Late-night ramble.

[dilph]

Today has been a good day. Life has gone full circle, or so it seems. This time last year I was destroyed, devastated, attempting frantically to rebuild a relationship that now - though older and wiser eyes - I know to have been doomed from the beginning from my own immaturity. This time last year I attended Riverfire, a fireworks spectacular, lost and alone in the company of my own mind, wishing desperately to share the moment with the girl I yearned for. This year... today has been a very good day. Woke up late, sorted out washing and assorted bits and pieces, and rolled on over to visit the crew, for the self-same fireworks spectacular. Arrived, and found Ant cookin' up a storm while Stephen did assorted cleaning stuff, and another dude curled up on the couch in throes of migraine. Found out later this was Sylvester; an old friend of Snowy's, who is in town for a couple of weeks. Seems to have hit it off quite well with Ant, as well, which has driven Stephen to sup deeply of the cup of bitterness. Anyways, we munched upon Ant's fine victuals, and cruised off to watch fireworks from a reasonably local high spot. Well worth the effort; brought a smile to my face. And I realised then that things have gone full circle. It's taken a year, but things are finally the way they should be. Last year I was empty and yearning; this time I spent hours in conversation before the event. Last year I was conscious only of the emptiness by my side; this year I had a comrade to joke with. Admittedly, said comrade isn't all I desired in years past; but I've learnt from that, I think, and despite the fact that I was only there because I invited myself, and that she was clearly there with another... it was a comfort, to have her by my side. To share little jokes, and generally be the friends we once were. Took a year of waiting and self-reflection, of awkward silences and false starts, purposeful avoidance and general lack of effort... but it's back. And I am content. I hold no recriminations for the way things were; my sole regret, now, is that it took me so long to deal with my issues, that only now am I able to face up to the people involved and be a friend, instead of cudgeling myself with memories. After the fireworks, we returned home, all five of us, and chilled on the couches... talking, laughing, joking about everything. The family is complete once more. I am no longer on my self imposed exile, and finally feel welcome again... We shared dirty jokes, wrestled, talked... life philosophies and gutter humour, seamlessly intermingled. God I have missed this. Makes me wonder at how much I've put myself through in the meantime... a rant I intended on posting but never quite wrote focused on her birthday. Last year, it was a time of great joy for me... she had yet to journey to this far coast, and my hopes and dreams had only just begun to unfold. The future was a bright and perfect place, and the day held immense significance to me... I spent days searching for the perfect gift, and eventually, she received Mr. Furlin... a cuddly little bear with a pendant about his neck. And, of course, a couple of joke-gifts (baby rusks, because she always gnawed on things, among others...) but it was an Important Date. This year... I missed it completely. I was so far out of the loop, so self-obsessed, that I only found out about it after the event. I was quite shattered to realise that something that had once held so much meaning, been so precious to me, now was so trivial as to be forgotten... made me realise how far I'd fallen. I think then was when I began to realise that I needed to arrest the fall, make some subtle steps towards reconciliation... more with my own mind than with her, because my isolation was self-determined and self-enforced. Seems that effort paid off, even though it was a subtle, almost unconscious thing... perhaps I read too much into it. Perhaps the time was just right for it, and things happened. Now... well, I believe now, that if I had a second chance at the relationship, I'd get it right; that I've cured, or at least taken some steps toward fulfilling the potential that I had, that she saw. Maybe this is self-delusion; perhaps I'd fuck it up just as badly the second time around. I doubt I'll ever find out, at least not with her... but the lessons learnt will, I hope, save me from making the same mistakes with the next girl foolish enough to care for me. And I still have a friend in her... one who knows me well enough to turn around in mid-conversation, and tell me that I'm in ramble-mode... before I've even realised myself. One who still prompts me to go on voyages of self-discovery within the seas of my psyche; to plumb the depths of my soul. What more could a man wish for, if not that? Well, that and a headjob, but hey... as the quote goes (badly butchered and half-remembered) 'If I have the choice between a good mind and good head, I take the mind every time. You can get good head on any street corner... mind is much rarer.' I really need to track down the exact wording... a Robin Williams line, if my memory has not totally betrayed me. And while I have never been faced with that choice, I'd like to believe I'd choose as he advises. Time will tell...

It's quite interesting, now, watching Stephen go through the same pangs of loss I once did. To watch him suffer, and see how he copes. At one time, while I did not desire it, it would have brought me a perverse sense of satisfaction. Now... nothing. I fight the urge to say 'now you know how I felt'... but there's no venom in it. I want to say it because I feel I should, not because I have any real desire to say it... instead, I try to impart on him the lessons I learnt the hard way, try to steer him past those rapids that so nearly foundered my own mind. I have mixed success; while he acknowledges the wisdom of my words, it is his own psyche that is his own worst enemy... and that, I fear, will destroy him, or at least the last shreds of friendship with Anthea. His bitterness is amazing; true, he lost far more than I. But now everything is aimed at him; if he's excluded from anything in her life he feels begrudged, excluded, left out. Even such things as he was left out of before and during the relationship now bring him pain... when nothing has changed. Almost as if now he feels he should be entitled to even more access to her life... that she has no secrets, or should not. I hope he learns to get past that... but knowing him as I do, I very much fear that it will never happen. My fingers are crossed, and I shall do all I can. Let us hope that is enough... for I do not wish upon him the hell of my own making that I have endured.

Let him find a fresh start and a new beginning... for the past is nothing but ashes and memories, and shall never be more.