It's starting to grow on me.... just a little.
No pun intended really; but if you thought that was funny, I'll go with it.
I still wish that I had my long hair back. I don't think that feeling is going to change anytime soon. How long will I feel that way? I don't know, my guess is probably somewhere between 36 to 46 months; since it was just this past February when I finally felt that I had reached my goal and had achieved the exact length and style that I had set out to reach some 46 months ago when I made the determination that I would definitely grow it out that long. Do I think I really have the patience to grow it out again? I don't know, I doubt it. The later half of 2008, up through about SEP of 2009 was literally hairstyle hell, waiting for it to get long enough for my hair to reach that tiny little ponytail.... held together by a palm full of gel and 1/4 of a can of hairspray. But at the moment, I so desperately want my pony tail back so bad that I think I'd be willing to endure the surgical removal of my left testicle, without anesthesia, in fair trade to have it all magically appear back on my head.
I'm starting to adjust to the new haircut just a fraction of a little bit. (DO NOT confuse, or substitute the word "adjust" with "like") I'm starting to make it beyond the constant desire to OD on my meds or slit my wrists, but am pretty much still stuck in a state of self hatred and loathing. I've got my hats, and that helps a tiny small bit. Who knows, in a few days, or weeks, I may even feel better enough to want to voluntarily eat something again. I've nibbled here and there, and had a few hand fulls of popcorn for lunch this afternoon, but otherwise haven't eaten anything since we were at JJ's restaurant on Monday night. I still need to work on trying to make myself get more than about 2 1/2 hours of sleep a night.
- I've gone full blown "manorexic." I don't think I've ever felt so hideously fat and ugly in my entire life. Right now, I guess my mind is so deeply mired in shock and depression that it does not even register that I may be hungry. I quite literally do not even think about eating, unless others around me are eating. But even the thought of allowing myself to eat food just makes me feel ill. Good thing I'm a Mtn Dew addict, I get more calories from soda than most anorexics consume in an average day. But I just feel overwhelmingly obsessed with how fat and hideous I look right now. I look into the mirror and want to break down into tears. I know that somehow this is not logical. That my perspective is being mentally distorted from the reality of what other people see; but it does not change what my mind sees when I look into the mirror. And that makes me feel that I'm also ugly to everyone around me. Except possibly my sweet Karen. i don't think I've felt this way, with this level of intensity, since maybe sometime back in 2000. I lost about 25 to 30 pounds that year before I finally stabilized back into a regular eating pattern; but it had taken a full blown manic episode to break the cycle of perspective and denial. That's not somewhere I want to go right now.
I was finally able to lay down and go to sleep this morning (last night in sleep terms) at around 5 AM, when Karen was getting up to get ready for work. I slept like a rock until my alarm went off at 7:20 AM. I feel physically exhausted, but i don't feel tired. I apparently passed out cold for about 15 minutes this evening, while Jack was trying to read his book report book to me on the couch. When i tried to get up to start fixing dinner, my body was shaking uncontrollably for about 5 minutes, but then i felt fine again and was back to being awake.
At work, it's not too bad. I'm still getting people come up to me in shock; asking why I cut all of my gorgeous hair off. (That still gives me a feeling that makes me want to blow my brains out, or just swallow an entire bottle of my pills in one gulp) I've tried to stick to the same theme of lies, so as to not assign any implied or unintended blame on any individual(s). Although, I am aware that most people who have worked with me for the past 4 years, that remember me going through the grow out phase to reach the final long hairstyle, are fully aware that my sweet Bubbie was not exactly a fan of those long hairstyles that I sported along the way. They simply make the assumption that I've cut my hair for her, and tell me how sweet of a husband I am to be willing to cut off such beautiful hair out of love for the love of my life. This seems to be an acceptable reason for having made such a drastic change to my appearance, and as long as their voice tone does not imply that doing so was a bad thing on my part, and is not implying any sort of negativity or blame on Karen's part, I just let it go at that.
