I got a gal in Kalamazoo..
I don't know what makes me keep coming back to this journal. I read through ALL my old entries this week and DAMN it's so funny how much I've grown up. The problems I used to have, my God, so mundane and insignificant. Of course, they didn't feel insignificant at the time. I've come to the conclusion that repression is my main defense mechanism. All those horrible things that happened to me, I would have completely forgotten about if I hadn't just read about them. It's like reading a novel and forgetting that I'm the main character. Such an odd feeling. In any case, things happened the way they happened and I am who I am today because of it.
So here I am. In a coffee shop in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Enjoying my iced chai and trying to figure out how I let so many years of my life pass me by. I feel like I've been jaded for so long. Now that I'm thinking about it, jaded is the EXACT word. Bored, unenthused, dull. Not that I don't have a lot to be happy about. John has been the most wonderful addition to my life in I-don't-know how long. A real love. Someone who I can truly see myself with forever [whatever that means]. His family has become my own and I've met some really awesome people out here. And it's not that I'm not happy, I think I'm just bored. I feel like I know I'm supposed to do something better with my life, and I'm not. I work a shitty job, with shitty pay. And although it's doing something I love, it's not what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to do something great and have a real sense of pride in my life. I don't have that now. My whole plan [grad school, amazing job, white picket fence!] has done a complete 360. No grad school, no white picket fence. I'm just trying to find a way to pay my freakin student loans! Faaaaaaccckkkk.
My weight has also been fluctuating with how my mood is. NJ- skinny, VA- fat, MI [then]- skinny, MI [now]- fat. Well, not so much skinny, but I've been gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds for a year now. So annoying. I've struggled with my weight and self esteem for years, so I know if I could just grow some balls and stop being such an asshole I could probably take the weight off for good and maybe finally feel good about myself. And let's not forget that I really do need to start giving a shit about my health. And that whole feeling good thing. Because I know that feeling good about myself equals confidence and confidence equals opportunity and opportunity equals success and ultimately happiness. Run on sentence. Sorry. I'm pretty sure 90% of the thoughts in my head are run on sentences and ramblings. FOCUS, Allie.
I feel like all my entries are vague. I need to organize my thoughts. Pretty sure if I actually told someone what's going on in my head they'd think I was nuts.
Perhaps my next entry will come sooner than a year from now??
So here I am. In a coffee shop in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Enjoying my iced chai and trying to figure out how I let so many years of my life pass me by. I feel like I've been jaded for so long. Now that I'm thinking about it, jaded is the EXACT word. Bored, unenthused, dull. Not that I don't have a lot to be happy about. John has been the most wonderful addition to my life in I-don't-know how long. A real love. Someone who I can truly see myself with forever [whatever that means]. His family has become my own and I've met some really awesome people out here. And it's not that I'm not happy, I think I'm just bored. I feel like I know I'm supposed to do something better with my life, and I'm not. I work a shitty job, with shitty pay. And although it's doing something I love, it's not what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to do something great and have a real sense of pride in my life. I don't have that now. My whole plan [grad school, amazing job, white picket fence!] has done a complete 360. No grad school, no white picket fence. I'm just trying to find a way to pay my freakin student loans! Faaaaaaccckkkk.
My weight has also been fluctuating with how my mood is. NJ- skinny, VA- fat, MI [then]- skinny, MI [now]- fat. Well, not so much skinny, but I've been gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds for a year now. So annoying. I've struggled with my weight and self esteem for years, so I know if I could just grow some balls and stop being such an asshole I could probably take the weight off for good and maybe finally feel good about myself. And let's not forget that I really do need to start giving a shit about my health. And that whole feeling good thing. Because I know that feeling good about myself equals confidence and confidence equals opportunity and opportunity equals success and ultimately happiness. Run on sentence. Sorry. I'm pretty sure 90% of the thoughts in my head are run on sentences and ramblings. FOCUS, Allie.
I feel like all my entries are vague. I need to organize my thoughts. Pretty sure if I actually told someone what's going on in my head they'd think I was nuts.
Perhaps my next entry will come sooner than a year from now??