the breakdown
So i've felt it comming... boiling up while im driving and listening to a particularly sentimental diddy.... but im strong... i push it down. I've felt it in talking with friends... but again deep breath and eyes opened wide... i'm okay. I can do this. I've talked about it before... i've thought it about it non-stop since spring break has ended (i'll backsell a bit in a while. hold your horses). Finally today I lost it. I hate losing it. Especially in public. It wasn't an intentional thing. I didn't want to lose it. I tried so hard to keep it together but it was like some knee-jerk reaction that I had no control over. Graduation is approaching... and in a month and a half I am going to be considered an adult that needs to do adult thing... and talk like an adult... and dress like an adult... and find something to fill up my time (like a big kid job) like an adult... and i need to sit in a cubicle when its 80 degrees and sunshiney outside like an adult... and i need to take lunch breaks like an adult... and i need to slowly change the world... even though i'm majorly doubting myself... cuz thats what adults do. The problem arises in that i'm almost 22 and i still sleep with my blankees. I like going to concerts and jumping up and down. I wanna putz around and play with my friends and go on road trips and eat water ice under a big shady tree in the heat of the summer to stay cool. I'm almost an adult... but i don't think i could be further from ready.
I got tickets from WIP for the sixers game... and i took my mom... of course... cuz thats what we do. She's my b-ball buddy. She took me out for dinner first which was incredible cuz im so broke its not even funny until my birthday in a little over a week. She got me drinking and started asking me about my plans after school... do i want to stay here or move... where would i move... what do i want to do.... and for some reason i just started crying... sobbing... and trying so hard to hold it back. I'm not ready for this!!! I didn't even pick the right major!!! I don't want to do communications!!! I wanna be a lawyer... or a detective, or a secret agent... or something... but i don't wanna communicate. I think she thought it was about money. She always thinks its about money. She said she'd pay for grad school... or for me to get another major... or for whatever it takes... and i appreciate it... i have always appreciated it. I have it so easy and I know that.... and i sincerely appreciate it... but the line has to be drawn somewhere...and it has to be drawn soon. I can't mooch off them anymore. When Chris graduated, he came home, got a job, worked it, got another job and moved, married, had 2.2 kids, a big stucko house on a 1 acre lot, an SUV and a mercedes... cuz its safe... and he called it a day. I don't know what the fuck i'm going to do. I'm not going to lose my insurence... or my cell phone... or my car... or my apartment... and its all cuz my parents are incredible people. I will feel awful about it though. Absolutly god awful.
The Sixers beat Atlanta. Who didn't see that comming?
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So now going back to where I last left off... Mardi Gras rocked. I went with Kristin and Elle and we danced and had fun. I met a guy and he turned out to be a charity case... so i got him to go away after a few days. Justin stopped by and it was great to see him as always.
I went to Vegas with Rosalie on Spring break. It was a great time. I have a lot of fun with that girl and we never run out of stuff to talk about. It won't be the Spring Break of my life... I think the previous year has that title... but i definitly enjoyed myself.
St. Patricks day was fun too... dressed in green and hung out with Sarah, Scott, Rosalie, Kristin, Elle, Kelly, Nichalo etc... and we danced and drank and drank and drank. I met 2 guys and made out with them both. One was especially clingy though. He was really hot and seemed like a nice guy so i took it as a good sign. Turns out he's a bit of an asshole... and i finally put him in his place. I can always say that on St Patricks day... in a shirt that says 'Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced', i kissed a boy named Shane Donnely. How... irish!
Roaches are becomming a lovely problem again. I think the caulking may have fixed it... but i've seen 3 stragglers over the past few weeks which is 3 too many if you ask me. People say there water bugs.... palmetto bugs... newsflash people... according to google... they're all roaches so go to hell and give me the can of raid.
I may be going to Israel. thats in the books too.
The troops are filing out of Philly and I'm wondering if I want to stick around. Word on the street is that my dad has developed a heart condition. His stress test is soon so im not gonna panic yet... but how could I move away knowing that he's in trouble. Also, the mom keeps looking older and older. Kinda worries me. I don't know what i'd do without them. The other part of me is like if i'm going to leave it needs to be now... San Francisco, New Orleans, Austin... all viable options as in LA... but only with a job. I'm apparently quite expensive on the up-keep and as snobby as i feel saying it... i've been bred into a certain lifestyle where i'd really miss the luxuries. Don't make them go away!
