Sleepless, bored, depressed... insert rant here.
Well, this one's been brewing for quite a while... every time it almost congeals enough in my head to be put to paper though, I get myself distracted by something... of late, Neverwinter Nights. Oh dear god does that game kick ass. It's like, everything I want out of a game, and then some. But anyways, that ain't what I wanted to talk 'bout. Well, ok, it is, but later, mkay?
I've come to a few realisations about myself of late. Hell, seems to be all I do, at times... just when I think I've got it all figured out, I round another corner, and see the immense scope of that which I Do Not Know. This one is kinda prompted by Whyrl; he mentioned a little while back that everyone he knew seemed almost Shakespearian, with huge and obvious character flaws. Needless to say, I started looking at myself on that one; and came to the conclusion that my flaw isn't my vast laziness, as I've always assumed... although it's a fairly serious flaw in it's own right. Nor is it my constant self-depreciation, or my gutter-mindedness, or any of the rest of my myriad failings. My big flaw is a complete and utter lack of ambition, drive, passion... call it what you will. I have almost no foresight, no plans, no anything. I live day to day, or week to week, with nary a thought of what the morrow will bring. I take what opportunities that fall directly into my lap, and involve no real effort to pursue - university, for instance. It was always taken for granted I'd be going to uni; so when grade twelve finished, I just followed the path of least resistance, and signed up for a course. Not in anything I had any real desire to do; just a direct follow-on from my best subject in school (agriculture/animal husbandry - and yes, I've heard all the jokes). Just fell into that, and drifted along my merry way. My romantic life has thus far been the same; I say I want a girl in my life, but have never made any effort to make it a reality. And those few who do end up falling in my lap move on soon thereafter due to my lack of effort. The job I have is a prime example - I'm a fucking genius. I could be anything I wanted to be. Unlimited freaking potential. And what do I do with it? Take the first thing that drifts across my path (My uncle's subway store) and follow it. No ambition required. And I'll likely stay here (at the store I signed up with when I got back from melbourne) until forced to leave. Then I'll drift into something else. But it's such a fucking /waste/! I run into friends at work, and feel obligated to make excuses for what I do. "I'm still at uni, yeah. Just here till I graduate". I'm twenty-one years old. I could do anything. Hell, I could have /graduated/ by now, and be doing something I could be proud of. Instead, I'm slaving away for minimum wage, and will likely stay that way for the forseeable future. Because I can't be bothered doing anything about it. And it's the only thing in my life that I can have even a glimmer of pride in. I have my minimum-wage job, and I do reasonably well at it. I turn up early and stay late, I put in the extra yards when I can... I have a work ethic, it seems. But that's the only glimmer of light I have. What else do I do with myself? I game. The ultimate geekish no-life hobby. Again, where is the concrete value in that? So I can break a rule system as easily as breathing. What'll that ever get me, asides from a reputation as a rules-lawyer and munchkin in the narrow circles of the hobby? I have some friends; and they are good ones. But again, no effort involved... I might see them every second day; I might see them every second year. Hardly something to be proud of. I have the knack of solving other peoples problems, at times; helping out those of my friends in need. Perhaps a talent worth cultivating and pursuing; but again, I've never bothered. And this trend continues in every facet of my life... there is nothing, no one single thing, I can point to and say I am proud of, that I am doing right, that I am living up to my potential at... nothing at all. And that irks me. I have no excuse anymore to hide behind.. not that I ever did. But at least when I was a student, I knew my place in the world, I had a future (if I could be bothered getting it), I had some semblance of status, and I didn't have to make excuses to everyone about the way I lived my life. I had an /identity/. Now... for fuck's sake, even some of my co-workers have commented. They're all there as a stepping stone to bigger and better things, looking down on me... after all, I'm just another no-hoper, the dregs of society, cursed by my own apathy... and even now I know that, that I've pinpointed the whys and hows... nothing will change. Not a thing. Sure, I'll bitch and moan, gripe about how much I suck, how I should really do something... but I never will. Been there, never got around to trying that.
Just some days I look back on it all... all the opportunities I squandered, all the potential I've pissed up against the wall, and I can't help but to cry a little, inside... mourning the loss of what I could have been. If only I had that spark, that desire to prove myself. So much wasted. If only...
