The weight around my neck is finally being cut loose.
I have to admit that I am "spazzing out" right now. Emotions and thoughts are racing and cycling through my mind faster than I can keep pace with; and it is mind numbing to say the least. My body is shaking, and I feel as if the only thing I want to do is throw up; and I haven't even been able to eat a thing all day. I'm a bundle of mixed emotions: sad, relieved, and excited to be moving forward with my life again.
This evening, after work, I stopped by my lawyer's office (Jeffrey Sandcork) and signed the final draft petition of divorce, that will legally end my marriage to Robyn. We've been separated for over two years now, and it is time to stop dragging my feet on the inevitable. There is no going back to what was, and I have a new hope, with so much life and promise ahead of me.
As far as the stipulations of the divorce, I firmly believe that I have done the correct things a husband (hoping to at least make one last attempt to follow God's commands for how a husband should conduct himself) could do. In fact, I feel like I've gone above and beyond what most normal people would do in my same situation. Does that make me the better person? I don't know that it does; although given my specific circumstances, I already believe i was the better person to begin with.
I gave full interest and possession of our condo to Robyn (all equity will be hers when she sells it ). I am at peace knowing she will have a safe and secure home to live in until she finds somewhere new; and she has the opportunity to utilize that money to remain independent.
I say that with a hopeful optimism, knowing full well that her pattern of reckless financial behavior will most likely continue down a path that will see her getting herself into trouble sooner than later. I've spent thousands of dollars correcting many of the mistakes she has made over the past two plus years. Paying credit cards, electric bills to get the power turned back on, giving her cash to make the condo association and community association payments; sometimes only to learn that she took that money and wasted it at the bar or on things she didn't need. Her repeated irresponsibility, and careless financial habits are an anchor I am eager to be rid of.
I have made sure that the judge's decree will restore Robyn to her maiden name. She will have her own identity restored to her. More importantly, her actions and behaviors will no longer be associated with the Mullen name.
We have been separated for jut over two years; and during that entire time I have continued to maintain health insurance for her; giving her time to organize and put her affairs in order. Even after our divorce is finalized, she will have the opportunity to retain insurance under the COBRA plan for another year or so. Hopefully, the insurance company and the health providers will stop sending her bills and statements to me. I've not wanted to interfere or pry; but I have been concerned about her condition (medications and treatments for Bipolar Depression, Delusional Paranoia, and Multiple Sclerosis), and I have paid a few of the medical bills that have showed up in my mailbox.
I don't know what else I could have done. When we first separated, I tried everything I could think of to reconcile our marriage. In spite of her many affairs and incidents of infidelity, I tried to put the hurt feelings aside and make it possible for us to have at least a shot.
My efforts were repaid with countless lies to friends and her family, as she tried to cover up the true reasons for our separation. I've learned that she has told them I was cruel and abusive to her. No mention about all of the men she had both emotional and physical affairs with during the last year we were together. No mention of the drunken stupors she would drink herself into at the bars. No mention of the fact that a man from Australia took a detour on his US vacation, to stop by St. Louis, MO so that he could have sex with her in his hotel room, or the man (Big J: bigjohnson8plus@hotmail.com ) she was willing to drive all the way to the state of Tennessee, just to meet up with to continue an affair that had started in a chat room. No mention of Eric Evans, or the many times she would pick him up from his shift at Denny's, as she left the bar across the street, so that she could take him home and engage in forbidden love. Oh, I definitely know why she will never tell her family about that affair. For not only was she having a sexual affair with another man, but a black man at that. And having grown up in a household with a father who has strong racial opinions about such relationships, she knows that she would be cut off from her family if such a truth should ever come to light. And it is even more sad to think that what I have mentioned here is but the very tip of an iceberg of lies and deception.
So, when we talk about obligations to try to reconcile a broken marriage,that could have been possible at one time, in the very beginning of our separation.But the reality is that it was never an option in her mind. She was too busy running towards the next adrenaline rush, cheap thrill, and bar stool next to who ever would buy the next drink; all while she cooked up the latest lie to cover the truth of her actions.
I do still care about her. I once loved her enough to marry her; and at some point in time I truly believe she thought she loved me as well. I now love her enough to let her go; and more importantly, I love myself enough to let it all go. The betrayal, the infidelity, the lies, the hurtful behavior. All of it; because that is now the past, and it is time to make a fresh start.
I just hope and pray that I have done the right things. I pray that God will forgive me for having broken the vows I swore before Him, at His altar, in His house of worship. I pray that Robyn will seek His forgiveness for having abandoned our marriage, and that He will touch her heart and her spirit to heal her. I pray that He will provide opportunities for happiness and fullfillment in her life. As much as it pains me to even think this, I hope that someday she will learn to have some self respect, allow another man to truly love her, and that he will be able to make her happy. Apparently, I could not.
