Today was a complete disaster, and it's all my fault.
If I were to die right now, I think I would welcome its cruel cold dark embrace. It would be far easier than enduring the pain and anguish I feel right now.
I should know better than to believe that I could ever do something right.
The day was jinxed from the very get go. I woke up with a head ache and tired from restless sleep and bad dreams. My PC at work was plagued with glitches and hiccups all day long. And the bitter icing on the cake for the first part of my day was that Karen and I got into a long drawn out argument about her hair and each other's hurt feelings. I could probably spend and entire journal entry about just the content of that conversation, but I won't.
Our IM chat conversation ended like this:
I logged off of my PC and headed out the door. I had one goal in mind. Arrive home, put Karen's hair into a ponytail and in spite of the fact that I truly love and adore her long hair, and would love nothing more than to see it grow even longer, I was going to cut at least half of her hair off before I had a chance to change my mind.
I was determined that I was going to show Karen that I could be her man. That I could give her what she was asking for and wanted from me. I could take charge, show her love and adoration, and give her exactly what she wanted and needed... support for what she wants, and the action to back it up. Not just words.
I was so sure that Karen was going to be completely excited and happy with my actions, that I stopped at a convenient store on the way home and bought a pack of Marlboro Light 100's cigarettes. As soon as I was finished cutting her hair, and while she was still excited and happy about me actively supporting what she wanted; I had made up my mind that I was going to ask her to sit me down and pretend to smoke while giving me a buzz cut after the kids went to bed. It wouldn't be the latex clad, sexy barberette, scenario that I truly desire from her; but it would be an act of support and giving for what I know she truly wants. My hope was that she would be happy in the moment and willing to still keep the promise to pretend to smoke like she had made to me on my birthday.
I knew I'd regret it in the morning, but Karen's happiness was all I could think about and focus on at the time.
When I came through the door, Karen was still cooking dinner. The chicken was still frying in the pan. I saw that her hair was pulled up on top of her head in a bun. I went to my medicine cabinet and grabbed a ponytail holder and my hair shears. With her back turned to me, I reached up to her bun and pulled her gorgeous long hair free. It was damp and wavy, and hung like a shiny elegant curtain down the back of her head and back. I almost lost me resolve. Her long hair was so beautiful there in my hands. Exactly what I have dreamed of since I decided I wanted her to grow it out at the beginning of 2008.
Before I could change my mind, I put her hair into a ponytail, and pulled the rubber band down until the length was so that it would fall about two inches below her chin in the front. "I don't want it hanging down my back right now. Fix my ponytail." she said. I slid the scissors into the hair just below the rubber band and cut through the top half of it. Before she even realized what I was doing, I slid the scissors back in and quickly severed the rest of the ponytail from her head.
Karen realized her hair was no longer on her back and reached back to feel it. She was excited, and happy. We took a photo of her severed ponytail and she posted it to facebook. Things were going exactly as planned. I took a deep breath and calmed myself, but not before I came inside my shorts from the excitement.
we ate dinner, and then we set to work on straightening up the rest of her hair. I cut it the exact way I had thought about and planned a dozen or so times in my mind over the years. It was nearly perfect. The basic cut was finished, and it only needed a few loose strands tidied up. I wanted Karen to take a quick look to see what she thought, so I removed the cape and asked her to go take a look in the mirror. She loved what she saw. My Sweetie was so happy and excited, and said she couldn't wait to show everyone.
But, she wanted it straightened up a bit more. It was almost exactly what she wanted, but not quite finished. I listened to what she was telling me, and I explained that the shorter part at the front of the bob was from where her grown out bangs were at. She kept talking about a more finished and blunt edge. How the points in front of the dramatic swing bob weren't exactly what she expected.
So I acted on what I thought she was telling me, and I evened the cut out; taking the sides to the points of where her grown out bangs hung at the front of the cut. that meant taking two more inches off of the sides. Something I felt shouldn't be done, but believed was exactly what Karen was asking me to do. it's her hair, and I wanted her to be happy. I put aside my personal judgement and opinion on the matter, and cut the hair shorter; exactly the way I thought I had heard her instruct me to do.
It wasn't. What she had said, and what I had heard were completely different things. She wanted to keep the dramatic swing length that I thought I had heard her just tell me to even out and blunt edge off.
