A Whole New Me - Week 1
It has been one full week since the blinders came off, and I saw myself through the eyes of my wife and family for the first time.
I'm still not sleeping well, and it still feels very lonely at times; but being an active part of this family, taking charge of being the man of the house, and working each and every day to do all that I can to care for this family and showing my love and devotion to each and every one of them, has been very rewarding.
I know that Karen is probably waiting to see when I will run out of steam. I don't blame her if she is thinking that the changes she has seen in me are temporary, and that she's wondering how long it will be before I slip back into the routines of the old me. But it's not going to happen. I won't, I can't, let that ever happen. the changes that she is seeing me make in my life are very real, and very permanent (even if they are far too long overdue).
I view this opportunity as a chance to fight for my life. To fight for the heart of my wife. To fight for the right to be the father that my children deserve. And I'm going to win on all accounts. I cannot afford to fail.
I love my wife with all of my heart and soul. I not only love her, I am madly, and deeply, In-Love with her. I am willing to do anything that it takes to gain her trust and respect, and to win her love back again.
I know that I am on the right path. Twice, just this weekend alone, she has told me that she loves me when I tell her that I love her. There was one occasion, this past week, when I think she said it out of automatic habit of responding; but these past two times, she paused, thought about it, and responded, "I love you too."
But I have a long uphill battle ahead of me. She is closely guarding her heart, and rightly so. The more time that I have to reflect on things, the more I hate and despise the person that I have been to her in recent years. I have a lot of sins to atone for.
Working around the house, to better the living conditions of the entire family are a start (and the weird part is that I find that I actually enjoy doing them. I have a real sense of accomplishment and purpose); but I have to find ways to not only prove that I can be the dependable man that she has needed all along for this family, I also have to find ways to prove to her heart that there are benefits to opening up to loving me again.
I have to find ways to provide reasons for loving me again. I have to rekindle the friendship that was so strong in our beginnings that it led us to both fall in love. I believe that we have been doing that, but I need her to see what we have together the same way that I see it. That is going to take time. Lots of time and patience.
Karen and I will always have our fundamental differences on certain topics and beliefs, but we are so much more than that. We have far too much invested in this relationship, so many things about us that are so good for one another, that we cannot turn our backs on that now. We have a long and meaningful friendship, and deep intimate understanding of one another that has come from our covenantal marriage to one another.
I truly believe, and feel, that Karen is my other half. She is the person that completes me, and makes me whole.
Still, I am so afraid and alone right now. It is difficult at times. I just want to reach out to hold her, or to ask her to hold me. I miss cuddling, and having her kiss me. The lonliness is painful, but nothing compared to what it would be to lose her.
Like yesterday. Yesterday was Father's Day. I spent most of the day alone, cleaning the house (I got a lot accomplished, and feel really good about the work I have done. I greatly enjoyed cleaning the garage and the laundry room; not to mention getting rid of so much clutter and old clothes that I have no use for any more. The house is already starting to feel more livable.).
The only person that wished me a Happy father's Day on social media was my mother-in-law. Karen posted a Father's Day message on her mom's wall, but not mine. The card that Karen gave me made me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.
The card was addressed to "You," From "Me," and said, "Today is a good day to have a good day. Have a great Father's Day." I know I don't deserve it, but I suppose I was hoping for something a little more emotionally connected. "You're a good dad... The man I married, the father of our kids, etc..." Instead, I felt like I had been reduced to the level of a sperm donor, who happened to be the one that resulted in our children... so, happy father's day, sperm donor.
I have to trust in God, that this whole process and experience is His will to make me a better husband and father. His plan to provide my family with a better home and relationship with one another.
Already, we have begun to see the benefits of bonding together as a family. I have greatly enjoyed the extra amount of time that I spend with my children, and the time that Karen and I have spent together talking, or just being together.
I will not give up. I have faith and hope. This is all part of God's plan for us. And, I will emerge on the other side a better person, a better father, a better friend, and a BETTER HUSBAND.