Please pray for me; I am hurting more in this moment than I realized that I would have thought possible, given the circumstances. While I am no longer in love with the person she has become, I will always love the woman I thought I was marrying all those years ago. That person has not existed for a long time, and the feeling right now is like what you would feel for a person who has passed away and is being buried.
I guess that is the feeling I am experiencing right now. With signing the divorce papers this evening, I am finally closing the lid on the coffin; and saying a final goodbye to the good memories that we once shared together. Memories that came to an end in 1999, when I first heard her utter the words, "I can't love you anymore." Everything since then has been like a slow death and a lingering cancer. Today I pulled the life support on that cancer, and just have to wait for the Judge to sign the papers so that I can begin to live again.
This evening, after work, I stopped by my lawyer's office (Jeffrey Sandcork) and signed the final draft petition of divorce, that will legally end my marriage to Robyn. We've been separated for over two years now, and it is time to stop dragging my feet on the inevitable. There is no going back to what was, and I have a new hope, with so much life and promise ahead of me.
As far as the stipulations of the divorce, I firmly believe that I have done the correct things a husband (hoping to at least make one last attempt to follow God's commands for how a husband should conduct himself) could do. In fact, I feel like I've gone above and beyond what most normal people would do in my same situation. Does that make me the better person? I don't know that it does; although given my specific circumstances, I already believe i was the better person to begin with.
I say that with a hopeful optimism, knowing full well that her pattern of reckless financial behavior will most likely continue down a path that will see her getting herself into trouble sooner than later. I've spent thousands of dollars correcting many of the mistakes she has made over the past two plus years. Paying credit cards, electric bills to get the power turned back on, giving her cash to make the condo association and community association payments; sometimes only to learn that she took that money and wasted it at the bar or on things she didn't need. Her repeated irresponsibility, and careless financial habits are an anchor I am eager to be rid of.
I don't know what else I could have done. When we first separated, I tried everything I could think of to reconcile our marriage. In spite of her many affairs and incidents of infidelity, I tried to put the hurt feelings aside and make it possible for us to have at least a shot.
My efforts were repaid with countless lies to friends and her family, as she tried to cover up the true reasons for our separation. I've learned that she has told them I was cruel and abusive to her. No mention about all of the men she had both emotional and physical affairs with during the last year we were together. No mention of the drunken stupors she would drink herself into at the bars. No mention of the fact that a man from Australia took a detour on his US vacation, to stop by St. Louis, MO so that he could have sex with her in his hotel room, or the man (Big J: bigjohnson8plus@hotmail.com ) she was willing to drive all the way to the state of Tennessee, just to meet up with to continue an affair that had started in a chat room. No mention of Eric Evans, or the many times she would pick him up from his shift at Denny's, as she left the bar across the street, so that she could take him home and engage in forbidden love. Oh, I definitely know why she will never tell her family about that affair. For not only was she having a sexual affair with another man, but a black man at that. And having grown up in a household with a father who has strong racial opinions about such relationships, she knows that she would be cut off from her family if such a truth should ever come to light. And it is even more sad to think that what I have mentioned here is but the very tip of an iceberg of lies and deception.
So, when we talk about obligations to try to reconcile a broken marriage,that could have been possible at one time, in the very beginning of our separation.But the reality is that it was never an option in her mind. She was too busy running towards the next adrenaline rush, cheap thrill, and bar stool next to who ever would buy the next drink; all while she cooked up the latest lie to cover the truth of her actions.
I do still care about her. I once loved her enough to marry her; and at some point in time I truly believe she thought she loved me as well. I now love her enough to let her go; and more importantly, I love myself enough to let it all go. The betrayal, the infidelity, the lies, the hurtful behavior. All of it; because that is now the past, and it is time to make a fresh start.
I just hope and pray that I have done the right things. I pray that God will forgive me for having broken the vows I swore before Him, at His altar, in His house of worship. I pray that Robyn will seek His forgiveness for having abandoned our marriage, and that He will touch her heart and her spirit to heal her. I pray that He will provide opportunities for happiness and fullfillment in her life. As much as it pains me to even think this, I hope that someday she will learn to have some self respect, allow another man to truly love her, and that he will be able to make her happy. Apparently, I could not.
Please pray for me; I am hurting more in this moment than I realized that I would have thought possible, given the circumstances. While I am no longer in love with the person she has become, I will always love the woman I thought I was marrying all those years ago. That person has not existed for a long time, and the feeling right now is like what you would feel for a person who has passed away and is being buried.
I guess that is the feeling I am experiencing right now. With signing the divorce papers this evening, I am finally closing the lid on the coffin; and saying a final goodbye to the good memories that we once shared together. Memories that came to an end in 1999, when I first heard her utter the words, "I can't love you anymore." Everything since then has been like a slow death and a lingering cancer. Today I pulled the life support on that cancer, and just have to wait for the Judge to sign the papers so that I can begin to live again.