I know that it is important to Karen that I make sure that people know that she didn't make me do this to my hair, and that she is not somehow at fault or to blame in any way shape or form. I made the decision all of my own choosing. But it is true that I cut my hair for her. There were other factors that pushed and nudged me to making that decision now, rather than later (when I may have been more willing or comfortable in doing so without reservation or any sense of regret). But I do admit that I took that leap off of the side of the cliff because I knew it would make her happy. And that is NOT A BAD thing. She never coerced or forced me into making that decision. But if I hadn't been doing this for her, and more specifically because I knew that it would please her and make her happy, I would have probably never cut my hair short again. At least not for a very long time to come.
Outside of work (which I'll say even includes interaction in the break room or out on the patio, because in those moments I'm interacting with people I may not really know very well), is quite the different situation. My old insecurities have resurfaced. I've noticed myself becoming more withdrawn and socially introverted. Even though I am aware of this, I don't think there is anything that I can really do to change that part of my personality; outside of placing myself into some sort of semi-drunken / intoxicated state, on a near permanent basis. I don't think that would go over very well at work, or when driving. I do tend to loosen up, and lose some inhibition in a social context, when I'm drunk. I've admittedly been popping a few extra Xanax here and there to loosen my inhibitions a bit too; although I'm pretty sure the Xanax factor is what got me into this predicament in the first place. If I hadn't been popping Xanax like they were Tic-Tacs all day Monday, I'd most likely be sitting here with my blonde highlighted ponytail hanging down over my shoulder as I type a vastly different journal entry.
I'm actually quite literally depressed. It's almost like I've lost a body part, and I'm mourning its loss. But, eventually, I know that I will compensate and become numbed to this change in life. Given time, my state of mind will adjust, and things will return to as normal of a state of things as I am actually capable of being normal. Especially as my hair grows out a bit. I 'm not planning to immediately grow it out long again right now (maybe when I'm 47, so I can have my ponytail at my 50th B-Day bash - and there better be a fucking HUGE birthday bash for my 50th. I don't care if I have to sell a kidney to pay for it.), but I'm not sure I want to keep it this short either. Karen really seems to like it, so until I decide what I really want to do, I'm going to maintain it in whatever style seems to please her the most. Since the hair is already gone, my focus is all upon looking he way that brings the biggest and happiest smile to her beautiful face.
Some time ago, I had thought about what hairstyle i would most likely want when I finally got tired of wearing it in a ponytail. I've got a photo folder on my laptop of hairstyles that i wanted to try as i went from long to shorter styles. I decided that I would feel most comfortable with my hair cut to look something like this: (See Keith Urban photo to the Left)
Not quite long enough to put up into a ponytail, but still long and a little bit messy looking. Definitely still a bad boy look, but well groomed and styled to impress the ladies. I can't remember at the moment, but I think I even tweeted this pic to myself a few weeks or months ago, so that I'd be able to find it if/when it was ever time for the big snip.
Right now, it would take me until probably next June or July to get my hair back to that length; that is if I could refrain from cutting it at all during all of that time. It kind of reminds me of the way my hair sort of looked in our 2008 Family portrait photo. I really liked my hair the way it looked at that time frame. But I also have to admit that it was a bit of work to keep up with every day. I could have happily stayed at that length, but I was on a quest for my ponytail at the time.
We'll have to wait and see. I'm still trying to adjust to this new hairstyle. Which I think either needs a little bit more length on top to look good, or needs to be cut quite a bit shorter to look more like the spiked high-n-tight styles I was wearing in the fall of 2006. It's just not quite right at the exact length it is right now. Needs to go shorter, or grow longer. But I'm not sure which.
Which brings me to my next point. While I do sincerely wish that I still had my long hair, I have to say that the looks and glances that I have been getting from my wife since stepping out of the salon chair have been very comforting. I haven't gotten looks like those since probably sometime back around April or May of 2008. If she keeps acting like this, I may actually be inclined to keep the shorter hairstyles. Heck, if she starts giving me sex on a regular basis, I'll get a crew cut if that's what she wants to see on my head.
