independence day
why do i carry a torch for this boy? why do i hold him in the highest regard? why do i put him on this golden pedestal when he has given me no reason to believe he belongs there?
he's a hypocrite. he's slipped from the high place i keep him on. i've lost respect for him that i don't think he'll ever gain back. sure he's hurt me, but the whole time i've never disrespected his life and the choices he's made. until now.
for once in my life i would just LOVE to know why. all i know now is that i don't want to play therapist to him anymore; i have neither the time nor mental and emotional space left for it. after all, in the end, he's going to do whatever he wants to do no matter what i say to him, so why bother coming to me in the first place? i plan on not taking his calls, if the caller id ever happens to show his name. i also plan on taking a hiatus from supporting him and his talent because it means nothing to him, it never did.
i think today i'm realizing who he REALLY is. i always thought he was complacent and indecisive, but it's 10 fold now. i couldn't stomach being there last night watching him pretend to care about her knowing all the shit that he used to call me for. i wonder if guys are really THAT oblivious. how are you going to call someone who you KNOW was in love with you for advice on what to do. do they even know the billion tiny pieces they break your heart into?
i always wondered why it was never me. i always wanted it to be me. i tell him that he must care about me if he still talks to me after all the shit i've put him through (and vice versa), and he said, "it says SOMETHING"....but what that something is, i have no idea. so, in this situation, i think it's best for me to disappear for a while. not like he'll notice because he's caught up in his pseudo-happiness and his "i'm going to marry her" bliss that I know will be short lived. it seems the only decision he seems to stick to is the one that has him saying he doesn't want to be with me. if only he was as fickle with that thought as he is with everything else in his life, maybe i'd feel better.
someday he'll realize what the hell he did to me and it'll be too late, because i'll be gone; i'm already 1/2 way there.
he's a hypocrite. he's slipped from the high place i keep him on. i've lost respect for him that i don't think he'll ever gain back. sure he's hurt me, but the whole time i've never disrespected his life and the choices he's made. until now.
for once in my life i would just LOVE to know why. all i know now is that i don't want to play therapist to him anymore; i have neither the time nor mental and emotional space left for it. after all, in the end, he's going to do whatever he wants to do no matter what i say to him, so why bother coming to me in the first place? i plan on not taking his calls, if the caller id ever happens to show his name. i also plan on taking a hiatus from supporting him and his talent because it means nothing to him, it never did.
i think today i'm realizing who he REALLY is. i always thought he was complacent and indecisive, but it's 10 fold now. i couldn't stomach being there last night watching him pretend to care about her knowing all the shit that he used to call me for. i wonder if guys are really THAT oblivious. how are you going to call someone who you KNOW was in love with you for advice on what to do. do they even know the billion tiny pieces they break your heart into?
i always wondered why it was never me. i always wanted it to be me. i tell him that he must care about me if he still talks to me after all the shit i've put him through (and vice versa), and he said, "it says SOMETHING"....but what that something is, i have no idea. so, in this situation, i think it's best for me to disappear for a while. not like he'll notice because he's caught up in his pseudo-happiness and his "i'm going to marry her" bliss that I know will be short lived. it seems the only decision he seems to stick to is the one that has him saying he doesn't want to be with me. if only he was as fickle with that thought as he is with everything else in his life, maybe i'd feel better.
someday he'll realize what the hell he did to me and it'll be too late, because i'll be gone; i'm already 1/2 way there.