To Vintage Parasol, From Shadow Piper ♥

[stillskies]

Title: Something Unexpected
Author: shadow_piper
Recipient: vintageparasol
Series: xxxHolic
Characters/Pairing: DouWata
Rating: PG13 for swearing and some blood.
Author Notes/Warnings: Spoiler (ish) for recent chapters. Sorry this is coming in so late. And sorry to the recipient. I tried very hard to write a DoumekixWantanuki worthy of the challenge. I’m afraid its not my

Comments

[iambickilometer]

This was interesting. At first I wasn't quite sure where it was going, but I loved the setup at the end and the fact that you dealt with the concept of the dream. I liked your characteristic of Doumeki as one who prefers a routine. I think it's an excellent point, and not something I see spoken of outright in much Holic fanfic.

Now, I realise that this was not meant to be a funny fic, but two lines in particular forced me to stop reading due to intense laughter. As follows:

The smaller boy drew danger to him like a cheesecake might draw weight-watchers.

It was like going to the supermarket without the 90’s pop music in the background.

But, very nice story. :D The only thing that really seemed off was your use of slang in descriptions. Slang, swearwords - that's all right if you're writing in a more intimate POV, but from an omniscient third person it seems...attempted. Like it doesn't fit. And using it throws off the flow of a very good story.

[shadow_piper]

Thank you.
And thank you again for the advice. That's an interesting point, one that I haven't thought about before. And I think you're right. It's weird coming from 3rd person omnicient view.