nothing but broken all over again..
the words.. the words that she said were nothing but thousands of bullets straight through my heart. everything that she said, makes me feel ugly about myself. i am nothing to begin with. i am noone. the only thing i ever did when i was a kid was to rebel. everytime my dad stepped in, i wished he would have killed me on the spot. everytime my mother starts raising her voice, i wished i was already dead.
i can bravely say that my childhood is full of tears. tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of happiness and maybe, just maybe tears of disappointment. every morning, i go to school crying because i skip my morning prayers, or when i came home at 7 after practice, or when i want to play too much. i remembered spending most of my time crying alone in the room.
i cannot remember the reasons why i would cry or why i'm always the scape goat in the family. is it because i'm not good enough? that i'm not smart enough? or is it because my parents wanted me to be a boy and that because i turned out to be the only girl, i wasn't treated like a princess.
non of my friends whom i know gets beaten far too often. it's like, i'm the horse, trying to learn how to gallop. every single move that i made wrong, i was whipped so that i can learn my lesson. each time i learn a lesson, i'm taught different things. and everyday to me is something different because i get slapped, almost every day, or every weeek. my uniforms got packed in the red plastic bag, and my dad would bring it to work so i cannot go to school. that's probably because i didn't clean my room.
showering late into the nights have always been an issue and i have a really hard time trying not to do that. but each time i try, and i succeed, i fail another time and when i fail, it's too late to take it all back because fires will be shot. all i needed was 3 minutes.. 3 minutes for me to finish a game i was playing, and that three fateful minutes got me into tears... tears that's been shed for about an hour. these tears... these tears do not mean anything to my life anymore because i've shed far too many tears for as long as i've been living. each time i cry, i think about death and death scares me so much that all i wanna do is live but if living is such a toll, what other options do i have?
they were never given the treatment i was given. rude.. checked. but i was growing up. and everything had to go their way because deep down, i know that i'll never be as good as them academically. i'll always be the child who'd just pass her exams. nothing more, nothing less.
i can't continue.... but all i know is that, it really really hurts to be me, i swear. and i wished i wasn't the way i am because who i am, is really ugly.