When do i get to smile?
So the nightmare rides on. I went home after i found out for sure about my grandfather dying. The next day, my mom and I went to Baltimore. I cried... no problems there. I just felt guilty that most of my tears were spent thinking about how Josh is an asshole... and watching my dad cry. I miss my grandfather but he was 93. Its hard for me to be too upset. What more could I ask for?
I stayed until the end of the shiva, then i drove home, went to class, and drove back for the shiva the next night. Somewhere in the middle, i decided i needed to search josh for some answers. It wasn't that i've never had a random hook-up... its the future plans that through me for a loop. He kept talking about all of this stuff we had to do in the future like bike rides, going to the beach, and this party at his house. He also involved himself in my birthday plans completly unbenounced to me... but wow i was happy about it. He said he was leaving over the summer... so i was't thinking relationship... but he saw me on my birthday last year. He knows what a big deal they are to me. I figured he'd be able to come through if he involved himself. I didn't even put the heat on... I figured I have nothing to lose... so I e-mailed him:
Apr 4, 2006 12:21 PM
Subject: Because telepathy isn't my innate gift....
Body: So Im not quite sure how to say this But as a communicator by nature I have to say something so Im going right for the point
Ive always considered myself an excellent judge of character. You seem like an up front, lively and laid-back, quality guy. The other night has proven to be some sort of mind-fuck and I just need to set some things straight. Here is the source of the confusion:
I thought when you wanted to hang out on your birthday that it would be good to see a friend again on a fun night. I had a good time catching up, but I really dont know what to think when you start listing this fun stuff we need to do and then just flake out on my birthday of all days. Random college hookups happen weve all had them but they tend to lack thought in the future. I told you I liked you. Id had eyes on you since I met you. I think youre a rad individual and I really like being around you in any facet. Im not looking for commitment nor am I some strumpet that has nights like that all the time. Now, I dont know what to think. I just wanted to get to know you better as a friend or as whatever.
So Im here to set the record straight. Im not dense I get the point of your silence but for my own piece of mind I need to know what happened? Whats going through your mind?
~Lauren
from there, he wrote me back before the end of the day
From: Josh
Date: Apr 4, 2006 8:38 PM
Lauren,
Sorry about your birthday, it ended up being a motley kind of evening that took me all over the place. I should have called to let you know what was up.
I had alot of fun seeing you on the 29th, it was indeed good to catch up and reminded me that we need to see more of each other. It is important that you understand that i can be forgetful and discombobulated.
In regards to aspects of our friendship that are more than plutonic, i know neither of us is looking for anything serious, so i am willing to leave that up to our own spontaniety.
I am busy this weekend but if you are free thursday i may be as well. Get back to me when you have time. And i appoligise for spelling errors, if it were not for spell checker i would have failed out of school.
Peace,
Josh Kaplan
I was supposed to go to the coldplay show last nite... but i put myself on standby. I kinda needed a night to sit on my ass... especially with a long day after my radio show. I also secretly hoped in the back of my mind that he'd call... but by this point i'm kinda realizing that its done. I know it, but i don't want to admit it to myself. I secretly hope that people with surprise me. People never surprise me.
Anyway I ended up going to coldplay and I had a great time and I'm so glad that I went. Tonight is oakenfold and tomorrow is to pittsburgh for mac's hocky game.
Of course on the way home from school today I was walking from the subway and I was entranced by this article in time magazine on the boston strangler. I tripped on a curb and fell and scraped my hands and my knees all up. it really sucked. I took some advil so the pain is minimal... but i wanted to start crying... then i saw josh walking up south street with 2 friends. I didn't say anything to him then either. I could hear his voice though... and it made me uneasy.
So in addition to my grandfather dying on my birthday, i'm putting up with an asshole boy crush of over a year, i'm graduating and everyone is asking me what i'm doing and its really putting some heat on me... cuz i don't know... and i wanna know... but their asking just makes me feel worse about this bitch of a battle, plus i go to court on monday for the bottle throwing drama.
2006- best year ever
till next sign-
I stayed until the end of the shiva, then i drove home, went to class, and drove back for the shiva the next night. Somewhere in the middle, i decided i needed to search josh for some answers. It wasn't that i've never had a random hook-up... its the future plans that through me for a loop. He kept talking about all of this stuff we had to do in the future like bike rides, going to the beach, and this party at his house. He also involved himself in my birthday plans completly unbenounced to me... but wow i was happy about it. He said he was leaving over the summer... so i was't thinking relationship... but he saw me on my birthday last year. He knows what a big deal they are to me. I figured he'd be able to come through if he involved himself. I didn't even put the heat on... I figured I have nothing to lose... so I e-mailed him:
Apr 4, 2006 12:21 PM
Subject: Because telepathy isn't my innate gift....
Body: So Im not quite sure how to say this But as a communicator by nature I have to say something so Im going right for the point
Ive always considered myself an excellent judge of character. You seem like an up front, lively and laid-back, quality guy. The other night has proven to be some sort of mind-fuck and I just need to set some things straight. Here is the source of the confusion:
I thought when you wanted to hang out on your birthday that it would be good to see a friend again on a fun night. I had a good time catching up, but I really dont know what to think when you start listing this fun stuff we need to do and then just flake out on my birthday of all days. Random college hookups happen weve all had them but they tend to lack thought in the future. I told you I liked you. Id had eyes on you since I met you. I think youre a rad individual and I really like being around you in any facet. Im not looking for commitment nor am I some strumpet that has nights like that all the time. Now, I dont know what to think. I just wanted to get to know you better as a friend or as whatever.
So Im here to set the record straight. Im not dense I get the point of your silence but for my own piece of mind I need to know what happened? Whats going through your mind?
~Lauren
from there, he wrote me back before the end of the day
From: Josh
Date: Apr 4, 2006 8:38 PM
Lauren,
Sorry about your birthday, it ended up being a motley kind of evening that took me all over the place. I should have called to let you know what was up.
I had alot of fun seeing you on the 29th, it was indeed good to catch up and reminded me that we need to see more of each other. It is important that you understand that i can be forgetful and discombobulated.
In regards to aspects of our friendship that are more than plutonic, i know neither of us is looking for anything serious, so i am willing to leave that up to our own spontaniety.
I am busy this weekend but if you are free thursday i may be as well. Get back to me when you have time. And i appoligise for spelling errors, if it were not for spell checker i would have failed out of school.
Peace,
Josh Kaplan
I was supposed to go to the coldplay show last nite... but i put myself on standby. I kinda needed a night to sit on my ass... especially with a long day after my radio show. I also secretly hoped in the back of my mind that he'd call... but by this point i'm kinda realizing that its done. I know it, but i don't want to admit it to myself. I secretly hope that people with surprise me. People never surprise me.
Anyway I ended up going to coldplay and I had a great time and I'm so glad that I went. Tonight is oakenfold and tomorrow is to pittsburgh for mac's hocky game.
Of course on the way home from school today I was walking from the subway and I was entranced by this article in time magazine on the boston strangler. I tripped on a curb and fell and scraped my hands and my knees all up. it really sucked. I took some advil so the pain is minimal... but i wanted to start crying... then i saw josh walking up south street with 2 friends. I didn't say anything to him then either. I could hear his voice though... and it made me uneasy.
So in addition to my grandfather dying on my birthday, i'm putting up with an asshole boy crush of over a year, i'm graduating and everyone is asking me what i'm doing and its really putting some heat on me... cuz i don't know... and i wanna know... but their asking just makes me feel worse about this bitch of a battle, plus i go to court on monday for the bottle throwing drama.
2006- best year ever
till next sign-