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Things seem to be in a holding pattern. He went out for most of the day yesterday to work with Cybermod while I stayed home and unpacked vital things and went over notes for the beginning of editing sessions on Monday. He's off at his place at the moment doing laundry and unpacking -- we're supposed to meet for dinner as soon as he finished so I have a little bit of time to myself. I don't know if that's good or bad though. I'm beginning to realise I don't know what anything is anymore.
Need to get my Dear Old Dad's project out of the way first. Then to the Dames Grand Tour. I'm just horribly overwhelmed at the moment. I know I can do it all. It's just a matter of mustering up the energy To Do it. I'm not normally a lazy sod -- work is good for me but for the first time in a long time, the projects have a lot of emotional baggage attached to them and so it's more difficult. Thank goodness for actual editors rather than trying to cut things m'self -- but I still am overseeing it all. Dad won't do it and he'd freak if I didn't stay on top of things. Guess that's a feather in my cap -- he trusts my judgement (more the fool he) but it's a bitch. At least I can see what Guy's been up to while I'm away. I had him put together rough cut sequences based on what we did earlier so at least I can review it all.
As for the boy and me....not sure where we're at. We're still somewhat distanced from one another. We're talking but not much else. We've slept together since he came back on Tuesday but that's it -- sleeping. Some cuddling. Some smooching but...I don't know if it's that he doesn't want me anymore or he's just angry at me or I'm just angry at him... something's off, obviously, but I'm just too knackered and generally in over my head to work it out.
I couldn't sleep last night -- he fell asleep pretty quickly (or so it seemed -- can he pretend to sleep? Probably). Just watched him for a whiile, played with his hair, gave him a few light kisses. He seemed to serene in that condition...it breaks my heart because I know how I honestly do feel about him. I love him. Very deeply. But I feel like something's been put between us that I can't get through anymore. He was always my best friend in the world and now I feel like I'm losing my best friend completely. Or perhaps I already have. I don't want him to be some horrible ex boyfriend (worse, ex-husband!) that I can't face in public etc. I don't want him to go away but I feel like he's already set on the path away from me. That because I didn't turn around and say "Hey, wow, great idea! Just jump straight back into a friendship with your brother, supa supa!" I'm somehow being punished for it. As if I'm not supposed to have misgivings about C after all that went through. It's not just that I'm ace at bearing grudges (although I know I am), it's also that he hasn't done enough to win back my trust. C doesn't realise how much he hurt me (after all, I'm supposed to be the indestructible one, right?). He doesn't realise how much he hurt Rick (and after what we went through in June, even I was shocked to see just how deep the cuts ran). I can't just forgive that so easily. I wish I could. Things would be easier if I could just turn off my brain and tell my husband "Oh, honey, you're right about EVERYTHING!" and not have an opposing viewpoint. Maybe he'd love me more if I could.
I haven't felt this low in ages -- around the time of the Really Bad Thing, maybe. When the world was going to hell around me and I wasn't sure if my parents were going to live or die or how damaged they'd be...and everyone was expecting me to be the strong one and hold it all together because they couldn't. I had Rick then though -- one of the reasons I realised I loved him is because he was there for me. I could ring him at any time of day or not and just talk about things -- both big and small. He knew if I rang him at 3 am to discuss a film I'd seen on television it wasn't just that I needed to talk about the film -- I just needed someone to connect to. He never turned me away.
I wish I still had him to do that with. I'm hurting so badly over what's going on now and the one person in the world I need to discuss it with is the one person I can't. I need my best friend back so badly. I just am afraid I've lost him forever.
Things seem to be in a holding pattern. He went out for most of the day yesterday to work with Cybermod while I stayed home and unpacked vital things and went over notes for the beginning of editing sessions on Monday. He's off at his place at the moment doing laundry and unpacking -- we're supposed to meet for dinner as soon as he finished so I have a little bit of time to myself. I don't know if that's good or bad though. I'm beginning to realise I don't know what anything is anymore.
Need to get my Dear Old Dad's project out of the way first. Then to the Dames Grand Tour. I'm just horribly overwhelmed at the moment. I know I can do it all. It's just a matter of mustering up the energy To Do it. I'm not normally a lazy sod -- work is good for me but for the first time in a long time, the projects have a lot of emotional baggage attached to them and so it's more difficult. Thank goodness for actual editors rather than trying to cut things m'self -- but I still am overseeing it all. Dad won't do it and he'd freak if I didn't stay on top of things. Guess that's a feather in my cap -- he trusts my judgement (more the fool he) but it's a bitch. At least I can see what Guy's been up to while I'm away. I had him put together rough cut sequences based on what we did earlier so at least I can review it all.
As for the boy and me....not sure where we're at. We're still somewhat distanced from one another. We're talking but not much else. We've slept together since he came back on Tuesday but that's it -- sleeping. Some cuddling. Some smooching but...I don't know if it's that he doesn't want me anymore or he's just angry at me or I'm just angry at him... something's off, obviously, but I'm just too knackered and generally in over my head to work it out.
I couldn't sleep last night -- he fell asleep pretty quickly (or so it seemed -- can he pretend to sleep? Probably). Just watched him for a whiile, played with his hair, gave him a few light kisses. He seemed to serene in that condition...it breaks my heart because I know how I honestly do feel about him. I love him. Very deeply. But I feel like something's been put between us that I can't get through anymore. He was always my best friend in the world and now I feel like I'm losing my best friend completely. Or perhaps I already have. I don't want him to be some horrible ex boyfriend (worse, ex-husband!) that I can't face in public etc. I don't want him to go away but I feel like he's already set on the path away from me. That because I didn't turn around and say "Hey, wow, great idea! Just jump straight back into a friendship with your brother, supa supa!" I'm somehow being punished for it. As if I'm not supposed to have misgivings about C after all that went through. It's not just that I'm ace at bearing grudges (although I know I am), it's also that he hasn't done enough to win back my trust. C doesn't realise how much he hurt me (after all, I'm supposed to be the indestructible one, right?). He doesn't realise how much he hurt Rick (and after what we went through in June, even I was shocked to see just how deep the cuts ran). I can't just forgive that so easily. I wish I could. Things would be easier if I could just turn off my brain and tell my husband "Oh, honey, you're right about EVERYTHING!" and not have an opposing viewpoint. Maybe he'd love me more if I could.
I haven't felt this low in ages -- around the time of the Really Bad Thing, maybe. When the world was going to hell around me and I wasn't sure if my parents were going to live or die or how damaged they'd be...and everyone was expecting me to be the strong one and hold it all together because they couldn't. I had Rick then though -- one of the reasons I realised I loved him is because he was there for me. I could ring him at any time of day or not and just talk about things -- both big and small. He knew if I rang him at 3 am to discuss a film I'd seen on television it wasn't just that I needed to talk about the film -- I just needed someone to connect to. He never turned me away.
I wish I still had him to do that with. I'm hurting so badly over what's going on now and the one person in the world I need to discuss it with is the one person I can't. I need my best friend back so badly. I just am afraid I've lost him forever.