to youkohiei_fan, from sherri & maaya ♥
Title: The Twelve Dancing Bishounen
Author: doumeki & chaineddove
Recipient: youkohiei_fan
Series: Gouhou Drug, X, xxxHOLiC, Card Captor Sakura, Clover, Angelic Layer, CLAMP Gaken Tokkei DUKLYON, Tsubasa RESERvoir CHRoNicles, Wish, Kobato [mentioned]
Characters/Pairing: Kakei/Saiga, Clow/Yuuko, Fai, Subaru, Koryuu, Nataku, Kentarou, Yukito, Ran, Kamui, Oujiro, Watanuki, Kazahaya, Maru, Moro, Sumomo, Kotoko, Fujimoto, Chii, Rikuo, Doumeki, Touya, Syaoran, Fei Wang Reed, Kurogane, Yuuto, Fuuma, Seishirou, Satsuki, Hokuto, Kohaku, Neko Musume, Suu, Kotori, Karen, Nakaru, Tamayo, Kei, Erii, Ame Warashi
Rating: PG-13
Author Notes/Warnings: This is a rewrite of the fairytale The Twelve Dancing Princesses. We hope that you enjoy it~!
Once upon a time, in the peaceful land of CLAMP-koku, where nothing traumatic or terrible ever happened, there lived a king with his twelve beautiful daughters: Kakei, Fai, Subaru, Koryuu, Nataku, Kentarou, Yukito, Ran, Kamui, Oujiro, Watanuki, and Kazahaya.
Their beauty was so stunning to behold, people flocked to the small kingdom just to be in their presence. The princesses grew more and more beautiful every day, but just as King Clow began thinking that it was time to start arranging matches for them, disaster struck. It started with a small thing - one morning a maid discovered twelve pairs of slippers with holes danced through them under the eldest daughter’s bed. When the king summoned his daughters to him and demanded an explanation, they stood, silent, staring up at him with their beautiful faces. Relenting, he had twelve new pairs of slippers made, only to discover the very next morning that these too had been destroyed.
Once again, he called his daughters before him, demanding to know why their brand new slippers had been danced to shreds. Once again, his daughters stared up at him, silent, until, once again, he relented and had twelve new pairs made.
This continued for two months before King Clow had had enough.
He summoned his servants, Maru, Moro, Chii, Sumomo, and Kotoko, and ordered them to move the princesses’ beds into the grand ballroom, as he had lost his taste for dancing.
He then summoned his metal smiths Rikuo, Doumeki, Touya, and Fujimoto and ordered them to make bars and fit them on all the windows, and make giant padlocks for the doors.
Once this was complete, he ushered his daughters into the grand ballroom, and locked them in, thinking that this would keep them from secretly leaving the castle.
To his dismay, the next morning, their newest slippers were once again torn to shreds.
At this point, he figured he needed assistance, and issued a proclamation to all the neighboring kingdoms that whoever could discover the root of the enchantment laid upon his daughters would have his choice of the princesses to wed and would be named his heir. However, should they fail, they would be put to death.
Many brave and heroic princes appeared, hoping to win the hand of one of the king’s fair daughters. They were given a cot and placed at the end of the grand ballroom for three nights in hopes that they could discover how and where the princesses were disappearing to night after night.
The first prince to show up was Prince Syaoran of Clone-koku. He did not particularly wish to wed one of the princesses, but could not just sit idly by while they were under such an enchantment.
He lasted but two nights before he gave up, and was sentenced to death.
The next was King Fei Wang from Kisama-koku. He had already been wed twice, though his wives had disappeared in an unusual manner, so the people of his country weren’t too aggrieved to hear of his failure and subsequent death.
Prince Yuuto and Prince Fuuma from Apocalypse-koku followed next in quick succession, and Princess Kamui was none too sorry to see them go. Although the princesses were quiet more often than not these days, Princess Kamui was very vocal in regards to Prince Fuuma, who, rather than sleeping in his own cot, had attempted sleeping in Princess Kamui’s bed. And drinking his wine from Princess Kamui’s body.
Prince Kurogane from Nihon-koku seemed promising, and Princess Fai seemed enamored of him, but he seemed more interested in the wine he was served before bed than discovering where the princesses were disappearing to. He spent three nights snoring on his cot in a drunken stupor before he, too, was put to death.
At this point, there was no one brave or crazy enough to die attempting the impossible, and the princesses continued to dance their nights away in an undisclosed location, waiting silently for someone to come and rescue them.
+++
In this same country, there was a soldier named Saiga. He didn’t have a first name, because he was too cool for one. He might have risen rapidly in the ranks of the army seeing as everyone was afraid of him, but he seemed more interested in seducing the new recruits, until, finally, one day, he was kicked out.
He too had heard of the princesses’ beauty and the proclamation, but it didn’t interest him enough to risk his life. Even if he had heard that the oldest one was quite a looker, and probably had some experience in satisfying a manly man.
Still, he set off in the direction of the capital with the hopes of catching one of the suckers on their way to the gallows.
On his way, he noticed an old woman sitting on the side of the road. As he got closer, he saw that the ‘old woman’ had badly applied wrinkles, a wart that was sliding down her cheek, and really big boobs. So hey, she was probably a little crazy, but the boobs were pretty nice. Hoping that he would get something out of it, he stopped and offered her a drink.
The young woman - because if she was old, Saiga wasn’t interested in sex - gratefully accepted and took a swig of his flask.
“Because you have been so kind,” she began, but Saiga cut her off.
“I’m not really kind. I just think you’ve got a nice rack,” he said. The direct approach tended to work best with the crazy ones.
“Never mind that,” she snapped, cutting him off, then started again. “Because you’ve been so kind,” she repeated, glaring, and Saiga shrugged. “I will tell you what you must do when you reach the castle.”
