(no subject)
My gma passed away this morning. I just wanna use LJ as a bit of a vent so I don't clutter up & draw attention to myself on other social sites LMAO. I GUESS uh TW if talking about death makes you uncomfortable :S
We've known for almost a year that grandma wasn't doing so well. She got really sick one week and went to the hospital only to discover 2 giant tumors in/on her lungs. She started chemo and everything, but for a long while she was still as spry as usual! She's always been extremely skinny even at her healthiest, so everything started to sink in when she started losing weight. After several months on chemo she was looking pretty boney but was still able to sit at home, come to family gatherings, talk and laugh and visit. Eat, drink, offer you some coffee, that kind of thing. I saw her only 3 months ago in this state. I could tell it wouldn't be long before things got worse, but I didn't really think about it too much.
A week ago my dad called me up and said I needed to come visit grandma this weekend. asap. You don't have to be a genius to get the implications in a message like that, so I dropped my plans for Friday and went over for a visit. The days prior to that were me simultaneously feeling peace with the situation but also feeling really anxious about what to do when I got there. I feel like I have a really abnormal view on death bc instead of losing it at the mention of my own grandmother being ill/near death, I just feel comfortable with it. Especially when it has been expected for so long. I am sure she has accepted her own death too during her struggle with cancer & I always feel that the ceremonious "pre-death family member visit" brings attention to what the dying has already struggled to overcome. On one hand, you want to be surrounded by family and die happy, on the other it can stir up that fighting spirit of "i don't want to die and leave all these people!" Maybe I'm just speaking from the naive perspective of someone who is not "dying" but whatever the case I always feel awkward. What do you do? what do you say? "Hey grams, nice knowin ya, good to visit, love ya?" I guess that's the best I could muster. Anyway, when I walked into their house a few days ago I did so not knowing exactly what i was going to see.
In the living room was my grandma, lying on a hospital bed and covered by a blanket. She had several tubes going into her chest to administer morphine and at this point was only being kept alive by a mixture of drugs and luck. At best she was responsive enough to tighten her eyelids or let out a gentle breath when you talked to her. Her body was so tiny & frail. Her skin was loose but looked drawn tight over her skull and everything about her appearance just made me sad I guess. I talked to her a bit and mostly conversed with my grandpa; we took care to include her in the conversation even though we knew she couldn't really respond. After a couple hours I left & somehow just knew it was the last time I'd see her, despite the family getting together just a week later for Easter.
This morning my dad called and left a message saying she'd passed away. I wasn't really surprised, and I'm still not. My grandma is dead and while it makes me sad I am completely comfortable with and have accepted that as the truth. No, I don't think she's going to watch over me from heaven, no she's not in a "better place". She's dead. She lived and died like a human and she loved many people while she was alive and we've all been lucky to know her and love her back. What gets me though is hearing my dad cry on the phone. Long silences punctuated by sniffles. Telling me how my grandpa was sleeping on couch cushions on the floor next to her hospital bed for the past several weeks. How when she passed this morning grandpa was kneeling on the floor holding her hand and said "I can't believe I'm never going to see her again." I've lost a grandparent. But when I think about how all my aunts/uncles and my own father have lost their mother, and how my grandpa has lost his wife.. it really makes me sad!!!!!! I act all tough and I know I have a pretty reasonable (if not a bit underwhelming) philosophy about death.. but when I'm in their position someday I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle it. I can't imagine spending 40 years married to your best friend and then holding their hand as they die.
I guess at this point all that's left is to come together with family this Sunday and just.. i dont know. Celebrate my grandma's life? She doesn't want a funeral or any frivolous ceremonies and fortunately as a family we are going to respect that. I can completely relate to those wishes, so I feel very strongly about making sure we put our all into remembering her privately and together, rather than dressing up and making an event out of burying her or whatever. My grandma's biggest passion was her family, and it's all we can do to help each other and love each other more than ever before.
We've known for almost a year that grandma wasn't doing so well. She got really sick one week and went to the hospital only to discover 2 giant tumors in/on her lungs. She started chemo and everything, but for a long while she was still as spry as usual! She's always been extremely skinny even at her healthiest, so everything started to sink in when she started losing weight. After several months on chemo she was looking pretty boney but was still able to sit at home, come to family gatherings, talk and laugh and visit. Eat, drink, offer you some coffee, that kind of thing. I saw her only 3 months ago in this state. I could tell it wouldn't be long before things got worse, but I didn't really think about it too much.
A week ago my dad called me up and said I needed to come visit grandma this weekend. asap. You don't have to be a genius to get the implications in a message like that, so I dropped my plans for Friday and went over for a visit. The days prior to that were me simultaneously feeling peace with the situation but also feeling really anxious about what to do when I got there. I feel like I have a really abnormal view on death bc instead of losing it at the mention of my own grandmother being ill/near death, I just feel comfortable with it. Especially when it has been expected for so long. I am sure she has accepted her own death too during her struggle with cancer & I always feel that the ceremonious "pre-death family member visit" brings attention to what the dying has already struggled to overcome. On one hand, you want to be surrounded by family and die happy, on the other it can stir up that fighting spirit of "i don't want to die and leave all these people!" Maybe I'm just speaking from the naive perspective of someone who is not "dying" but whatever the case I always feel awkward. What do you do? what do you say? "Hey grams, nice knowin ya, good to visit, love ya?" I guess that's the best I could muster. Anyway, when I walked into their house a few days ago I did so not knowing exactly what i was going to see.
In the living room was my grandma, lying on a hospital bed and covered by a blanket. She had several tubes going into her chest to administer morphine and at this point was only being kept alive by a mixture of drugs and luck. At best she was responsive enough to tighten her eyelids or let out a gentle breath when you talked to her. Her body was so tiny & frail. Her skin was loose but looked drawn tight over her skull and everything about her appearance just made me sad I guess. I talked to her a bit and mostly conversed with my grandpa; we took care to include her in the conversation even though we knew she couldn't really respond. After a couple hours I left & somehow just knew it was the last time I'd see her, despite the family getting together just a week later for Easter.
This morning my dad called and left a message saying she'd passed away. I wasn't really surprised, and I'm still not. My grandma is dead and while it makes me sad I am completely comfortable with and have accepted that as the truth. No, I don't think she's going to watch over me from heaven, no she's not in a "better place". She's dead. She lived and died like a human and she loved many people while she was alive and we've all been lucky to know her and love her back. What gets me though is hearing my dad cry on the phone. Long silences punctuated by sniffles. Telling me how my grandpa was sleeping on couch cushions on the floor next to her hospital bed for the past several weeks. How when she passed this morning grandpa was kneeling on the floor holding her hand and said "I can't believe I'm never going to see her again." I've lost a grandparent. But when I think about how all my aunts/uncles and my own father have lost their mother, and how my grandpa has lost his wife.. it really makes me sad!!!!!! I act all tough and I know I have a pretty reasonable (if not a bit underwhelming) philosophy about death.. but when I'm in their position someday I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle it. I can't imagine spending 40 years married to your best friend and then holding their hand as they die.
I guess at this point all that's left is to come together with family this Sunday and just.. i dont know. Celebrate my grandma's life? She doesn't want a funeral or any frivolous ceremonies and fortunately as a family we are going to respect that. I can completely relate to those wishes, so I feel very strongly about making sure we put our all into remembering her privately and together, rather than dressing up and making an event out of burying her or whatever. My grandma's biggest passion was her family, and it's all we can do to help each other and love each other more than ever before.