Those two inches off of the front of the swing bob changed the entire look of the haircut; and Karen was devastated. She cried and sobbed. Seeing her and hearing her cry and be so distraught like that... I just wanted to slice my wrists open and die. The haircut she had absolutely loved and adored just minutes before, was now ruined and the source of her pain and anguish.
"You've made me feel completely hideous and ugly," she said. "You might as well take the clippers and shave my head completely bald, because I couldn't feel any uglier than I do right now. I just don't understand why you would do this to me."
I still think she looks beautiful; and the bob, although not the one I wanted to give her, is very sexy. Even if she doesn't think so. With the rate that her hair grows, it will take at least 3 months for the front length to grow back to the right length to correct the swing bob.
As much as I'd like to see that happen, I have to be realistic. Karen HATES this haircut, and I know that she is now going to want to cut it off even shorter. She feels that the current style makes her look like a 5 year old school girl, and the quickest way to get rid of that is to cut more hair off. If that's what it takes to make her happy, then so be it.
I can not even begin to put into words how much I hate and loathe myself right now. I quite literally want to die right now, and the urge to go swallow every pill I can get my hands on in the kitchen cabinet right now is one that only the fear of eternal burning in Hell are keeping me from doing just that.
Today is just one more example of proof that Karen would be better off without me screwing up her life. It is only my selfish love for her that keeps me from bearing the thought of ever being without her. I would never want to imagine a world without being able to love her, but I can easily imagine one where she would be better off if I could just let her go. She could finally be happy again.
Hi. My name is Dwight, and I fuck up EVERYTHING I touch in life. My life, and everyone around me. I am a worthless, ugly, fat, disgusting, piece of shit. If you value your quality of life, I have one piece of advice for you. Run away, and pretend you never met me. maybe fate will cut you some slack and remove the curse that is me from your life.
:-(
I should know better than to believe that I could ever do something right.
The day was jinxed from the very get go. I woke up with a head ache and tired from restless sleep and bad dreams. My PC at work was plagued with glitches and hiccups all day long. And the bitter icing on the cake for the first part of my day was that Karen and I got into a long drawn out argument about her hair and each other's hurt feelings. I could probably spend and entire journal entry about just the content of that conversation, but I won't.
Our IM chat conversation ended like this:
- Mullen, Dwight A [GCG-NAOT] [5:24 PM]:
I adore your long hair. I really honestly do. Sexy as all hell.
I made that realization in 2008 when I started wanting you to grow it out. Realized that it was just as sexy long as all of the short cuts I had asked you to get.
I get that you want to cut it. and I'll not tell you no; but know that I still find your long hair sexy.
Any way...
I think you'll look just as sexy with short blonde hair
just be fully aware that cutting your hair will re-awaken a side of me that has slept dormant for the past 5 years.
I don't know exactly what that means, other than the fact that i will want and desire you more often
I will love you exactly the same but my desire for you will most likely be more.
I don't see that as a bad thing at all, but I know that you do
Mullen, Karen [GCG-NAOT] [5:31 PM]:
i don't, i just don't know what to do about it
Mullen, Dwight A [GCG-NAOT] [5:32 PM]:
I do.
Go take a shower. and towel dry your hair.
I'll be home to cut it all off in about 15 minutes, and then we can figure out what to do about dinner.
I logged off of my PC and headed out the door. I had one goal in mind. Arrive home, put Karen's hair into a ponytail and in spite of the fact that I truly love and adore her long hair, and would love nothing more than to see it grow even longer, I was going to cut at least half of her hair off before I had a chance to change my mind.
I was determined that I was going to show Karen that I could be her man. That I could give her what she was asking for and wanted from me. I could take charge, show her love and adoration, and give her exactly what she wanted and needed... support for what she wants, and the action to back it up. Not just words.
I was so sure that Karen was going to be completely excited and happy with my actions, that I stopped at a convenient store on the way home and bought a pack of Marlboro Light 100's cigarettes. As soon as I was finished cutting her hair, and while she was still excited and happy about me actively supporting what she wanted; I had made up my mind that I was going to ask her to sit me down and pretend to smoke while giving me a buzz cut after the kids went to bed. It wouldn't be the latex clad, sexy barberette, scenario that I truly desire from her; but it would be an act of support and giving for what I know she truly wants. My hope was that she would be happy in the moment and willing to still keep the promise to pretend to smoke like she had made to me on my birthday.