“I’m not going for the princesses. I’m going to watch the show at the gallows.”
“This is what you must do,” the woman continued, ignoring him. “When you are offered wine before bed, accept it.”
“Cool, free wine.”
“But do not drink it. Instead, pretend and pour it over your shoulder.”
“What a waste of wine. I bet it’s the good kind, too.”
“Listen to me,” the woman snarled. “Pretend to fall asleep immediately after. Once the princesses believe you are asleep, they will rise and dress, and you have only to follow them to find the answers you seek.”
“Lady, I really don’t ca-”
“The princesses have been placed under the enchantment of an evil witch. Each night, she draws them underground and they dance with her twelve demonic heirs. Soon, the princesses will lose their free will and become their brides. When this happens, the witch will rise from her underground kingdom and this country will be no more.”
“Sucks to be King Clow.”
“It will once she’s through with him,” the young woman said, looking rather pleased with herself.
“Lady,” Saiga said. “You got some issues. I’m telling you, I don’t care.”
“Let me put this so you understand,” the woman said. “If you marry one of the princesses, you’ll be king and get the good stuff free every night.”
“Oh,” said Saiga. “Really? Cool. I’m in.”
“Good,” said the woman. “I knew you’d see it my way. So all you have to do is bring back proof - anything from that place will do - and the spell will be broken. I‘m sure with such detailed directions even you can’t screw it up.” Then, before Saiga could try to grope the aforementioned rack, she danced back - pretty spry for an ‘old lady’ - and pulled a silvery length of fabric from her cleavage.
“Wow,” Saiga said. “That didn’t make them any smaller, either.”
She looked like she was developing a nervous tic. “This,” she said, thrusting the thing at him, “is a cloak that can make you invisible. Wear it when you follow them. You’re not exactly inconspicuous.”
+++
Saiga arrived at the capital and went straight to the castle gates. “Who goes there?” asked a guard whose nametag conveniently read, ‘Seishirou.’
“Oh. Yeah. My name is Saiga. I’m here about the princess thing.”
“The princess… thing.”
“Yeah. You know. With the dancing. I don’t have to be a prince or anything, right? Cause they don’t seem to be having much luck.”
“No, I suppose they aren’t,” Seishirou-guard said, and let him in.
That night, Saiga dined with the king and his daughters only to discover that the “daughters” were kind of flat-chested and looked more like dudes than chicks, which was a little confusing but mostly okay, since Saiga was an equal opportunity kind of guy and they were pretty hot dudes. He was seated right next to the youngest of them, who spent most of dinner twitching and dropping his fork every time Saiga looked his way.
After dinner, King Clow introduced his daughters, starting from the eldest, who gave Saiga a very promising little smile before dropping his gaze. The youngest was still twitchy and nearly fell out of his curtsy as his name was called.
“She’s usually not like this,” King Clow commented.
Saiga decided not to address the clear gender confusion going on in this family. “Totally overpowered by my manliness,” he said instead. “Hey Princess Kazahaya, when I solve this puzzle, how about you and me get hitched?”
Princess Kazahaya growled and threw a shoe at him. Princess Watanuki dragged him away, murmuring something about a simple ‘no’ sufficing. Princess Kakei might have giggled behind his fan before following.
They all trooped into the grand ballroom. A guardsman showed Saiga to his cot, which was placed modestly behind a screen, then withdrew. Saiga heard the bolt turning in the lock. He unlaced the stupid ruffled shirt they had insisted he wear to dinner and pulled it over his head. When his head reemerged, he saw Princess Kakei standing beside his cot in a white satin nightgown, holding an ornate golden goblet that smelled enticingly of spiced wine.
“You going to sleep here with me, baby?” Saiga asked, just in case. “Bet I could make it worth your while.”
“I’m sure,” Princess Kakei said, his voice low and amused. “I think not, however.”
“Eh, worth a try,” Saiga said. He took the proffered goblet and sniffed. “Good night, then.”
“Drink up.” Under the princess’ amused gaze, Saiga took a sip. It really was the good stuff. “Sleep tight.” Oh, what the hell, he decided, and drank it down in two swift gulps. Definitely excellent.
Which is why he didn’t mind too much when he woke up the next morning with a headache and not any closer to the solution than he had been yesterday.
+++
The second night was a repeat of the first, except this time Princess Kakei’s nightgown was red and had a slit practically up to his hip.
Saiga nearly swallowed his tongue, then drank the wine. Again. And woke up the next morning with a hangover. Again.
+++
The third night, he was determined not to screw up. Because sure, the wine was good and okay, Princess Kakei had really nice legs, but at the same time, Saiga didn’t particularly have a death wish, and if King Clow hadn’t hesitated to execute neighboring princes and a king, he probably wouldn’t care one way or the other about a soldier who had been kicked out of the army, even if said soldier was clearly a paragon of manhood in every way.
“Screw his,” he said to himself. “I am not drinking that wine. Even if it is good. Even if the princess shows up naked this time. No way. I’m too hot to die.”
So, when Princess Kakei arrived in a ivory lace teddy and handed him the goblet, he pretended to drink the wine, pouring it discreetly over his shoulder. He handed the empty goblet back to Princess Kakei, then fell back on his cot and started snoring.
Twenty minutes later, he heard the princesses moving around and the unmistakable sound of petticoats rustling.
“I hate wearing dresses,” Princess Watanuki griped. “Doesn’t Father know we’re boys?”
“Deal with it, Watanuki,” Princess Ran said. “You know Father hasn’t been well since Mother left.”
“Doesn’t mean we should have to suffer,” Princess Kamui chimed in. “Especially when freaks like that Prince Fuuma show up.”
“I rather like this one,” Princess Kakei said thoughtfully. “It’s a shame he’ll die in the morning.”
