What YOU dont need...heartlifeSeptember 25 2005, 12:45:35 UTC
Citizen-R, Happy you came up for some fucking relational air. Guess i never got the heavy stuff from you that you now feel you've got pay-back coming for.
The irony of this (way overdue) invite from you today is, in my case, much more subtle, though no less a matter of having caused a worthy "other" some real sadness.
You treated me the one way you say here you "don't need" to be treated, namely "ignored and left wondering". You're sick and tired of that and so now its time to talk, time to leave the dark you left me in.
Ok.
Can't blame you.
I'd rather practice the wound of love than indulge an edgy rant full of the twisted irony my sadness-turned vacant indifference is clambering to hammer you with. But your disappearing act really sucked. You totally flaked and blew off a lot of trust and support that we had build over long periods of deep open exploration: running the edges together (of life, relationship, consciousness, evolution, physics, chemistry...etc.) you just took a turn when i wasn't looking and never came back/caught up/ or sent word.
I can blame you.
But you, like any/all, are always free to do/be what you are/must....and so it was for you to rise back up and cross my radar again.
And so you have.
Ok, cool.
"Wound of love". Did I say that? Hmmm,... too dramatic? Maybe..... er, um....no. Man, you were like a fucking BROTHER to me. But that's just something beautiful and stupid about me: just opening up and let'em in. That's for me to deal with: letting online relationships mean more to me than they do, so it seems/you proved, to others.
Ok, so anyway..... Its like this now: i'm consciously choosing to play this win-win for us both.....the best i know how. You finally open up again and dare to feel what all the self-imploded, ego-free-fall does to those who care(d) and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and do my part: to dare to just feel the wound of your disregarded and now casual reapearance withOUT retaliating, withdrawing myself or punishing. "Do my work" which I see is to love anyway. You're giving me the chance to demonstrate that love never stops for us when we feel UNloved by others but only when we ourselves make the mistake of allowing our hurt/anger/whatever to convince us to stop, ourselves, BEING love itself.d After-all, do we all not need to give a bit more of what we are dying here for apparent lack of?...empathy, humility, mutuality, cooperation, tolerance ....etc.?! And then, all personal practice aside, the chance that you might actually be reemerging and really ready for a deeper connection....on the other side of thatever-the-fuck-that-private-silent-idaho was about.... well man, that's could brighten-up even this dreary Moscow autumn flu I'm shrouded within.
So yeah mother-fucker *smirks*... More than just standing up and getting your "upcomings" or whatever like the man i once credited you as being, show up ANEW....with all that heart and brilliant mind you had shone (and then shined-on).
Appreciate you daring to deal with here, the implications that your own impulse/motion to evolve is inherently connected to those for whom you matter, who you reached out for and whose support you cherished.
Like Rumi said: There's a place there just outside of all ideas of right and wrong. Meet me there!
So thanks for showing up again. Tell me what you understand of why, at least in our connection, your just totally blew me/us off. No excuses, no defense (i never presumed to judge you or know what's right for you to do/not do), no story...just what you understand of why you needed to do that. And then its done. And I am ready again.
And then return...no, "forward escape" into the new US, new friendship, brotherhood, humanhood, transcendental mystery of being....being herenow....
....together.
*backs up to rear of digital Tipi, folds arms across chest, goes silent....waits to see*
Happy you came up for some fucking relational air. Guess i never got the heavy stuff from you that you now feel you've got pay-back coming for.
The irony of this (way overdue) invite from you today is, in my case, much more subtle, though no less a matter of having caused a worthy "other" some real sadness.
You treated me the one way you say here you "don't need" to be treated, namely "ignored and left wondering". You're sick and tired of that and so now its time to talk, time to leave the dark you left me in.
Ok.
Can't blame you.
I'd rather practice the wound of love than indulge an edgy rant full of the twisted irony my sadness-turned vacant indifference is clambering to hammer you with. But your disappearing act really sucked. You totally flaked and blew off a lot of trust and support that we had build over long periods of deep open exploration: running the edges together (of life, relationship, consciousness, evolution, physics, chemistry...etc.) you just took a turn when i wasn't looking and never came back/caught up/ or sent word.
I can blame you.
But you, like any/all, are always free to do/be what you are/must....and so it was for you to rise back up and cross my radar again.
And so you have.
Ok, cool.
"Wound of love". Did I say that? Hmmm,... too dramatic? Maybe..... er, um....no.
Man, you were like a fucking BROTHER to me. But that's just something beautiful and stupid about me: just opening up and let'em in. That's for me to deal with: letting online relationships mean more to me than they do, so it seems/you proved, to others.
Ok, so anyway..... Its like this now: i'm consciously choosing to play this win-win for us both.....the best i know how. You finally open up again and dare to feel what all the self-imploded, ego-free-fall does to those who care(d) and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and do my part: to dare to just feel the wound of your disregarded and now casual reapearance withOUT retaliating, withdrawing myself or punishing. "Do my work" which I see is to love anyway. You're giving me the chance to demonstrate that love never stops for us when we feel UNloved by others but only when we ourselves make the mistake of allowing our hurt/anger/whatever to convince us to stop, ourselves, BEING love itself.d After-all, do we all not need to give a bit more of what we are dying here for apparent lack of?...empathy, humility, mutuality, cooperation, tolerance ....etc.?! And then, all personal practice aside, the chance that you might actually be reemerging and really ready for a deeper connection....on the other side of thatever-the-fuck-that-private-silent-idaho was about.... well man, that's could brighten-up even this dreary Moscow autumn flu I'm shrouded within.
So yeah mother-fucker *smirks*... More than just standing up and getting your "upcomings" or whatever like the man i once credited you as being, show up ANEW....with all that heart and brilliant mind you had shone (and then shined-on).
Appreciate you daring to deal with here, the implications that your own impulse/motion to evolve is inherently connected to those for whom you matter, who you reached out for and whose support you cherished.
Like Rumi said: There's a place there just outside of all ideas of right and wrong. Meet me there!
So thanks for showing up again.
Tell me what you understand of why, at least in our connection, your just totally blew me/us off.
No excuses, no defense (i never presumed to judge you or know what's right for you to do/not do), no story...just what you understand of why you needed to do that.
And then its done.
And I am ready again.
And then return...no, "forward escape" into the new US, new friendship, brotherhood, humanhood, transcendental mystery of being....being herenow....
....together.
*backs up to rear of digital Tipi, folds arms across chest, goes silent....waits to see*
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