(no subject)
I wrote a letter to my asshole dad that i will send out Monday
...
I thought about calling him up and telling him what a peice of shit he is... but I knew if I called him, I would get all worked up and not say everything that I want
so here goes....
My mind had been running in circles these last three weeks. I've been feeling disapointed, frustrated, outraged and numb. All the feelings that have consumed me everytime you have crossed my mind in the past few years. I've been trying to think of some good memories that i have of you and I to somehow even out all the bad ones, but even as I write this I still can not think of one. I want to share with you though some that come to mind right away.
My first clear memory of you is when we lived in Hawaii. You were supposed to pick me up so I could spend the weekend with you as always, and you never showed up. My mom took me to your house and we were greeted by a couple dozed half naked ladies running around. If I recall right, my mom took me home and I did not spend that weekend with you.
Then there was the summer that you moved to Danville from Hawaii. I was six or seven and you told me to run my own bathwater, so I did. When I came out of the bathroom, you and your friend were sitting around the dining room table smoking pot. Of course at the time I had no idea what it was, but I remember the nervousness on both of your faces. Reflecting on it now I undedrstand why I was "shoo'd" away so quickly. I would have said something and everyone that knows you and your discust for cigerettes would have known you were smoking pot around your six year old daughter. I actually remember smoking cigerettes with the neighbors down stairs in the garage that summer.
So summer after summer I come to see you with much anticipation. Promises of my own dirt bike, fun vacations and kittens consumed me. Instead I got to meet each one of your new girlfriends. One of which accused me of purposly locking a door so her disabled sister could not get to her seizure meds. You went along with it and I was grounded for a few days. I believe i was 9? Another one takes me hiking only to tell me that my mother and father were never married and that i was a bastard. 11? You go along with it. To top off all my wonderful memories of your girlfriends, my favorite one was when I got to lay in a bed next to another bed in which you were fucking.
Do not get me wrong though, they were not all that bad. Some of them helped my mom buy my school supplies and school cloths. Lord knows my mom coulndt buy them with the 80 somthing dollars you sent in child support every month. That is, when you decided that you would even pay that much.
How about the time I called you a jerk and you hung me agianst the wall by my face? Fun times, Eh? Remember when you got really drunk three years ago and beat the shit out of me? You choked me and beat me in the head with a tv remote. The next day you came home and apologized to Theresa. Not me or Amanda. But theresa told us how sorry you felt. I felt bad for you. YOU beat ME up and I felt bad for you. I've always felt bad for you. Ive always felt bad for you no matter what you did to me or my mom or anyone else, Ive always felt bad for you. Whenever I was mad at you or felt anything negative towards you, i felt bad. Ove always tried to forgive you. Give you one more chance to show that you know how to act like a dad.
So then two years ago when I was broke and the person who had taken care of me my whole life was broke, I asked you for 500 dollars. You agrred to it so I drove down there to get the money you PROMISED me. The money that was going to pay my first months rent while I found a job and was able to do it on my own. I get there and you give me 250 dollars, explain to me that you do not have the money and send me on my merry way. Then why did you tell me me yes? Thought it would be fun to fuck with me a little bit more?
You were going to let me be homeless: Or maybe you expected someone you clearly did not like, and someone theresa was completely rude to, too help me pay my way? Show someone complete disregaurd and then depend on them to take care of your kid? Uhmmmmm about a month later Theresa calls me and tells me that you bought her a new dirk bike. haha how funny.
You have done nothing but shit on me my whole life. You have not failed to let me down time after time. I blamed myself for actually letting myself believe that you would come through just this one time. It was naive on my part and I took full responsibility. I forgave you and stopped beating myself up.
I'm almost 21 years old now. I have learned alot about myself, what I want to do, what makes me happy, who makes me happy and what I need to do to stay happy. I want to go to school. I want to learn. I want to understand things ive never understood. I want to help people. I want to feel and be smart. Ive never felt smart and Ive never been motivated to do something about it like I am now.
I have asked you for one sheet of paper that will help put me through school and you have gone out of your way to make this more difficult than anyone could have imagined. Both of you have avoided my phone calls and made me feel as though I was putting you out by making you sit down your beer or pull yourself from the TV long enough to gather up the information I needed. My mother out of her own pocket, paid for my first semesters tuition and books even though she could not afford to, because of your own selfishness. She can not afford to do this every three months. I have decided though, that I would rather go to school full time and work two full time jobs to pay for my school, that to deal with the heartache of you fucking with me anymore. My life has been made alot harder than it had to be and I thank you for that.
So in the end, you never really did let me down anymore. You did exactly what was expected from you. You proved to me that everything anyone has ever said about you, to be true. I'm just glad i didnt need a college education to figure it all out.
