We've got some catching up to do, life.
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way...
And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you...
And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray, and the sun will set for you.
I can't believe I haven't taken a few moments out of my day to write in this thing for so long. I can write things here unlike what I write on MySpace. People read it there, and sometimes I think it's best to just write something without the thought that people will be looking at it. I can't believe I haven't written in here to say that I am now engaged to most likely the best girl I've ever been with. Even if she is stupid enough to let me put a ring on her finger. That and, well, she's the mother of my child. Yeah, I'm a dad. Three months old, and I haven't really written anything concrete about her. Her name is Cambria Jade and while she is an energetic little demon, she's one of two reasons I wake up in the morning. It's been nice having someone next to me every morning, even if sometimes we fight. I can be kind of a terribly abrasive asshole. I really need to work on that. I want to be a good father, a good husband, a good son, a good brother. Somedays I just feel like strangling people. And I lash out and mistreat the people closest to me. I've finally found a roommate who isn't a drain on me, and he happens to be Sophie's best friend. We have fun. Drinking and hanging out is nice. Being a father is so much harder than I ever imagined. I don't know if I can get used to this sedentary lifestyle. I feel domesticated. Somedays, I miss being fun and carefree. Don't get me wrong, being a dad and having a serious relationship aren't something I want to give up on, I just get a little nostalgic for the days of old when I just smoked and drank and hung out and partied and had not a care in the world. The thing was, I went to sleep empty and feeling alone every night back then. Now I feel a bit more complete. I feel like I have a purpose. We're moving to Kentucky this summer. Sophie's family lives there. She wants to go back to school, and I fully support her decision to help make a better life for this family. I plan to go to school, I think I will major in music production or whatever the actual term is and minor in business. I hope to open up a recording studio/record store some day. That'd be a pretty awesome thing to have. I think Cami would be pretty happy with a dad as cool as that. Haha. And a mom who's a shrink. Yeah, as weird as it is to be 22 and have all this on my plate, I feel like I could get to used to owning a home, working my ass off, and having a family. I'm a little scared to move so far away from home. I'll miss a few of my friends and of course my mother. I just started talking to my sister again after 8 months of her completely breaking contact with me and mom. It's nice that she got to meet her niece before we move away. I'm really a lot more nervous about that than I let on. I hope I'll be okay. It's like moving to another planet when you go away from home, I'm sure of it. I just have to get myself and my daughter away from this god-awful place for awhile. Such an ugly place this can be. Skanky children, scummy people, rude, impolite, disrespectful, selfish assholes. It's just going to be nice to get away for a few years. I've been enjoying things as much as I can, and I hope to have as much fun as possible before I kiss this desert goodbye. We get out when we can, party it up when possible. Karaoke is fun and is a nice escape at the end of the week. I just want to still enjoy my life. I want to be living proof that you can be a good parent and still have a fun, active social life. I really didn't think I'd be here though. I don't talk to some of my best friends. I won't name names, but I'm really upset and disappointed to be in this position. Someone who I thought I'd be friends with for years and years to come has all but completely left everyone behind. And I suppose a new life was what they needed as well. Perhaps it will be better in the end. Hopefully they find what they're looking for. A true love, a purpose, financial stability... I hope it will come to them. I hope the last two will come to me as well, I already have the first one. I'm terrified I'm fucking that up like I always do. I broke her trust, I fucked up and mistreated her, was dishonest, disrespectful, mean, hurtful. Why do I always fucking do this? I want to be that sweet, charming little boy I know exists within me. Why can't I let him out? What the fuck am I so scared of? She deserves better. I hope I can figure out how to give her the life she deserves, and the man she deserves, before I lose her completely. Not just because I want my daughter to have a family that loves each other, but because I want that as well. It's just been a mindfuck these last couple months. This last year has been the biggest change of all. Getting engaged, having a child, moving away from home soon... Well, I think I'm done here... I should probably go do something to cheer me up, or at least relax a little while the baby sleeps.