#iwasblindbutnowisee
I'm still not sleeping well, and it still feels very lonely at times; but being an active part of this family, taking charge of being the man of the house, and working each and every day to do all that I can to care for this family and showing my love and devotion to each and every one of them, has been very rewarding.
I know that Karen is probably waiting to see when I will run out of steam. I don't blame her if she is thinking that the changes she has seen in me are temporary, and that she's wondering how long it will be before I slip back into the routines of the old me. But it's not going to happen. I won't, I can't, let that ever happen. the changes that she is seeing me make in my life are very real, and very permanent (even if they are far too long overdue).
I view this opportunity as a chance to fight for my life. To fight for the heart of my wife. To fight for the right to be the father that my children deserve. And I'm going to win on all accounts. I cannot afford to fail.
I love my wife with all of my heart and soul. I not only love her, I am madly, and deeply, In-Love with her. I am willing to do anything that it takes to gain her trust and respect, and to win her love back again.
I know that I am on the right path. Twice, just this weekend alone, she has told me that she loves me when I tell her that I love her. There was one occasion, this past week, when I think she said it out of automatic habit of responding; but these past two times, she paused, thought about it, and responded, "I love you too."
But I have a long uphill battle ahead of me. She is closely guarding her heart, and rightly so. The more time that I have to reflect on things, the more I hate and despise the person that I have been to her in recent years. I have a lot of sins to atone for.
Working around the house, to better the living conditions of the entire family are a start (and the weird part is that I find that I actually enjoy doing them. I have a real sense of accomplishment and purpose); but I have to find ways to not only prove that I can be the dependable man that she has needed all along for this family, I also have to find ways to prove to her heart that there are benefits to opening up to loving me again.
I have to find ways to provide reasons for loving me again. I have to rekindle the friendship that was so strong in our beginnings that it led us to both fall in love. I believe that we have been doing that, but I need her to see what we have together the same way that I see it. That is going to take time. Lots of time and patience.
Karen and I will always have our fundamental differences on certain topics and beliefs, but we are so much more than that. We have far too much invested in this relationship, so many things about us that are so good for one another, that we cannot turn our backs on that now. We have a long and meaningful friendship, and deep intimate understanding of one another that has come from our covenantal marriage to one another.
I truly believe, and feel, that Karen is my other half. She is the person that completes me, and makes me whole.
Still, I am so afraid and alone right now. It is difficult at times. I just want to reach out to hold her, or to ask her to hold me. I miss cuddling, and having her kiss me. The lonliness is painful, but nothing compared to what it would be to lose her.
Like yesterday. Yesterday was Father's Day. I spent most of the day alone, cleaning the house (I got a lot accomplished, and feel really good about the work I have done. I greatly enjoyed cleaning the garage and the laundry room; not to mention getting rid of so much clutter and old clothes that I have no use for any more. The house is already starting to feel more livable.).
The only person that wished me a Happy father's Day on social media was my mother-in-law. Karen posted a Father's Day message on her mom's wall, but not mine. The card that Karen gave me made me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.
The card was addressed to "You," From "Me," and said, "Today is a good day to have a good day. Have a great Father's Day." I know I don't deserve it, but I suppose I was hoping for something a little more emotionally connected. "You're a good dad... The man I married, the father of our kids, etc..." Instead, I felt like I had been reduced to the level of a sperm donor, who happened to be the one that resulted in our children... so, happy father's day, sperm donor.
I have to trust in God, that this whole process and experience is His will to make me a better husband and father. His plan to provide my family with a better home and relationship with one another.
Already, we have begun to see the benefits of bonding together as a family. I have greatly enjoyed the extra amount of time that I spend with my children, and the time that Karen and I have spent together talking, or just being together.
I will not give up. I have faith and hope. This is all part of God's plan for us. And, I will emerge on the other side a better person, a better father, a better friend, and a BETTER HUSBAND.
#iwasblindbutnowisee