I knew I'd regret it in the morning, but Karen's happiness was all I could think about and focus on at the time.
When I came through the door, Karen was still cooking dinner. The chicken was still frying in the pan. I saw that her hair was pulled up on top of her head in a bun. I went to my medicine cabinet and grabbed a ponytail holder and my hair shears. With her back turned to me, I reached up to her bun and pulled her gorgeous long hair free. It was damp and wavy, and hung like a shiny elegant curtain down the back of her head and back. I almost lost me resolve. Her long hair was so beautiful there in my hands. Exactly what I have dreamed of since I decided I wanted her to grow it out at the beginning of 2008.
Before I could change my mind, I put her hair into a ponytail, and pulled the rubber band down until the length was so that it would fall about two inches below her chin in the front. "I don't want it hanging down my back right now. Fix my ponytail." she said. I slid the scissors into the hair just below the rubber band and cut through the top half of it. Before she even realized what I was doing, I slid the scissors back in and quickly severed the rest of the ponytail from her head.
Karen realized her hair was no longer on her back and reached back to feel it. She was excited, and happy. We took a photo of her severed ponytail and she posted it to facebook. Things were going exactly as planned. I took a deep breath and calmed myself, but not before I came inside my shorts from the excitement.
we ate dinner, and then we set to work on straightening up the rest of her hair. I cut it the exact way I had thought about and planned a dozen or so times in my mind over the years. It was nearly perfect. The basic cut was finished, and it only needed a few loose strands tidied up. I wanted Karen to take a quick look to see what she thought, so I removed the cape and asked her to go take a look in the mirror. She loved what she saw. My Sweetie was so happy and excited, and said she couldn't wait to show everyone.
But, she wanted it straightened up a bit more. It was almost exactly what she wanted, but not quite finished. I listened to what she was telling me, and I explained that the shorter part at the front of the bob was from where her grown out bangs were at. She kept talking about a more finished and blunt edge. How the points in front of the dramatic swing bob weren't exactly what she expected.
So I acted on what I thought she was telling me, and I evened the cut out; taking the sides to the points of where her grown out bangs hung at the front of the cut. that meant taking two more inches off of the sides. Something I felt shouldn't be done, but believed was exactly what Karen was asking me to do. it's her hair, and I wanted her to be happy. I put aside my personal judgement and opinion on the matter, and cut the hair shorter; exactly the way I thought I had heard her instruct me to do.
It wasn't. What she had said, and what I had heard were completely different things. She wanted to keep the dramatic swing length that I thought I had heard her just tell me to even out and blunt edge off.
Those two inches off of the front of the swing bob changed the entire look of the haircut; and Karen was devastated. She cried and sobbed. Seeing her and hearing her cry and be so distraught like that... I just wanted to slice my wrists open and die. The haircut she had absolutely loved and adored just minutes before, was now ruined and the source of her pain and anguish.
"You've made me feel completely hideous and ugly," she said. "You might as well take the clippers and shave my head completely bald, because I couldn't feel any uglier than I do right now. I just don't understand why you would do this to me."
I still think she looks beautiful; and the bob, although not the one I wanted to give her, is very sexy. Even if she doesn't think so. With the rate that her hair grows, it will take at least 3 months for the front length to grow back to the right length to correct the swing bob.
As much as I'd like to see that happen, I have to be realistic. Karen HATES this haircut, and I know that she is now going to want to cut it off even shorter. She feels that the current style makes her look like a 5 year old school girl, and the quickest way to get rid of that is to cut more hair off. If that's what it takes to make her happy, then so be it.
I can not even begin to put into words how much I hate and loathe myself right now. I quite literally want to die right now, and the urge to go swallow every pill I can get my hands on in the kitchen cabinet right now is one that only the fear of eternal burning in Hell are keeping me from doing just that.
Today is just one more example of proof that Karen would be better off without me screwing up her life. It is only my selfish love for her that keeps me from bearing the thought of ever being without her. I would never want to imagine a world without being able to love her, but I can easily imagine one where she would be better off if I could just let her go. She could finally be happy again.
Hi. My name is Dwight, and I fuck up EVERYTHING I touch in life. My life, and everyone around me. I am a worthless, ugly, fat, disgusting, piece of shit. If you value your quality of life, I have one piece of advice for you. Run away, and pretend you never met me. maybe fate will cut you some slack and remove the curse that is me from your life.
:-(