It's not "settling" when it's the option you chose
Well, it's deffinately a different sensation - I'll give it that much.
I don't really know why, but for some unknown reason I seem to have been able to latch onto Ali =/ I feel... safe? I don't quite know how to describe it, but I feel okay when he's there. For example, the other night Ali was up at my house and we were watching random crap online, but my dad wanted to record something quickly from the pc. He was already in a bad mood and was quite happy to let me know that, so he came upstairs and the computer was annoying him (something about not recording right) and he was getting angrier and angrier. Normally, that'd be it. I'd be sitting with my chin burried into my knees silent just hoping that the pc would stop being a twat and just work for once. Ali noticed it =/ and all he had to do was put his arm around me and gave me a quick squeeze and I felt that ... I don't know, it's not that I felt safe and protected from my dad because let's face it, he's not that stupid - he'd be more tactful about it. But I felt that, if anything happened there'd be someone there who would actually be of help and I wouldn't run through the mental disorientation that usually follows. But the best bit is that, I don't quite know what his reasons are but he likes to get completely plastered too and I know that sounds stupid and childish but that's what I've been sticking to recently and it's working out for me, so it's a common ground. I don't know if he does it because he hides from things like I do or if he just genuinly likes it but either way doesn't change it to me. We talk a lot too =) hours at a time just lying around talking absoloute shite, but it's connecting =) and he has no objections to when somethings getting a bit scary to talk about that I cover up by "playing" which is usually just random annoying little things like tickling or poking xD and he doesn't mind, he retaliates and he knows not to talk about the last topic for a while because obviously we'd struck a nerve. We'll get past those nerves one day, eventually. But for now he doesn't mind my lame cover-ups =)
He has his own things that he needs to deal with too, and quite honestly that's human. The other night I walked up to his house and he was drinking away because of something his mum and aunt had said earlier that day. He said he was just "in a drinking mood" but I could tell it wasn't a happy drinking mode that'll end up with people falling on the floor laughing at beeping noises ... xD it was more one of those drink until I maybe pass out drinking moods. We didn't really do anything out of the ordinary - we watched some tv and talked, and at one point went down stairs so he could make his "perfected BLT" lol and by the end of the night he felt and looked much better =) and I liked doing that for him, I mean there's been times in the past when I know someone's been sitting there not exactly feeling 100% - but the only thing that I really worried about was so long as they were /calm/ enough not to take anything out on me for no reason then that was all I would aim for. Don't do anything to piss them off. =/ But with Ali that doesn't seem like it's enough. If he's sitting bored, I'll entertain him, if he's upset, I'll hug him and talk with him, if he's drunk and threatening to go "smash some cunt" I'll calm him down. I don't want to leave him in the mid-ground emotion =)
He said he loves me. =) and for the first time in a very very long time I can see it. I've only ever had one person look at me the way he does now, and let's face it... It's not like Carl's ever gonna look at me like that again, nor am I likely to look at him the same way I used to. I almost forgot what it's like =/ I mean - people have claimed to have "loved" me before, and it's always been in words. Eventually, those words became enough and were convincing enough for me to allow myself to befall into stupid situations - to me those words seemed so honest. But it's the way Ali looks at me, the way he hugs me, just everything =/ it's not what he says.
I think we've just both had really horrible people in our lives, and we both acted in ways we wanted to be seen in - he acted like the "hard" guy who was a prick to all women just so he could get laid, I acted like the sarcastic bitch as usual =/ but somehow, I dunno... maybe it takes a pretender to see a pretender? We just looked past it as we were friends... Now that we're being honest with each other we sort of laugh at how complete bullshitty that was to try to pretend like that. He understands =/
It's strange =/ but in a good way. We've both just sort of latched on and subconsciously said, okay. We've both had shit, we both can't be bothered. Let's drop the whole "playing by the rules" crap that goes along with relationships - let's just do what we want to do, and let it all work itself out =) And so far - it's working.
I'm not saying it's perfect - nothing in this life is or ever will be. He says stupid things, occasionally does stupid things - and at times the girl inside me still gets that horrible sensation of being decieved and I can feel myself putting bricks in the wall that seperates us, but to an extent that's okay. I'll always be like this. He'll always say something stupid that I won't show and will only beat myself up for inside my head - but it's better than what has been. =/ and so long as at the end of the day I can lye by his side and actually want to be there, and manage to control the urge to run away to safety then I think I'll be okay.