I mean, I do have to admit that one of the better perks of the longer hair was the constant attention and flirts that I would get from other women; but if I can get that kind of attention here at home, that's worth a whole lot more to me than either the long hair or the attention of anyone else. It's what I've prayed and longed for, and wanted all along. Ok, Here is the part of the entry we will title: THINGS I HAD WANTED TO DO WHILE I HAD LONG HAIR, BUT CAN NO LONGER DO
I've always wanted to have my hair put into Bo Derek braids or corn rows. (this is one that goes all the way back to around 1992) I was sure that i would get around to this one before ever cutting my hair off again. It was one of my biggest regrets when I cut my hair short back in 2003.
I was looking forward to coloring my hair to a uniform light brown or dark blonde, to even out my color all over, and then getting some new heavier blonde highlights for the fall and Winter months.
I wanted to try getting a body wave perm to see what I would look like with more wave and curl to my long hair.
I was going to dress up as a Viking Warrior for Halloween, with my long hair flowing around me in my costume. Even though about doing a THOR theme for this year. I've really had my heart set on this since I came up with the idea back in February, after getting my hair highlighted and seeing how good I look as a long haired blonde. (see user pic above)
- Now that the hair is gone, I no longer have a Halloween costume for this year. So, I've decided that this will be a year without a Halloween. Karen can take the kids over to Justin and Melissa's, and I'm sitting this one out and staying home.
I was going to dress up as an 80's hair band rock star (a la Brett Michaels type rocker) for my sister-in-law's 30th birthday party; which is going to have an 80's retro theme to it. Yeah.... can't do that one anymore either, so... not going. Without the hair, I've got nothing to even begin to start putting together an 80's themed costume for the party. Even if I had my parachute pants from way back then, I'm about 6" bigger around the waist than I was 24 years ago at age 16.
I figured a few years down the road, I would see how much money I could raise for the St. Baldrick's cancer research organization. I would have held my own event, instead of going to the Helen Fitzgerald's location to do it. But people don't pledge very much money to shave the hair off of a guy whose hair is already cut off short.
In fact, at this point in time, I'm still really feeling extremely vulnerable and inadequate in a social setting context. Karen likes to see my short hair, so I won't wear my hats around the house as much as I have the past two evenings; but out and about otherwise, it's going to be hat central on my head for a while.
And as far as social engagements go, I'm wiping my calendar clean until further notice; at least until when I'm feeling a bit more sociable and comfortable in my own skin. I'm still debating whether or not I'll go to the Night at the Races on NOV 5th. Since I'll be drunk by the end of the first hour of that event, I may just have to go in spite of myself.
I still wish that I had my long hair back. I don't think that feeling is going to change anytime soon. How long will I feel that way? I don't know, my guess is probably somewhere between 36 to 46 months; since it was just this past February when I finally felt that I had reached my goal and had achieved the exact length and style that I had set out to reach some 46 months ago when I made the determination that I would definitely grow it out that long. Do I think I really have the patience to grow it out again? I don't know, I doubt it. The later half of 2008, up through about SEP of 2009 was literally hairstyle hell, waiting for it to get long enough for my hair to reach that tiny little ponytail.... held together by a palm full of gel and 1/4 of a can of hairspray. But at the moment, I so desperately want my pony tail back so bad that I think I'd be willing to endure the surgical removal of my left testicle, without anesthesia, in fair trade to have it all magically appear back on my head.
I'm starting to adjust to the new haircut just a fraction of a little bit. (DO NOT confuse, or substitute the word "adjust" with "like") I'm starting to make it beyond the constant desire to OD on my meds or slit my wrists, but am pretty much still stuck in a state of self hatred and loathing. I've got my hats, and that helps a tiny small bit. Who knows, in a few days, or weeks, I may even feel better enough to want to voluntarily eat something again. I've nibbled here and there, and had a few hand fulls of popcorn for lunch this afternoon, but otherwise haven't eaten anything since we were at JJ's restaurant on Monday night. I still need to work on trying to make myself get more than about 2 1/2 hours of sleep a night.