Other than that... i've been nauseatingly reminiscent in both activities, and old crushes. I plan on rehashing some old crushes... just to put my mind at ease. I keep thinking that its time for a boyfriend... but then i think about it more and i'm really just wanting someone to sleep in my bed with me at nite to warm me up and tell me that i'll be okay. I don't need a boy for that.
Thats all for now...
I got tickets from WIP for the sixers game... and i took my mom... of course... cuz thats what we do. She's my b-ball buddy. She took me out for dinner first which was incredible cuz im so broke its not even funny until my birthday in a little over a week. She got me drinking and started asking me about my plans after school... do i want to stay here or move... where would i move... what do i want to do.... and for some reason i just started crying... sobbing... and trying so hard to hold it back. I'm not ready for this!!! I didn't even pick the right major!!! I don't want to do communications!!! I wanna be a lawyer... or a detective, or a secret agent... or something... but i don't wanna communicate. I think she thought it was about money. She always thinks its about money. She said she'd pay for grad school... or for me to get another major... or for whatever it takes... and i appreciate it... i have always appreciated it. I have it so easy and I know that.... and i sincerely appreciate it... but the line has to be drawn somewhere...and it has to be drawn soon. I can't mooch off them anymore. When Chris graduated, he came home, got a job, worked it, got another job and moved, married, had 2.2 kids, a big stucko house on a 1 acre lot, an SUV and a mercedes... cuz its safe... and he called it a day. I don't know what the fuck i'm going to do. I'm not going to lose my insurence... or my cell phone... or my car... or my apartment... and its all cuz my parents are incredible people. I will feel awful about it though. Absolutly god awful.
The Sixers beat Atlanta. Who didn't see that comming?
__________________________________________
So now going back to where I last left off... Mardi Gras rocked. I went with Kristin and Elle and we danced and had fun. I met a guy and he turned out to be a charity case... so i got him to go away after a few days. Justin stopped by and it was great to see him as always.
I went to Vegas with Rosalie on Spring break. It was a great time. I have a lot of fun with that girl and we never run out of stuff to talk about. It won't be the Spring Break of my life... I think the previous year has that title... but i definitly enjoyed myself.
St. Patricks day was fun too... dressed in green and hung out with Sarah, Scott, Rosalie, Kristin, Elle, Kelly, Nichalo etc... and we danced and drank and drank and drank. I met 2 guys and made out with them both. One was especially clingy though. He was really hot and seemed like a nice guy so i took it as a good sign. Turns out he's a bit of an asshole... and i finally put him in his place. I can always say that on St Patricks day... in a shirt that says 'Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced', i kissed a boy named Shane Donnely. How... irish!
Roaches are becomming a lovely problem again. I think the caulking may have fixed it... but i've seen 3 stragglers over the past few weeks which is 3 too many if you ask me. People say there water bugs.... palmetto bugs... newsflash people... according to google... they're all roaches so go to hell and give me the can of raid.
I may be going to Israel. thats in the books too.
The troops are filing out of Philly and I'm wondering if I want to stick around. Word on the street is that my dad has developed a heart condition. His stress test is soon so im not gonna panic yet... but how could I move away knowing that he's in trouble. Also, the mom keeps looking older and older. Kinda worries me. I don't know what i'd do without them. The other part of me is like if i'm going to leave it needs to be now... San Francisco, New Orleans, Austin... all viable options as in LA... but only with a job. I'm apparently quite expensive on the up-keep and as snobby as i feel saying it... i've been bred into a certain lifestyle where i'd really miss the luxuries. Don't make them go away!
Other than that... i've been nauseatingly reminiscent in both activities, and old crushes. I plan on rehashing some old crushes... just to put my mind at ease. I keep thinking that its time for a boyfriend... but then i think about it more and i'm really just wanting someone to sleep in my bed with me at nite to warm me up and tell me that i'll be okay. I don't need a boy for that.
Thats all for now...