“Still,” Princess Kazahaya hissed. “He thinks we’re girls because Father dresses us like girls.”
“I rather like the dresses,” Princess Kentarou chirped. “They make me feel delicate. And there’s a nice breeze.”
“I agree,” Princess Fai chimed in. “Besides, don’t we look fabulous?”
“If this is what Father wants,” Princess Nataku said, “then we should do what makes him happy.”
“Besides,” Princess Yukito added, “the colors and cuts are flattering.”
“Subaru really looks like a girl, though,” Princess Oujirou said, and Saiga could hear the grin in his voice. “I wonder what color panties my dear brother is wearing?”
“Oujirou!” Princess Subaru hissed. “That’s inappropriate.”
“After all,” Princess Koryuu stage whispered, “he’s already seeing that guard. Seishirou, was it?”
“Whatever,” Princess Watanuki cut in. “Let’s just go. These heels are murder.”
There was a muffled scrape of stone against the floor, and Saiga cautiously peeked out around the screen and watched as the princesses trooped down a hole in the floor.
Just as the train of Princess Kazahaya’s dress disappeared down the hole, Saiga threw on the cape and followed after him.
He was halfway down the stairs when he stepped on Princess Kazahaya’s train, causing the youngest princess to tumble down the steps.
Princess Kazahaya shot up, turned around, and stared at him. Except, Saiga knew, Princess Kazahaya couldn’t see him, so he made some lewd gestures to pass the time.
“There’s someone following us,” Princess Kazahaya announced.
Princess Kakei turned from his place at the head of the line and said, “You’re being paranoid. There is no one there.”
“I’m telling you,” Princess Kazahaya said through clenched teeth. “Someone stepped on my skirt.”
“Maybe you just tripped,” Princess Koryuu said. “You’re always doing that anyway.”
“I am not!” Princess Kazahaya shrieked.
“You kind of are,” Princess Oujirou agreed.
“But it’s cute,” Princess Fai assured him. “So it’s okay.”
Princess Kazahaya pouted. “I hate my life.”
And they continued on.
At the bottom of the steps, they emerged into a fantastic orchard of glimmering trees. As they walked down the path, Saiga realized the trees were made of silver, and the fruit was made of diamonds.
He remembered the woman’s words of proof, and snapped off a branch. The leaves he pocketed were compensation for being denied the right to touch such glorious cleavage.
Princess Kazahaya, who had ears like a cat, Saiga decided, stopped and turned around.
“Did you hear that?” Princess Kazahaya demanded.
“Hear what?” Princess Kakei replied, once again stopping and turning.
“That! A branch! It snapped! There’s someone there!”
“Seriously, Kazahaya, there is no one there,” Princess Watanuki said calmly, placing a hand on Princess Kazahaya’s shoulder. “See?”
“But I heard something,” Princess Kazahaya muttered.
“It was probably just Kentarou stepping on a twig again,” Princess Yukito assured him.
Saiga laughed silently, and they continued on.
Soon, they came to a wide, black river where twelve gondoliers waited in twelve gondolas. The princesses each climbed into one, and Saiga decided to hitch a ride with Princess Kazahaya. The gondola sunk deeper into the water when he climbed aboard, and as they pushed off from the pier it was clear that the gondolier was struggling to keep pace with the others. “We ride low tonight,” he commented as they docked on the other side of the river.
“Something is going on!” Princess Kazahaya exclaimed, clearly on the edge of hysteria.
“Yeah, obviously you need to lay off the dessert,” Princess Ran snapped.
“HEY!”
“You won’t be cute anymore if you get fat,” Princess Koryuu chided, then laughed and took off running in the direction of the lights shining ahead.
The rest of the princesses followed, and soon they arrived at a castle.
Princess Kakei once again led the way, and they entered a glorious ballroom with glass walls.
Twelve gorgeous women in men’s jackets bowed as the princesses entered, and a woman sat in the throne at the head of the room. Apparently, this was the wicked witch.
Saiga took one look at the woman’s rack and immediately recognized her. He’d know that chest anywhere.
The princesses paired off with the women, who all had nametags. Saiga was beginning to sense a trend, though why King Clow didn’t put them on the princesses was a mystery.
Princess Kakei twirled by with a short haired woman whose nametag read ‘Satsuki.’ “He drank the wine again,” Princess Kakei said. “Poor fool.”
His partner gave him a look of mild distaste. “Human men,” she said, making it sound like a curse.
Princess Subaru danced by with a woman who was his mirror image. Her nametag read ‘Hokuto.’ She was scolding him on his dress. “Really, Subaru, yellow isn’t flattering with your complexion! I told you yesterday, you should go with green or at least purple…”
“But I’m not a demon,” Princess Koryuu’s partner was telling him tearfully. “I’m an angel! I kept telling her, but she said it didn’t really matter…”
Princess Fai and his partner twirled by in a swirl of laughter and meowing, which was a bit strange, but then, Princess Fai didn’t seem to be all there most of the time, anyway.
Princess Ran danced past with a small girl with a slight smile on her face and a nametag that read ‘Suu.’ Neither of them seemed to have much to say, but the silence didn’t seem to bother them.
The others didn’t particularly look like the victims of a terrible curse. Princess Kamui was smiling happily at a pretty, long-haired girl who was clinging to his arm. Princess Nataku’s partner, whose nametag read ‘Karen,’ was showing him a new dance step. Princess Yukito’s partner seemed to be trying to convince him of something quite vehemently, pointing to her hair and face and flailing her arms, but Princess Yukito didn’t appear to mind this odd behavior. Princess Oujirou and his partner, whose nametag read ‘Tamayo,’ twirled around the floor discussing lingerie, from what Saiga could catch of their conversation. Hell, even Princess Kazahaya was smiling at the pretty, long-haired girl he was dancing with. Saiga hadn’t known the kid knew how to smile.
