imperatif
A declaration in parallel pale:
I don't intend harm, I don't intend hurt, I don't intend... pain. To myself, to anyone. It should be easy, but it isn't. It's always a question of harm or harm, hurt or hurt, pain or pain. Which is more important, qualitative or quantitative, which is to be weighed more? I have to decide between the two, I have to attach values, and... I try to make things right, as right as they can be, and... they aren't, but I'm trying, and it's so hard but I have to try, that struggle, it has to be there or it's all something and it's not.
If I hurt you. Any of you. Anyone, everyone. I don't mean it. I don't... I'm trying. I'm trying and it hurts so much, but I'm.... You have to understand this if nothing else about me is that I'm struggling against what's here in this world of yours and in this world of mind. I struggle. And that's.... all I can do. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I don't want to be this... darkness that I am. I don't, I want to be... a flat thing, but I'm...
Please, just... when I hurt you, any of you, for any reason, intentionally or unintentionally, intensely or dully, remember this, what I am saying, what I have said, and... in comparison to everything else, I try to do right, I do. Remember this. Put it... I don't know. Put it in the memories here, or just in your memory, or put it on a file somewhere, or write it down, but don't forget it. You who know me, it's really just... inevitable that there's going to be some thing, some time, some... word or action or lack of that's going to hurt. Please, please remember this then. I'm trying to do right, I really am, and if I'm... if I do things you don't understand, say things, then... it's me. I'm trying to be human, I'm trying to make something right in my life or in someone else's life or just.... this fucked up world we live in where there's so much and so few even speak, I'm trying to do right, I'm trying to speak, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying so fucking hard and it so often comes to naught but I have to try. Just... please. Understand that.