- I've gone full blown "manorexic." I don't think I've ever felt so hideously fat and ugly in my entire life. Right now, I guess my mind is so deeply mired in shock and depression that it does not even register that I may be hungry. I quite literally do not even think about eating, unless others around me are eating. But even the thought of allowing myself to eat food just makes me feel ill. Good thing I'm a Mtn Dew addict, I get more calories from soda than most anorexics consume in an average day. But I just feel overwhelmingly obsessed with how fat and hideous I look right now. I look into the mirror and want to break down into tears. I know that somehow this is not logical. That my perspective is being mentally distorted from the reality of what other people see; but it does not change what my mind sees when I look into the mirror. And that makes me feel that I'm also ugly to everyone around me. Except possibly my sweet Karen. i don't think I've felt this way, with this level of intensity, since maybe sometime back in 2000. I lost about 25 to 30 pounds that year before I finally stabilized back into a regular eating pattern; but it had taken a full blown manic episode to break the cycle of perspective and denial. That's not somewhere I want to go right now.
I was finally able to lay down and go to sleep this morning (last night in sleep terms) at around 5 AM, when Karen was getting up to get ready for work. I slept like a rock until my alarm went off at 7:20 AM. I feel physically exhausted, but i don't feel tired. I apparently passed out cold for about 15 minutes this evening, while Jack was trying to read his book report book to me on the couch. When i tried to get up to start fixing dinner, my body was shaking uncontrollably for about 5 minutes, but then i felt fine again and was back to being awake.
At work, it's not too bad. I'm still getting people come up to me in shock; asking why I cut all of my gorgeous hair off. (That still gives me a feeling that makes me want to blow my brains out, or just swallow an entire bottle of my pills in one gulp) I've tried to stick to the same theme of lies, so as to not assign any implied or unintended blame on any individual(s). Although, I am aware that most people who have worked with me for the past 4 years, that remember me going through the grow out phase to reach the final long hairstyle, are fully aware that my sweet Bubbie was not exactly a fan of those long hairstyles that I sported along the way. They simply make the assumption that I've cut my hair for her, and tell me how sweet of a husband I am to be willing to cut off such beautiful hair out of love for the love of my life. This seems to be an acceptable reason for having made such a drastic change to my appearance, and as long as their voice tone does not imply that doing so was a bad thing on my part, and is not implying any sort of negativity or blame on Karen's part, I just let it go at that.
I know that it is important to Karen that I make sure that people know that she didn't make me do this to my hair, and that she is not somehow at fault or to blame in any way shape or form. I made the decision all of my own choosing. But it is true that I cut my hair for her. There were other factors that pushed and nudged me to making that decision now, rather than later (when I may have been more willing or comfortable in doing so without reservation or any sense of regret). But I do admit that I took that leap off of the side of the cliff because I knew it would make her happy. And that is NOT A BAD thing. She never coerced or forced me into making that decision. But if I hadn't been doing this for her, and more specifically because I knew that it would please her and make her happy, I would have probably never cut my hair short again. At least not for a very long time to come.
Outside of work (which I'll say even includes interaction in the break room or out on the patio, because in those moments I'm interacting with people I may not really know very well), is quite the different situation. My old insecurities have resurfaced. I've noticed myself becoming more withdrawn and socially introverted. Even though I am aware of this, I don't think there is anything that I can really do to change that part of my personality; outside of placing myself into some sort of semi-drunken / intoxicated state, on a near permanent basis. I don't think that would go over very well at work, or when driving. I do tend to loosen up, and lose some inhibition in a social context, when I'm drunk. I've admittedly been popping a few extra Xanax here and there to loosen my inhibitions a bit too; although I'm pretty sure the Xanax factor is what got me into this predicament in the first place. If I hadn't been popping Xanax like they were Tic-Tacs all day Monday, I'd most likely be sitting here with my blonde highlighted ponytail hanging down over my shoulder as I type a vastly different journal entry.