Princess Kentarou’s partner was chasing him around the perimeter of the ballroom with a giant hammer. Saiga wasn’t really sure where she’d gotten it, but it was pretty impressive. “YOUR TIMING WAS OFF!” she shrieked. “YOU COULD HAVE STEPPED ON MY FOOT!” Princess Watanuki’s partner, a grumpy young woman with pigtails, whacked him on the head with an umbrella every time he missed a step, so Saiga supposed at least one or two people in the ballroom were genuinely suffering. Still, if this was a great and terrible evil, he’d eat his hat. If he had a hat.
Saiga had had enough. He whipped off the cloak, sauntered across the dance floor, and looked up at the woman. “Long time no see,” he said. “Nice rack.”
The woman looked down at him and scowled. “Can’t you follow basic instructions?”
“What’s the big deal? I got the proof, right?” He waved the tree branch in her face.
“That’s not the point!” the woman hissed. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t see you. Put. The cloak. Back. ON.”
Before he could do so, however, Princess Kazahaya screeched. “I knew it! That pervert followed us! I was right! Mother, do something!”
“Mother?” Saiga was now confused.
“Can’t you see the resemblance?” the woman asked.
Saiga looked back and forth between Princess Kazahaya and the woman. “No, not really. Gotta say I can’t.”
“Never mind.”
“Pervert!” Princess Kazahaya was still screeching, and Princess Watanuki was trying to calm him.
“If he was a pervert,” Princess Kakei interjected, “then he’d have taken advantage of the lace teddy.”
“I’m so proud of you, Kakei,” the woman grinned. “Not so much of you,” she added, looking pointedly at Saiga.
“Saiga,” Princess Kakei said, stepping forward. “This is our mother, Queen Yuuko.”
“So, your mom is the wicked witch?” He paused and thought about it for a moment. “I guess I can see it. After all, unless she’s had work done, there has to be a reason for her rack. Twelve kids would do it.”
“Eleven. I don’t remember having twelve.”
“Told you Kazahaya was adopted,” Princess Koryuu snickered.
“I am not! Father says I’m legitimate!” Princess Kazahaya cried.
“Your father,” Queen Yuuko cut in, “is a liar.”
“So you figured you’d kill him and take over his country?” Saiga asked.
“Basically,” Queen Yuuko said. “Then after a few years I got over it, only I had already started this whole damn mess and I wasn’t going to back down. Except the neighboring princes turned out to be idiots, so I had to hand the stupid thing over to you on a silver platter.” She looked at him and shook her head. “And you still managed to screw up. Maybe I should take over after all. My husband seems to be doing a pretty pathetic job of things.”
“So wait,” Saiga said. “If you’re the Queen and you’re also the wicked witch and these are supposed to be your heirs, wouldn’t that mean you’d had twenty-four children, actually?”
She glared at him. “Eleven,” she said pointedly. “Exactly. Obviously these aren’t my kids. Why would I marry them off to each other? And besides, Clow’s a moron, but he might notice twelve children going missing.” She stopped and considered. “Maybe. Anyway, I picked these up at random because they were pretty.”
“And I’m not a demon!” Princess Koryuu’s partner wailed a second time. Everyone turned to look at them. “Just so everyone knows.”
“Right,” Saiga said. “So why don’t you just go home and be done?”
“Because that would be admitting defeat,” Queen Yuuko snapped. “Now put on the damn cloak and stop talking and we’ll all pretend this never happened, or else I’ll turn you into a frog.”
“That would be a shame,” Princess Kakei purred.
Saiga sighed and put on his cloak as the music resumed.
+++
The next morning, Saiga presented the silver tree branch to King Clow and told him to have someone fix the trapdoor in his grand ballroom. “Because you know, locking them in is fine and all but maybe actually sealing off the exits might help,” Saiga pointed out. “You know. In case.”
King Clow had a very strange look on his face. “My wife had that trapdoor put in shortly before she vanished.”
“Of course she did,” Saiga said. “Just so you know, I’m not going to go find her for you, too. Maybe send flowers and alcohol and she’ll come back on her own.”
“Send them where?”
“Try down the trapdoor,” Saiga said.
“Oh. Well. Be that as it may, you have succeeded where others have failed. As promised, you will be named my heir upon your marriage to one of my charming daughters. Which would you like?”
Once again, Saiga contemplated mentioning the fact that the princesses were male. But then again, he was going to be king, and that was pretty awesome, because it meant free alcohol and lots of people to do whatever he said. Not to mention a pretty princess and the fact that he couldn’t get kicked out of the castle like he had been from the army. Probably.
He walked down the line of princesses, stopping to look into each pretty face and grinning when they started to look nervous. “Maybe I’ll have this one,” he said.
Princess Kazahaya paled and swayed on his feet.
“Then again, I’m hearing you aren’t legit, so maybe you’re a bad choice.”
“I TOLD YOU, I AM COMPLETELY-”
King Clow sighed. “My wife kept saying that. Funny, because I assume it’s fairly difficult to forget giving birth, and it’s not like I brought her home in a basket. But then, my wife could be extremely odd when the mood struck.”
“Well, whatever,” Saiga said. “I don’t think the little one could handle me, anyway.”
Princess Watanuki clamped a hand over Princess Kazahaya’s mouth before he could protest further.
“So I guess I’ll take this one instead.” Princess Kakei gave him another promising smile. “On the condition the teddy comes with, anyway.”
“I’m sure that can be arranged,” Princess Kakei said demurely, lowering his head to hide his smirk. “I’ll even let you rip it.”
“That’s that, then,” Saiga said, content to have gotten the best deal.