...
I thought about calling him up and telling him what a peice of shit he is... but I knew if I called him, I would get all worked up and not say everything that I want
so here goes....
My mind had been running in circles these last three weeks. I've been feeling disapointed, frustrated, outraged and numb. All the feelings that have consumed me everytime you have crossed my mind in the past few years. I've been trying to think of some good memories that i have of you and I to somehow even out all the bad ones, but even as I write this I still can not think of one. I want to share with you though some that come to mind right away.
My first clear memory of you is when we lived in Hawaii. You were supposed to pick me up so I could spend the weekend with you as always, and you never showed up. My mom took me to your house and we were greeted by a couple dozed half naked ladies running around. If I recall right, my mom took me home and I did not spend that weekend with you.
Then there was the summer that you moved to Danville from Hawaii. I was six or seven and you told me to run my own bathwater, so I did. When I came out of the bathroom, you and your friend were sitting around the dining room table smoking pot. Of course at the time I had no idea what it was, but I remember the nervousness on both of your faces. Reflecting on it now I undedrstand why I was "shoo'd" away so quickly. I would have said something and everyone that knows you and your discust for cigerettes would have known you were smoking pot around your six year old daughter. I actually remember smoking cigerettes with the neighbors down stairs in the garage that summer.
So summer after summer I come to see you with much anticipation. Promises of my own dirt bike, fun vacations and kittens consumed me. Instead I got to meet each one of your new girlfriends. One of which accused me of purposly locking a door so her disabled sister could not get to her seizure meds. You went along with it and I was grounded for a few days. I believe i was 9? Another one takes me hiking only to tell me that my mother and father were never married and that i was a bastard. 11? You go along with it. To top off all my wonderful memories of your girlfriends, my favorite one was when I got to lay in a bed next to another bed in which you were fucking.
Do not get me wrong though, they were not all that bad. Some of them helped my mom buy my school supplies and school cloths. Lord knows my mom coulndt buy them with the 80 somthing dollars you sent in child support every month. That is, when you decided that you would even pay that much.
How about the time I called you a jerk and you hung me agianst the wall by my face? Fun times, Eh? Remember when you got really drunk three years ago and beat the shit out of me? You choked me and beat me in the head with a tv remote. The next day you came home and apologized to Theresa. Not me or Amanda. But theresa told us how sorry you felt. I felt bad for you. YOU beat ME up and I felt bad for you. I've always felt bad for you. Ive always felt bad for you no matter what you did to me or my mom or anyone else, Ive always felt bad for you. Whenever I was mad at you or felt anything negative towards you, i felt bad. Ove always tried to forgive you. Give you one more chance to show that you know how to act like a dad.
So then two years ago when I was broke and the person who had taken care of me my whole life was broke, I asked you for 500 dollars. You agrred to it so I drove down there to get the money you PROMISED me. The money that was going to pay my first months rent while I found a job and was able to do it on my own. I get there and you give me 250 dollars, explain to me that you do not have the money and send me on my merry way. Then why did you tell me me yes? Thought it would be fun to fuck with me a little bit more?
You were going to let me be homeless: Or maybe you expected someone you clearly did not like, and someone theresa was completely rude to, too help me pay my way? Show someone complete disregaurd and then depend on them to take care of your kid? Uhmmmmm about a month later Theresa calls me and tells me that you bought her a new dirk bike. haha how funny.
You have done nothing but shit on me my whole life. You have not failed to let me down time after time. I blamed myself for actually letting myself believe that you would come through just this one time. It was naive on my part and I took full responsibility. I forgave you and stopped beating myself up.
I'm almost 21 years old now. I have learned alot about myself, what I want to do, what makes me happy, who makes me happy and what I need to do to stay happy. I want to go to school. I want to learn. I want to understand things ive never understood. I want to help people. I want to feel and be smart. Ive never felt smart and Ive never been motivated to do something about it like I am now.
I have asked you for one sheet of paper that will help put me through school and you have gone out of your way to make this more difficult than anyone could have imagined. Both of you have avoided my phone calls and made me feel as though I was putting you out by making you sit down your beer or pull yourself from the TV long enough to gather up the information I needed. My mother out of her own pocket, paid for my first semesters tuition and books even though she could not afford to, because of your own selfishness. She can not afford to do this every three months. I have decided though, that I would rather go to school full time and work two full time jobs to pay for my school, that to deal with the heartache of you fucking with me anymore. My life has been made alot harder than it had to be and I thank you for that.
So in the end, you never really did let me down anymore. You did exactly what was expected from you. You proved to me that everything anyone has ever said about you, to be true. I'm just glad i didnt need a college education to figure it all out.