I'm actually quite literally depressed. It's almost like I've lost a body part, and I'm mourning its loss. But, eventually, I know that I will compensate and become numbed to this change in life. Given time, my state of mind will adjust, and things will return to as normal of a state of things as I am actually capable of being normal. Especially as my hair grows out a bit. I 'm not planning to immediately grow it out long again right now (maybe when I'm 47, so I can have my ponytail at my 50th B-Day bash - and there better be a fucking HUGE birthday bash for my 50th. I don't care if I have to sell a kidney to pay for it.), but I'm not sure I want to keep it this short either. Karen really seems to like it, so until I decide what I really want to do, I'm going to maintain it in whatever style seems to please her the most. Since the hair is already gone, my focus is all upon looking he way that brings the biggest and happiest smile to her beautiful face.
Some time ago, I had thought about what hairstyle i would most likely want when I finally got tired of wearing it in a ponytail. I've got a photo folder on my laptop of hairstyles that i wanted to try as i went from long to shorter styles. I decided that I would feel most comfortable with my hair cut to look something like this: (See Keith Urban photo to the Left)
Not quite long enough to put up into a ponytail, but still long and a little bit messy looking. Definitely still a bad boy look, but well groomed and styled to impress the ladies. I can't remember at the moment, but I think I even tweeted this pic to myself a few weeks or months ago, so that I'd be able to find it if/when it was ever time for the big snip.
Right now, it would take me until probably next June or July to get my hair back to that length; that is if I could refrain from cutting it at all during all of that time. It kind of reminds me of the way my hair sort of looked in our 2008 Family portrait photo. I really liked my hair the way it looked at that time frame. But I also have to admit that it was a bit of work to keep up with every day. I could have happily stayed at that length, but I was on a quest for my ponytail at the time.
We'll have to wait and see. I'm still trying to adjust to this new hairstyle. Which I think either needs a little bit more length on top to look good, or needs to be cut quite a bit shorter to look more like the spiked high-n-tight styles I was wearing in the fall of 2006. It's just not quite right at the exact length it is right now. Needs to go shorter, or grow longer. But I'm not sure which.
Which brings me to my next point. While I do sincerely wish that I still had my long hair, I have to say that the looks and glances that I have been getting from my wife since stepping out of the salon chair have been very comforting. I haven't gotten looks like those since probably sometime back around April or May of 2008. If she keeps acting like this, I may actually be inclined to keep the shorter hairstyles. Heck, if she starts giving me sex on a regular basis, I'll get a crew cut if that's what she wants to see on my head.
I mean, I do have to admit that one of the better perks of the longer hair was the constant attention and flirts that I would get from other women; but if I can get that kind of attention here at home, that's worth a whole lot more to me than either the long hair or the attention of anyone else. It's what I've prayed and longed for, and wanted all along. Ok, Here is the part of the entry we will title: THINGS I HAD WANTED TO DO WHILE I HAD LONG HAIR, BUT CAN NO LONGER DO
- Now that the hair is gone, I no longer have a Halloween costume for this year. So, I've decided that this will be a year without a Halloween. Karen can take the kids over to Justin and Melissa's, and I'm sitting this one out and staying home.
In fact, at this point in time, I'm still really feeling extremely vulnerable and inadequate in a social setting context. Karen likes to see my short hair, so I won't wear my hats around the house as much as I have the past two evenings; but out and about otherwise, it's going to be hat central on my head for a while.
And as far as social engagements go, I'm wiping my calendar clean until further notice; at least until when I'm feeling a bit more sociable and comfortable in my own skin. I'm still debating whether or not I'll go to the Night at the Races on NOV 5th. Since I'll be drunk by the end of the first hour of that event, I may just have to go in spite of myself.