreating, and withdrawing. His glasses have disappeared and his eyes are guarded.
Doumeki-kun is on edge, never straying from his side unless necessary.
She watches them, and she touches the scars to reassure herself that they are still there.
+++
It is an odd question to be asked - do you remember Yuuko-san, Himawari-chan? - because, of course the answer is yes, how do you forget someone who saved your world? But the question seems important to Watanuki-kun, so she answers.
+++
There are more shadows in his eyes, now.
She sits in the stands and watches as Doumeki-kun shoots, sees the arrow fly true to the target, but he does not look satisfied. He touches his pocket, as if reassuring herself that something is there.
It is similar to the way she massages her neck - hard, pressing fingers digging into the scars - to remind herself that everything is still all right, that he is still here, even if he isn’t with them. It has become a nervous habit, her hand against the scars, one that her classmates are beginning to pick up on.
Another arrow whistles through the air and strikes the target, and she can make out the scowl on Doumeki-kun’s face.
She looks up at the sky and wishes.
+++
She can see the surprise on his face - he has never been good at schooling his emotions - but she stands her ground.
“I can’t grant that, Himawari-chan,” he says softly, looking at the floor. “I have to wait for her.”
Himawari nods. “Then I’ll wait for you,” she says firmly. Her back is straight, the inner turmoil and hesitation she feels inside not breaking the calm surface she presents. “I won’t come back. If you want to see me, you’ll have to come to me.”
There is something so close to grief on his face that she wants to take back her words, but she doesn’t. It is his choice - Doumeki-kun has told her over and over and over - and this is hers. She stands outside the gate and watches him.
He smiles sadly.
“I’ll see you later, Watanuki-kun,” she says, and walks away.