Had a bunch of other stuff to write, about job politics and family hassles and the like, not to mention a huge chunk of 'why neverwinter rocks my world'... but later. I just ain't in the mood for that stuff now.
I've come to a few realisations about myself of late. Hell, seems to be all I do, at times... just when I think I've got it all figured out, I round another corner, and see the immense scope of that which I Do Not Know. This one is kinda prompted by Whyrl; he mentioned a little while back that everyone he knew seemed almost Shakespearian, with huge and obvious character flaws. Needless to say, I started looking at myself on that one; and came to the conclusion that my flaw isn't my vast laziness, as I've always assumed... although it's a fairly serious flaw in it's own right. Nor is it my constant self-depreciation, or my gutter-mindedness, or any of the rest of my myriad failings. My big flaw is a complete and utter lack of ambition, drive, passion... call it what you will. I have almost no foresight, no plans, no anything. I live day to day, or week to week, with nary a thought of what the morrow will bring. I take what opportunities that fall directly into my lap, and involve no real effort to pursue - university, for instance. It was always taken for granted I'd be going to uni; so when grade twelve finished, I just followed the path of least resistance, and signed up for a course. Not in anything I had any real desire to do; just a direct follow-on from my best subject in school (agriculture/animal husbandry - and yes, I've heard all the jokes). Just fell into that, and drifted along my merry way. My romantic life has thus far been the same; I say I want a girl in my life, but have never made any effort to make it a reality. And those few who do end up falling in my lap move on soon thereafter due to my lack of effort. The job I have is a prime example - I'm a fucking genius. I could be anything I wanted to be. Unlimited freaking potential. And what do I do with it? Take the first thing that drifts across my path (My uncle's subway store) and follow it. No ambition required. And I'll likely stay here (at the store I signed up with when I got back from melbourne) until forced to leave. Then I'll drift into something else. But it's such a fucking /waste/! I run into friends at work, and feel obligated to make excuses for what I do. "I'm still at uni, yeah. Just here till I graduate". I'm twenty-one years old. I could do anything. Hell, I could have /graduated/ by now, and be doing something I could be proud of. Instead, I'm slaving away for minimum wage, and will likely stay that way for the forseeable future. Because I can't be bothered doing anything about it. And it's the only thing in my life that I can have even a glimmer of pride in. I have my minimum-wage job, and I do reasonably well at it. I turn up early and stay late, I put in the extra yards when I can... I have a work ethic, it seems. But that's the only glimmer of light I have. What else do I do with myself? I game. The ultimate geekish no-life hobby. Again, where is the concrete value in that? So I can break a rule system as easily as breathing. What'll that ever get me, asides from a reputation as a rules-lawyer and munchkin in the narrow circles of the hobby? I have some friends; and they are good ones. But again, no effort involved... I might see them every second day; I might see them every second year. Hardly something to be proud of. I have the knack of solving other peoples problems, at times; helping out those of my friends in need. Perhaps a talent worth cultivating and pursuing; but again, I've never bothered. And this trend continues in every facet of my life... there is nothing, no one single thing, I can point to and say I am proud of, that I am doing right, that I am living up to my potential at... nothing at all. And that irks me. I have no excuse anymore to hide behind.. not that I ever did. But at least when I was a student, I knew my place in the world, I had a future (if I could be bothered getting it), I had some semblance of status, and I didn't have to make excuses to everyone about the way I lived my life. I had an /identity/. Now... for fuck's sake, even some of my co-workers have commented. They're all there as a stepping stone to bigger and better things, looking down on me... after all, I'm just another no-hoper, the dregs of society, cursed by my own apathy... and even now I know that, that I've pinpointed the whys and hows... nothing will change. Not a thing. Sure, I'll bitch and moan, gripe about how much I suck, how I should really do something... but I never will. Been there, never got around to trying that.
Just some days I look back on it all... all the opportunities I squandered, all the potential I've pissed up against the wall, and I can't help but to cry a little, inside... mourning the loss of what I could have been. If only I had that spark, that desire to prove myself. So much wasted. If only...
Had a bunch of other stuff to write, about job politics and family hassles and the like, not to mention a huge chunk of 'why neverwinter rocks my world'... but later. I just ain't in the mood for that stuff now.