(no subject)
Ben's had successfully swept me off my feet again, about a month ago. He ahs been so sweet and nice to me that when I found him looking at teeny pron and underage girls myspace pages, I confronted him. (its not like these are the only sites he looks at like this, trust me its not, its just that if I confronted him every time I found a pron site on the hx I would never sleep for allthe fighting!) he promised me that he would not look at those things online anymore. well I went to his grammas yesterday and when i came home i got i=online and went to the history to go to a site i had stumbled upon thursday, and i found like fifty pages of him browsing for myspace nekkies and not to mention all the pron sites..... so i called him and told him not to come home. not because of the pron itself, its that i am tired of him saying one thing and doing another. I have put my full trust in this guy and he knows it and has used it against me for 3 years.
well he came home, but i was cold to him. i never yelled, i just calmly and rationally told him how i felt all of it. i also told him when he did that he broke off our relationship. he still wants to make this a;; ok, he has made no promises( his words) that he'll not do this stuff anymore.
I also told him about how I just KNOW hes done me wrong and I know he'll prolly never tell me, but just to know that i know. he just looked so sad and never said a word.
he keeps saying he doesnt want me to be mad at him, but i cant help it... i usually get over shit quick, but this, this wound has gone unchecked a few years, it has festered and become rotten with time. only time will heal this. i just dont know what to do.
i have daycare for two days next week that his mom paid for so i can get a job, she has no idea about this stuff, and i dont know if i should stay, because i know that its only a matter of time before he uses me against me... so to pseak.
anyway all i have done is cried today because i know i broke up with him yesterday, and he refuses to believe it, so we live a lie. well not really we sleep in diff rooms, even before all this shit started. he tells me its my fault he does this or that our bed is just too uncomfortable., but theres always a freaking trillion pron sites on the pc when he does that.
im just sick over this and myself for breaking off with him and not leaving, but its not like i have a place to go you know, i have no money, i have no job (only because he wont let me get one) , what am i supposed to do take my daughter to a homeless shelter when she has a home? this is hard.
well he came home, but i was cold to him. i never yelled, i just calmly and rationally told him how i felt all of it. i also told him when he did that he broke off our relationship. he still wants to make this a;; ok, he has made no promises( his words) that he'll not do this stuff anymore.
I also told him about how I just KNOW hes done me wrong and I know he'll prolly never tell me, but just to know that i know. he just looked so sad and never said a word.
he keeps saying he doesnt want me to be mad at him, but i cant help it... i usually get over shit quick, but this, this wound has gone unchecked a few years, it has festered and become rotten with time. only time will heal this. i just dont know what to do.
i have daycare for two days next week that his mom paid for so i can get a job, she has no idea about this stuff, and i dont know if i should stay, because i know that its only a matter of time before he uses me against me... so to pseak.
anyway all i have done is cried today because i know i broke up with him yesterday, and he refuses to believe it, so we live a lie. well not really we sleep in diff rooms, even before all this shit started. he tells me its my fault he does this or that our bed is just too uncomfortable., but theres always a freaking trillion pron sites on the pc when he does that.
im just sick over this and myself for breaking off with him and not leaving, but its not like i have a place to go you know, i have no money, i have no job (only because he wont let me get one) , what am i supposed to do take my daughter to a homeless shelter when she has a home? this is hard.