My heart is breaking. My spirit is dying.
Today, i learned from a close, trusted friend, that the present Karen most wishes would be under the tree is a divorce.
Saw the chat message string myself. Those were her words. Not a summary of the gist of the discussion, or anything like that.
This only goes to confirm a feeling that has been growing in my mind over the past couple of months. At first, i thought that it was just paranoia on my part because of the mixed manic and depressive episodes i've been going through this past summer and fall; but the revelations of today confirms that i have not been imagining the fact that Karen no longer loves me.
i even mentioned to her the other evening that when on the rare occasion that she tells me she loves me, i don't always believe she means it. i think the only thing she was shocked about was the fact that i've tuned into her wavelength about how she really feels.
Right now, i'm numb and in shock. i had seriously hoped that i was just being paranoid. i just can't wrap my mind around the fact that my whole world and reason for living could come crashing down around me. i seriously can not survive this happening again in my life. i'm praying that it's not too late to figure things out and change the way she feels about me. i just don't know what to do.
And now that she has actually brought up the "D" word (divorce) in the context of our relationship, how do i ever fully trust her again from this moment on? Even if i can figure out a way to change myself and make things better between us, given my past experiences, i'm not sure i will ever heal from the heartache and doubt that is now racing through my mind. That "D" word will forever haunt the back recesses of my mind.
The one thing i know for sure is that if things don't improve from here on out, i had better make sure my life insurance is increased and paid up to date. If she leaves me, i'm checking out permanently.
i've lost too much over the past couple of years. My dad. Boo Dog. Financial stability. My mind.... i can't lose the one and only person that means anything to me, and i can't lose my family. i could never be an every other weekend dad with my children. That would kill me worse than losing life itself.
Saw the chat message string myself. Those were her words. Not a summary of the gist of the discussion, or anything like that.
This only goes to confirm a feeling that has been growing in my mind over the past couple of months. At first, i thought that it was just paranoia on my part because of the mixed manic and depressive episodes i've been going through this past summer and fall; but the revelations of today confirms that i have not been imagining the fact that Karen no longer loves me.
i even mentioned to her the other evening that when on the rare occasion that she tells me she loves me, i don't always believe she means it. i think the only thing she was shocked about was the fact that i've tuned into her wavelength about how she really feels.
Right now, i'm numb and in shock. i had seriously hoped that i was just being paranoid. i just can't wrap my mind around the fact that my whole world and reason for living could come crashing down around me. i seriously can not survive this happening again in my life. i'm praying that it's not too late to figure things out and change the way she feels about me. i just don't know what to do.
And now that she has actually brought up the "D" word (divorce) in the context of our relationship, how do i ever fully trust her again from this moment on? Even if i can figure out a way to change myself and make things better between us, given my past experiences, i'm not sure i will ever heal from the heartache and doubt that is now racing through my mind. That "D" word will forever haunt the back recesses of my mind.
The one thing i know for sure is that if things don't improve from here on out, i had better make sure my life insurance is increased and paid up to date. If she leaves me, i'm checking out permanently.
i've lost too much over the past couple of years. My dad. Boo Dog. Financial stability. My mind.... i can't lose the one and only person that means anything to me, and i can't lose my family. i could never be an every other weekend dad with my children. That would kill me worse than losing life itself.