personal hope's/dreams...
heh well i got a new job :P im hoping it will fix my social anxiety ive been having.... and my bordom with my current job.... i make friends really easily and this is a job i can do that well at...
ive been noticing... im kind of a blank person... i have no goals... no wishes... no wants... well... other than base urges... and those arent my own... those are instinctual... i am rather bored of having "urges" i want control... grr..
but im not sure if anyone really understands... but im afraid of what will happen... if i grow attached... ever... i grew attached to only a few people in my life... and they have either hurt me... very badly... or are so sick and frail.... that i am very worried....
im kinda trying to avoid making any new "real" friends lately... because i dont knopw how i will react in the near future... i just want my dream of everyone close to me living forever.... to come true... atleast till i cease to exist...
im afraid of missing... i hate missing... it ones of those feelings i cant cope with... the feeling of loss... of inability... not so much the fact that what i want is gone... but the fact that i cant get it back... or if i did... it just5 wouldnt be the same...
that feeling of the first time you hear msi with some great friends...
that utter joy of finding that "dick" (richard if you dont know me...)
whom helps you on your quest for real friends...
all sorts of exciting little things... that you just dont understand till you try to recapture them.... it makes me sad to think about these things.... even though i will always love these moments and cherish them with every fiber of my being....
most of them just wont ever be the same... i got reminded how old my grandma was recently... i want to kill myself so i didnt have to lose her.... but it would be worse for her.... she has already lost sooo much... and id rather save everyone from pain... everyone... not just those i know... for pain is useless it is torture... it is indiscribably tedious... my hand hurts.... yep.... my hand hurts.... yep.... my hand...... nevermind... who gives a shit about pain?! we all already know how it feels through everyone elses events... why are we stuck sharing the same pain in an endless loop... never experiencing new pain... just the same damn shit?!
ive been noticing... im kind of a blank person... i have no goals... no wishes... no wants... well... other than base urges... and those arent my own... those are instinctual... i am rather bored of having "urges" i want control... grr..
but im not sure if anyone really understands... but im afraid of what will happen... if i grow attached... ever... i grew attached to only a few people in my life... and they have either hurt me... very badly... or are so sick and frail.... that i am very worried....
im kinda trying to avoid making any new "real" friends lately... because i dont knopw how i will react in the near future... i just want my dream of everyone close to me living forever.... to come true... atleast till i cease to exist...
im afraid of missing... i hate missing... it ones of those feelings i cant cope with... the feeling of loss... of inability... not so much the fact that what i want is gone... but the fact that i cant get it back... or if i did... it just5 wouldnt be the same...
that feeling of the first time you hear msi with some great friends...
that utter joy of finding that "dick" (richard if you dont know me...)
whom helps you on your quest for real friends...
all sorts of exciting little things... that you just dont understand till you try to recapture them.... it makes me sad to think about these things.... even though i will always love these moments and cherish them with every fiber of my being....
most of them just wont ever be the same... i got reminded how old my grandma was recently... i want to kill myself so i didnt have to lose her.... but it would be worse for her.... she has already lost sooo much... and id rather save everyone from pain... everyone... not just those i know... for pain is useless it is torture... it is indiscribably tedious... my hand hurts.... yep.... my hand hurts.... yep.... my hand...... nevermind... who gives a shit about pain?! we all already know how it feels through everyone elses events... why are we stuck sharing the same pain in an endless loop... never experiencing new pain... just the same damn shit?!