And they lived happily ever after (even King Clow and Queen Yuuko, who finally deigned to return home).
Author: doumeki & chaineddove
Recipient: youkohiei_fan
Series: Gouhou Drug, X, xxxHOLiC, Card Captor Sakura, Clover, Angelic Layer, CLAMP Gaken Tokkei DUKLYON, Tsubasa RESERvoir CHRoNicles, Wish, Kobato [mentioned]
Characters/Pairing: Kakei/Saiga, Clow/Yuuko, Fai, Subaru, Koryuu, Nataku, Kentarou, Yukito, Ran, Kamui, Oujiro, Watanuki, Kazahaya, Maru, Moro, Sumomo, Kotoko, Fujimoto, Chii, Rikuo, Doumeki, Touya, Syaoran, Fei Wang Reed, Kurogane, Yuuto, Fuuma, Seishirou, Satsuki, Hokuto, Kohaku, Neko Musume, Suu, Kotori, Karen, Nakaru, Tamayo, Kei, Erii, Ame Warashi
Rating: PG-13
Author Notes/Warnings: This is a rewrite of the fairytale The Twelve Dancing Princesses. We hope that you enjoy it~!
Once upon a time, in the peaceful land of CLAMP-koku, where nothing traumatic or terrible ever happened, there lived a king with his twelve beautiful daughters: Kakei, Fai, Subaru, Koryuu, Nataku, Kentarou, Yukito, Ran, Kamui, Oujiro, Watanuki, and Kazahaya.
Their beauty was so stunning to behold, people flocked to the small kingdom just to be in their presence. The princesses grew more and more beautiful every day, but just as King Clow began thinking that it was time to start arranging matches for them, disaster struck. It started with a small thing - one morning a maid discovered twelve pairs of slippers with holes danced through them under the eldest daughter’s bed. When the king summoned his daughters to him and demanded an explanation, they stood, silent, staring up at him with their beautiful faces. Relenting, he had twelve new pairs of slippers made, only to discover the very next morning that these too had been destroyed.
Once again, he called his daughters before him, demanding to know why their brand new slippers had been danced to shreds. Once again, his daughters stared up at him, silent, until, once again, he relented and had twelve new pairs made.
This continued for two months before King Clow had had enough.
He summoned his servants, Maru, Moro, Chii, Sumomo, and Kotoko, and ordered them to move the princesses’ beds into the grand ballroom, as he had lost his taste for dancing.
He then summoned his metal smiths Rikuo, Doumeki, Touya, and Fujimoto and ordered them to make bars and fit them on all the windows, and make giant padlocks for the doors.
Once this was complete, he ushered his daughters into the grand ballroom, and locked them in, thinking that this would keep them from secretly leaving the castle.
To his dismay, the next morning, their newest slippers were once again torn to shreds.
At this point, he figured he needed assistance, and issued a proclamation to all the neighboring kingdoms that whoever could discover the root of the enchantment laid upon his daughters would have his choice of the princesses to wed and would be named his heir. However, should they fail, they would be put to death.
Many brave and heroic princes appeared, hoping to win the hand of one of the king’s fair daughters. They were given a cot and placed at the end of the grand ballroom for three nights in hopes that they could discover how and where the princesses were disappearing to night after night.
The first prince to show up was Prince Syaoran of Clone-koku. He did not particularly wish to wed one of the princesses, but could not just sit idly by while they were under such an enchantment.
He lasted but two nights before he gave up, and was sentenced to death.
The next was King Fei Wang from Kisama-koku. He had already been wed twice, though his wives had disappeared in an unusual manner, so the people of his country weren’t too aggrieved to hear of his failure and subsequent death.
Prince Yuuto and Prince Fuuma from Apocalypse-koku followed next in quick succession, and Princess Kamui was none too sorry to see them go. Although the princesses were quiet more often than not these days, Princess Kamui was very vocal in regards to Prince Fuuma, who, rather than sleeping in his own cot, had attempted sleeping in Princess Kamui’s bed. And drinking his wine from Princess Kamui’s body.
Prince Kurogane from Nihon-koku seemed promising, and Princess Fai seemed enamored of him, but he seemed more interested in the wine he was served before bed than discovering where the princesses were disappearing to. He spent three nights snoring on his cot in a drunken stupor before he, too, was put to death.
At this point, there was no one brave or crazy enough to die attempting the impossible, and the princesses continued to dance their nights away in an undisclosed location, waiting silently for someone to come and rescue them.
+++
In this same country, there was a soldier named Saiga. He didn’t have a first name, because he was too cool for one. He might have risen rapidly in the ranks of the army seeing as everyone was afraid of him, but he seemed more interested in seducing the new recruits, until, finally, one day, he was kicked out.
He too had heard of the princesses’ beauty and the proclamation, but it didn’t interest him enough to risk his life. Even if he had heard that the oldest one was quite a looker, and probably had some experience in satisfying a manly man.
Still, he set off in the direction of the capital with the hopes of catching one of the suckers on their way to the gallows.
On his way, he noticed an old woman sitting on the side of the road. As he got closer, he saw that the ‘old woman’ had badly applied wrinkles, a wart that was sliding down her cheek, and really big boobs. So hey, she was probably a little crazy, but the boobs were pretty nice. Hoping that he would get something out of it, he stopped and offered her a drink.
The young woman - because if she was old, Saiga wasn’t interested in sex - gratefully accepted and took a swig of his flask.
“Because you have been so kind,” she began, but Saiga cut her off.
“I’m not really kind. I just think you’ve got a nice rack,” he said. The direct approach tended to work best with the crazy ones.
“Never mind that,” she snapped, cutting him off, then started again. “Because you’ve been so kind,” she repeated, glaring, and Saiga shrugged. “I will tell you what you must do when you reach the castle.”