I don't really know why, but for some unknown reason I seem to have been able to latch onto Ali =/ I feel... safe? I don't quite know how to describe it, but I feel okay when he's there. For example, the other night Ali was up at my house and we were watching random crap online, but my dad wanted to record something quickly from the pc. He was already in a bad mood and was quite happy to let me know that, so he came upstairs and the computer was annoying him (something about not recording right) and he was getting angrier and angrier. Normally, that'd be it. I'd be sitting with my chin burried into my knees silent just hoping that the pc would stop being a twat and just work for once. Ali noticed it =/ and all he had to do was put his arm around me and gave me a quick squeeze and I felt that ... I don't know, it's not that I felt safe and protected from my dad because let's face it, he's not that stupid - he'd be more tactful about it. But I felt that, if anything happened there'd be someone there who would actually be of help and I wouldn't run through the mental disorientation that usually follows. But the best bit is that, I don't quite know what his reasons are but he likes to get completely plastered too and I know that sounds stupid and childish but that's what I've been sticking to recently and it's working out for me, so it's a common ground. I don't know if he does it because he hides from things like I do or if he just genuinly likes it but either way doesn't change it to me. We talk a lot too =) hours at a time just lying around talking absoloute shite, but it's connecting =) and he has no objections to when somethings getting a bit scary to talk about that I cover up by "playing" which is usually just random annoying little things like tickling or poking xD and he doesn't mind, he retaliates and he knows not to talk about the last topic for a while because obviously we'd struck a nerve. We'll get past those nerves one day, eventually. But for now he doesn't mind my lame cover-ups =)
He has his own things that he needs to deal with too, and quite honestly that's human. The other night I walked up to his house and he was drinking away because of something his mum and aunt had said earlier that day. He said he was just "in a drinking mood" but I could tell it wasn't a happy drinking mode that'll end up with people falling on the floor laughing at beeping noises ... xD it was more one of those drink until I maybe pass out drinking moods. We didn't really do anything out of the ordinary - we watched some tv and talked, and at one point went down stairs so he could make his "perfected BLT" lol and by the end of the night he felt and looked much better =) and I liked doing that for him, I mean there's been times in the past when I know someone's been sitting there not exactly feeling 100% - but the only thing that I really worried about was so long as they were /calm/ enough not to take anything out on me for no reason then that was all I would aim for. Don't do anything to piss them off. =/ But with Ali that doesn't seem like it's enough. If he's sitting bored, I'll entertain him, if he's upset, I'll hug him and talk with him, if he's drunk and threatening to go "smash some cunt" I'll calm him down. I don't want to leave him in the mid-ground emotion =)
He said he loves me. =) and for the first time in a very very long time I can see it. I've only ever had one person look at me the way he does now, and let's face it... It's not like Carl's ever gonna look at me like that again, nor am I likely to look at him the same way I used to. I almost forgot what it's like =/ I mean - people have claimed to have "loved" me before, and it's always been in words. Eventually, those words became enough and were convincing enough for me to allow myself to befall into stupid situations - to me those words seemed so honest. But it's the way Ali looks at me, the way he hugs me, just everything =/ it's not what he says.
I think we've just both had really horrible people in our lives, and we both acted in ways we wanted to be seen in - he acted like the "hard" guy who was a prick to all women just so he could get laid, I acted like the sarcastic bitch as usual =/ but somehow, I dunno... maybe it takes a pretender to see a pretender? We just looked past it as we were friends... Now that we're being honest with each other we sort of laugh at how complete bullshitty that was to try to pretend like that. He understands =/
It's strange =/ but in a good way. We've both just sort of latched on and subconsciously said, okay. We've both had shit, we both can't be bothered. Let's drop the whole "playing by the rules" crap that goes along with relationships - let's just do what we want to do, and let it all work itself out =) And so far - it's working.
I'm not saying it's perfect - nothing in this life is or ever will be. He says stupid things, occasionally does stupid things - and at times the girl inside me still gets that horrible sensation of being decieved and I can feel myself putting bricks in the wall that seperates us, but to an extent that's okay. I'll always be like this. He'll always say something stupid that I won't show and will only beat myself up for inside my head - but it's better than what has been. =/ and so long as at the end of the day I can lye by his side and actually want to be there, and manage to control the urge to run away to safety then I think I'll be okay.