Goodnight, journal.
And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you...
And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray, and the sun will set for you.
I can't believe I haven't taken a few moments out of my day to write in this thing for so long. I can write things here unlike what I write on MySpace. People read it there, and sometimes I think it's best to just write something without the thought that people will be looking at it. I can't believe I haven't written in here to say that I am now engaged to most likely the best girl I've ever been with. Even if she is stupid enough to let me put a ring on her finger. That and, well, she's the mother of my child. Yeah, I'm a dad. Three months old, and I haven't really written anything concrete about her. Her name is Cambria Jade and while she is an energetic little demon, she's one of two reasons I wake up in the morning. It's been nice having someone next to me every morning, even if sometimes we fight. I can be kind of a terribly abrasive asshole. I really need to work on that. I want to be a good father, a good husband, a good son, a good brother. Somedays I just feel like strangling people. And I lash out and mistreat the people closest to me. I've finally found a roommate who isn't a drain on me, and he happens to be Sophie's best friend. We have fun. Drinking and hanging out is nice. Being a father is so much harder than I ever imagined. I don't know if I can get used to this sedentary lifestyle. I feel domesticated. Somedays, I miss being fun and carefree. Don't get me wrong, being a dad and having a serious relationship aren't something I want to give up on, I just get a little nostalgic for the days of old when I just smoked and drank and hung out and partied and had not a care in the world. The thing was, I went to sleep empty and feeling alone every night back then. Now I feel a bit more complete. I feel like I have a purpose. We're moving to Kentucky this summer. Sophie's family lives there. She wants to go back to school, and I fully support her decision to help make a better life for this family. I plan to go to school, I think I will major in music production or whatever the actual term is and minor in business. I hope to open up a recording studio/record store some day. That'd be a pretty awesome thing to have. I think Cami would be pretty happy with a dad as cool as that. Haha. And a mom who's a shrink. Yeah, as weird as it is to be 22 and have all this on my plate, I feel like I could get to used to owning a home, working my ass off, and having a family. I'm a little scared to move so far away from home. I'll miss a few of my friends and of course my mother. I just started talking to my sister again after 8 months of her completely breaking contact with me and mom. It's nice that she got to meet her niece before we move away. I'm really a lot more nervous about that than I let on. I hope I'll be okay. It's like moving to another planet when you go away from home, I'm sure of it. I just have to get myself and my daughter away from this god-awful place for awhile. Such an ugly place this can be. Skanky children, scummy people, rude, impolite, disrespectful, selfish assholes. It's just going to be nice to get away for a few years. I've been enjoying things as much as I can, and I hope to have as much fun as possible before I kiss this desert goodbye. We get out when we can, party it up when possible. Karaoke is fun and is a nice escape at the end of the week. I just want to still enjoy my life. I want to be living proof that you can be a good parent and still have a fun, active social life. I really didn't think I'd be here though. I don't talk to some of my best friends. I won't name names, but I'm really upset and disappointed to be in this position. Someone who I thought I'd be friends with for years and years to come has all but completely left everyone behind. And I suppose a new life was what they needed as well. Perhaps it will be better in the end. Hopefully they find what they're looking for. A true love, a purpose, financial stability... I hope it will come to them. I hope the last two will come to me as well, I already have the first one. I'm terrified I'm fucking that up like I always do. I broke her trust, I fucked up and mistreated her, was dishonest, disrespectful, mean, hurtful. Why do I always fucking do this? I want to be that sweet, charming little boy I know exists within me. Why can't I let him out? What the fuck am I so scared of? She deserves better. I hope I can figure out how to give her the life she deserves, and the man she deserves, before I lose her completely. Not just because I want my daughter to have a family that loves each other, but because I want that as well. It's just been a mindfuck these last couple months. This last year has been the biggest change of all. Getting engaged, having a child, moving away from home soon... Well, I think I'm done here... I should probably go do something to cheer me up, or at least relax a little while the baby sleeps.
Goodnight, journal.