“I’m not going for the princesses. I’m going to watch the show at the gallows.”
“This is what you must do,” the woman continued, ignoring him. “When you are offered wine before bed, accept it.”
“Cool, free wine.”
“But do not drink it. Instead, pretend and pour it over your shoulder.”
“What a waste of wine. I bet it’s the good kind, too.”
“Listen to me,” the woman snarled. “Pretend to fall asleep immediately after. Once the princesses believe you are asleep, they will rise and dress, and you have only to follow them to find the answers you seek.”
“Lady, I really don’t ca-”
“The princesses have been placed under the enchantment of an evil witch. Each night, she draws them underground and they dance with her twelve demonic heirs. Soon, the princesses will lose their free will and become their brides. When this happens, the witch will rise from her underground kingdom and this country will be no more.”
“Sucks to be King Clow.”
“It will once she’s through with him,” the young woman said, looking rather pleased with herself.
“Lady,” Saiga said. “You got some issues. I’m telling you, I don’t care.”
“Let me put this so you understand,” the woman said. “If you marry one of the princesses, you’ll be king and get the good stuff free every night.”
“Oh,” said Saiga. “Really? Cool. I’m in.”
“Good,” said the woman. “I knew you’d see it my way. So all you have to do is bring back proof - anything from that place will do - and the spell will be broken. I‘m sure with such detailed directions even you can’t screw it up.” Then, before Saiga could try to grope the aforementioned rack, she danced back - pretty spry for an ‘old lady’ - and pulled a silvery length of fabric from her cleavage.
“Wow,” Saiga said. “That didn’t make them any smaller, either.”
She looked like she was developing a nervous tic. “This,” she said, thrusting the thing at him, “is a cloak that can make you invisible. Wear it when you follow them. You’re not exactly inconspicuous.”
+++
Saiga arrived at the capital and went straight to the castle gates. “Who goes there?” asked a guard whose nametag conveniently read, ‘Seishirou.’
“Oh. Yeah. My name is Saiga. I’m here about the princess thing.”
“The princess… thing.”
“Yeah. You know. With the dancing. I don’t have to be a prince or anything, right? Cause they don’t seem to be having much luck.”
“No, I suppose they aren’t,” Seishirou-guard said, and let him in.
That night, Saiga dined with the king and his daughters only to discover that the “daughters” were kind of flat-chested and looked more like dudes than chicks, which was a little confusing but mostly okay, since Saiga was an equal opportunity kind of guy and they were pretty hot dudes. He was seated right next to the youngest of them, who spent most of dinner twitching and dropping his fork every time Saiga looked his way.
After dinner, King Clow introduced his daughters, starting from the eldest, who gave Saiga a very promising little smile before dropping his gaze. The youngest was still twitchy and nearly fell out of his curtsy as his name was called.
“She’s usually not like this,” King Clow commented.
Saiga decided not to address the clear gender confusion going on in this family. “Totally overpowered by my manliness,” he said instead. “Hey Princess Kazahaya, when I solve this puzzle, how about you and me get hitched?”
Princess Kazahaya growled and threw a shoe at him. Princess Watanuki dragged him away, murmuring something about a simple ‘no’ sufficing. Princess Kakei might have giggled behind his fan before following.
They all trooped into the grand ballroom. A guardsman showed Saiga to his cot, which was placed modestly behind a screen, then withdrew. Saiga heard the bolt turning in the lock. He unlaced the stupid ruffled shirt they had insisted he wear to dinner and pulled it over his head. When his head reemerged, he saw Princess Kakei standing beside his cot in a white satin nightgown, holding an ornate golden goblet that smelled enticingly of spiced wine.
“You going to sleep here with me, baby?” Saiga asked, just in case. “Bet I could make it worth your while.”
“I’m sure,” Princess Kakei said, his voice low and amused. “I think not, however.”
“Eh, worth a try,” Saiga said. He took the proffered goblet and sniffed. “Good night, then.”
“Drink up.” Under the princess’ amused gaze, Saiga took a sip. It really was the good stuff. “Sleep tight.” Oh, what the hell, he decided, and drank it down in two swift gulps. Definitely excellent.
Which is why he didn’t mind too much when he woke up the next morning with a headache and not any closer to the solution than he had been yesterday.
+++
The second night was a repeat of the first, except this time Princess Kakei’s nightgown was red and had a slit practically up to his hip.
Saiga nearly swallowed his tongue, then drank the wine. Again. And woke up the next morning with a hangover. Again.
+++
The third night, he was determined not to screw up. Because sure, the wine was good and okay, Princess Kakei had really nice legs, but at the same time, Saiga didn’t particularly have a death wish, and if King Clow hadn’t hesitated to execute neighboring princes and a king, he probably wouldn’t care one way or the other about a soldier who had been kicked out of the army, even if said soldier was clearly a paragon of manhood in every way.
“Screw his,” he said to himself. “I am not drinking that wine. Even if it is good. Even if the princess shows up naked this time. No way. I’m too hot to die.”
So, when Princess Kakei arrived in a ivory lace teddy and handed him the goblet, he pretended to drink the wine, pouring it discreetly over his shoulder. He handed the empty goblet back to Princess Kakei, then fell back on his cot and started snoring.
Twenty minutes later, he heard the princesses moving around and the unmistakable sound of petticoats rustling.
“I hate wearing dresses,” Princess Watanuki griped. “Doesn’t Father know we’re boys?”
“Deal with it, Watanuki,” Princess Ran said. “You know Father hasn’t been well since Mother left.”
“Doesn’t mean we should have to suffer,” Princess Kamui chimed in. “Especially when freaks like that Prince Fuuma show up.”
“I rather like this one,” Princess Kakei said thoughtfully. “It’s a shame he’ll die in the morning.”
“Still,” Princess Kazahaya hissed. “He thinks we’re girls because Father dresses us like girls.”
“I rather like the dresses,” Princess Kentarou chirped. “They make me feel delicate. And there’s a nice breeze.”
“I agree,” Princess Fai chimed in. “Besides, don’t we look fabulous?”
“If this is what Father wants,” Princess Nataku said, “then we should do what makes him happy.”
“Besides,” Princess Yukito added, “the colors and cuts are flattering.”
“Subaru really looks like a girl, though,” Princess Oujirou said, and Saiga could hear the grin in his voice. “I wonder what color panties my dear brother is wearing?”
“Oujirou!” Princess Subaru hissed. “That’s inappropriate.”
“After all,” Princess Koryuu stage whispered, “he’s already seeing that guard. Seishirou, was it?”
“Whatever,” Princess Watanuki cut in. “Let’s just go. These heels are murder.”
There was a muffled scrape of stone against the floor, and Saiga cautiously peeked out around the screen and watched as the princesses trooped down a hole in the floor.
Just as the train of Princess Kazahaya’s dress disappeared down the hole, Saiga threw on the cape and followed after him.
He was halfway down the stairs when he stepped on Princess Kazahaya’s train, causing the youngest princess to tumble down the steps.
Princess Kazahaya shot up, turned around, and stared at him. Except, Saiga knew, Princess Kazahaya couldn’t see him, so he made some lewd gestures to pass the time.
“There’s someone following us,” Princess Kazahaya announced.
Princess Kakei turned from his place at the head of the line and said, “You’re being paranoid. There is no one there.”
“I’m telling you,” Princess Kazahaya said through clenched teeth. “Someone stepped on my skirt.”
“Maybe you just tripped,” Princess Koryuu said. “You’re always doing that anyway.”
“I am not!” Princess Kazahaya shrieked.
“You kind of are,” Princess Oujirou agreed.
“But it’s cute,” Princess Fai assured him. “So it’s okay.”
Princess Kazahaya pouted. “I hate my life.”
And they continued on.
At the bottom of the steps, they emerged into a fantastic orchard of glimmering trees. As they walked down the path, Saiga realized the trees were made of silver, and the fruit was made of diamonds.
He remembered the woman’s words of proof, and snapped off a branch. The leaves he pocketed were compensation for being denied the right to touch such glorious cleavage.
Princess Kazahaya, who had ears like a cat, Saiga decided, stopped and turned around.
“Did you hear that?” Princess Kazahaya demanded.
“Hear what?” Princess Kakei replied, once again stopping and turning.
“That! A branch! It snapped! There’s someone there!”
“Seriously, Kazahaya, there is no one there,” Princess Watanuki said calmly, placing a hand on Princess Kazahaya’s shoulder. “See?”
“But I heard something,” Princess Kazahaya muttered.
“It was probably just Kentarou stepping on a twig again,” Princess Yukito assured him.
Saiga laughed silently, and they continued on.
Soon, they came to a wide, black river where twelve gondoliers waited in twelve gondolas. The princesses each climbed into one, and Saiga decided to hitch a ride with Princess Kazahaya. The gondola sunk deeper into the water when he climbed aboard, and as they pushed off from the pier it was clear that the gondolier was struggling to keep pace with the others. “We ride low tonight,” he commented as they docked on the other side of the river.
“Something is going on!” Princess Kazahaya exclaimed, clearly on the edge of hysteria.
“Yeah, obviously you need to lay off the dessert,” Princess Ran snapped.
“HEY!”
“You won’t be cute anymore if you get fat,” Princess Koryuu chided, then laughed and took off running in the direction of the lights shining ahead.
The rest of the princesses followed, and soon they arrived at a castle.
Princess Kakei once again led the way, and they entered a glorious ballroom with glass walls.
Twelve gorgeous women in men’s jackets bowed as the princesses entered, and a woman sat in the throne at the head of the room. Apparently, this was the wicked witch.
Saiga took one look at the woman’s rack and immediately recognized her. He’d know that chest anywhere.
The princesses paired off with the women, who all had nametags. Saiga was beginning to sense a trend, though why King Clow didn’t put them on the princesses was a mystery.
Princess Kakei twirled by with a short haired woman whose nametag read ‘Satsuki.’ “He drank the wine again,” Princess Kakei said. “Poor fool.”
His partner gave him a look of mild distaste. “Human men,” she said, making it sound like a curse.
Princess Subaru danced by with a woman who was his mirror image. Her nametag read ‘Hokuto.’ She was scolding him on his dress. “Really, Subaru, yellow isn’t flattering with your complexion! I told you yesterday, you should go with green or at least purple…”
“But I’m not a demon,” Princess Koryuu’s partner was telling him tearfully. “I’m an angel! I kept telling her, but she said it didn’t really matter…”
Princess Fai and his partner twirled by in a swirl of laughter and meowing, which was a bit strange, but then, Princess Fai didn’t seem to be all there most of the time, anyway.
Princess Ran danced past with a small girl with a slight smile on her face and a nametag that read ‘Suu.’ Neither of them seemed to have much to say, but the silence didn’t seem to bother them.
The others didn’t particularly look like the victims of a terrible curse. Princess Kamui was smiling happily at a pretty, long-haired girl who was clinging to his arm. Princess Nataku’s partner, whose nametag read ‘Karen,’ was showing him a new dance step. Princess Yukito’s partner seemed to be trying to convince him of something quite vehemently, pointing to her hair and face and flailing her arms, but Princess Yukito didn’t appear to mind this odd behavior. Princess Oujirou and his partner, whose nametag read ‘Tamayo,’ twirled around the floor discussing lingerie, from what Saiga could catch of their conversation. Hell, even Princess Kazahaya was smiling at the pretty, long-haired girl he was dancing with. Saiga hadn’t known the kid knew how to smile.
Princess Kentarou’s partner was chasing him around the perimeter of the ballroom with a giant hammer. Saiga wasn’t really sure where she’d gotten it, but it was pretty impressive. “YOUR TIMING WAS OFF!” she shrieked. “YOU COULD HAVE STEPPED ON MY FOOT!” Princess Watanuki’s partner, a grumpy young woman with pigtails, whacked him on the head with an umbrella every time he missed a step, so Saiga supposed at least one or two people in the ballroom were genuinely suffering. Still, if this was a great and terrible evil, he’d eat his hat. If he had a hat.
Saiga had had enough. He whipped off the cloak, sauntered across the dance floor, and looked up at the woman. “Long time no see,” he said. “Nice rack.”
The woman looked down at him and scowled. “Can’t you follow basic instructions?”
“What’s the big deal? I got the proof, right?” He waved the tree branch in her face.
“That’s not the point!” the woman hissed. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t see you. Put. The cloak. Back. ON.”
Before he could do so, however, Princess Kazahaya screeched. “I knew it! That pervert followed us! I was right! Mother, do something!”
“Mother?” Saiga was now confused.
“Can’t you see the resemblance?” the woman asked.
Saiga looked back and forth between Princess Kazahaya and the woman. “No, not really. Gotta say I can’t.”
“Never mind.”
“Pervert!” Princess Kazahaya was still screeching, and Princess Watanuki was trying to calm him.
“If he was a pervert,” Princess Kakei interjected, “then he’d have taken advantage of the lace teddy.”
“I’m so proud of you, Kakei,” the woman grinned. “Not so much of you,” she added, looking pointedly at Saiga.
“Saiga,” Princess Kakei said, stepping forward. “This is our mother, Queen Yuuko.”
“So, your mom is the wicked witch?” He paused and thought about it for a moment. “I guess I can see it. After all, unless she’s had work done, there has to be a reason for her rack. Twelve kids would do it.”
“Eleven. I don’t remember having twelve.”
“Told you Kazahaya was adopted,” Princess Koryuu snickered.
“I am not! Father says I’m legitimate!” Princess Kazahaya cried.
“Your father,” Queen Yuuko cut in, “is a liar.”
“So you figured you’d kill him and take over his country?” Saiga asked.
“Basically,” Queen Yuuko said. “Then after a few years I got over it, only I had already started this whole damn mess and I wasn’t going to back down. Except the neighboring princes turned out to be idiots, so I had to hand the stupid thing over to you on a silver platter.” She looked at him and shook her head. “And you still managed to screw up. Maybe I should take over after all. My husband seems to be doing a pretty pathetic job of things.”
“So wait,” Saiga said. “If you’re the Queen and you’re also the wicked witch and these are supposed to be your heirs, wouldn’t that mean you’d had twenty-four children, actually?”
She glared at him. “Eleven,” she said pointedly. “Exactly. Obviously these aren’t my kids. Why would I marry them off to each other? And besides, Clow’s a moron, but he might notice twelve children going missing.” She stopped and considered. “Maybe. Anyway, I picked these up at random because they were pretty.”
“And I’m not a demon!” Princess Koryuu’s partner wailed a second time. Everyone turned to look at them. “Just so everyone knows.”
“Right,” Saiga said. “So why don’t you just go home and be done?”
“Because that would be admitting defeat,” Queen Yuuko snapped. “Now put on the damn cloak and stop talking and we’ll all pretend this never happened, or else I’ll turn you into a frog.”
“That would be a shame,” Princess Kakei purred.
Saiga sighed and put on his cloak as the music resumed.
+++
The next morning, Saiga presented the silver tree branch to King Clow and told him to have someone fix the trapdoor in his grand ballroom. “Because you know, locking them in is fine and all but maybe actually sealing off the exits might help,” Saiga pointed out. “You know. In case.”
King Clow had a very strange look on his face. “My wife had that trapdoor put in shortly before she vanished.”
“Of course she did,” Saiga said. “Just so you know, I’m not going to go find her for you, too. Maybe send flowers and alcohol and she’ll come back on her own.”
“Send them where?”
“Try down the trapdoor,” Saiga said.
“Oh. Well. Be that as it may, you have succeeded where others have failed. As promised, you will be named my heir upon your marriage to one of my charming daughters. Which would you like?”
Once again, Saiga contemplated mentioning the fact that the princesses were male. But then again, he was going to be king, and that was pretty awesome, because it meant free alcohol and lots of people to do whatever he said. Not to mention a pretty princess and the fact that he couldn’t get kicked out of the castle like he had been from the army. Probably.
He walked down the line of princesses, stopping to look into each pretty face and grinning when they started to look nervous. “Maybe I’ll have this one,” he said.
Princess Kazahaya paled and swayed on his feet.
“Then again, I’m hearing you aren’t legit, so maybe you’re a bad choice.”
“I TOLD YOU, I AM COMPLETELY-”
King Clow sighed. “My wife kept saying that. Funny, because I assume it’s fairly difficult to forget giving birth, and it’s not like I brought her home in a basket. But then, my wife could be extremely odd when the mood struck.”
“Well, whatever,” Saiga said. “I don’t think the little one could handle me, anyway.”
Princess Watanuki clamped a hand over Princess Kazahaya’s mouth before he could protest further.
“So I guess I’ll take this one instead.” Princess Kakei gave him another promising smile. “On the condition the teddy comes with, anyway.”
“I’m sure that can be arranged,” Princess Kakei said demurely, lowering his head to hide his smirk. “I’ll even let you rip it.”
“That’s that, then,” Saiga said, content to have gotten the best deal.
And they lived happily ever after (even King Clow and Queen Yuuko, who finally deigned to return home).