Ugh. Today was shit =/
Blah. Today has sucked.
Started with sleeping through my alarm, simply because my mind wouldn't let me sleep last night despite my physical efforts of not being able to keep my eyes actually open. I just kept waking up in a really horrible cold sweat and I'd jolt up and feel sick but was too tired to move unless I was in dire need to - so it was a basically a repetitive waking up and crashing out session.
I've gotten used to things like that happening strangely enough - I have to open my curtains before I go to bed so that if I don't sleep and I do miss the alarm, the light will wake me up eventually. Thank god for having a bedroom window that faces east lol slightly annoying because it also means if I'm sleeping anywhere else and the curtains are closed it throws me off lol it keeps me awake because I know something’s missing xD
Blah - either way I woke up at around 8:45. Thankfully there was no formal classes today cause they'd been canceled for the graded unit meetings (which by the way sucked - they were expecting us to have it completely finished when it's not due for another week at least =/ of course it's only going to be scribbles and notes and rough plans at the minute - friggin twats lol) so Milli came picked me up since I was running late - got into college to do some more alternative process stuff and there was only enough cyanotype left for 4 prints - who the hell can get a cyanotype print perfect in 2 attempts?! xD so of course, I've got to buy more of the stuff online and we'll have to try again... Though; just incase I forget over the weekend which is probable - next attempt's to be 10ml, rod application, reverse contact, 17.5min UV exposure, 2degree rinse, 4min.
Haha xD now I can't forget ^_^
Anyway - me and Milli were hunting through Livi centre & Edinburgh centre for her to get cream knee-high boots for a night out in Newcastle on Saturday. Doesn't sound like such a hard task? Oh hell it was. Nowhere was selling hardly any =/ and the ones they were selling were horrible. And it was snowing like frik in Edinburgh when we got there xD so yeah it was pretty cold and that probably didn't help cause my ribs hurt for a good while after that xD I really should get a tighter jacket so that it keeps the heat in more xD and today we went down the centre in Livi cause we ended up settling on a completely different pair of shoes we seen in a new look in Edinburgh yesterday to be the best match - surprise surprise, Livi store wasn't selling them xD but we found something similar so that's good enough haha
So yeah went back to Millis after that for a cuppa and what not. Got a lift to go see Sarah at 7, and met up with Nikki there. We sat for a while, half watching tv lol. It's weird, it's like.. I know in my head that Sarah's one day soon not going to be there, we've been told that about 3 years ago. It's not something I like to admit but I know it's true - I've seen it happen before, and despite the fact that she's in god knows obvious and extreme pain at times, part of me in my head still telling me she'll pull round. She has to =/ She has too many people that need her. Chloe hasn't even hit high school yet, Amanda needs her, Nikki needs her.
Got a lift back to Zara's for about half 9. Sat in there, few base-drops, few drinks, the usual crap. By which point it's covered in snow outside and it's frikkin sure as hell freezin' out there. In retrospect, I probably should have just crashed at hers tonight - I really should have. It'd have been easier.
I dunno, I can't quite remember properly, but I knew I needed to leave for some reason. This was at about 1:15, cause I remember looking at the clock. I got home about 2...
So okay, 45minutes outside and it's friggin frozen, I hate the fields next to this shitehole, it always pushes in a cold wind and lets it pick up plenty of speed -rolls eyes- something like 8 broken fences in the past week cause of the wind xD but yeah, I froze. So now, again my rubs hurt and my bones still feel cold lol, my head hurts and I feel like, strangely exhausted but that's probably just the come down xD lol but the most concerning thing is the fact that Zara lives opposite the shop - a maximum of a 5minute walk away.
Where the hell did the other 40 go? =/ I have absolutely no idea. The appear to have vanished, I can't remember walking home at all. Which is slightly annoying me xD I don't like that o.0 Either way, I got home safe enough, and I can remember sitting in the livingroom with the lights off kinda staring into space and that’s kinda when my memory snaps back in - because I heard someone walking downstairs, meaning one of the parents was awake, and I had warranted enough noise or whatever to make one of them actually move. Not a good sign.
The fact alone that if at any point after they've gone to bed and I hear movement in the house I automatically go into panic mode thinking I've done something wrong and I'm in shit for it now, not a good thing when I actually think about it.
It was dad. He walked in, instantly flicked the lights on demanding to know why I'd ignored their calls hours earlier to ask if I had my key or not. I don't remember any calls... =/ Either way, I was already feeling nauseous, and was sorta swaying back and forth to keep that sick feeling down until he'd left the room. Gotta remember though, any slight "weakness" be it emotionally, vulnerability or just general disorientation and it's fair game for him. Sitting next to me on the arm of the sofa, one hand on my shoulder, giving me the usual sarcastic crap he comes away with when he thinks hes being smug - next thing I know it's a push on my back and my head meets the table. Followed by a sarcastic "Oh! Sorry, you okay? Well, night then"
I seriously wonder about both of them sometimes - they really deserve each other. I mean normally, parents like mine are found out because they're "the type" - I've seen it happen to a good number of people I know and eventually their parents were found out. How come mine don't act like "the type" =/ they act perfectly normal in society, they act perfectly normal when there's people in the house, they live relatively normal lifes - so why all this bullshit =/ I mean, is it /really/ something I've done?
Blah. Dunno.
Anyway, thats my rant on todays shite events over.
Started with sleeping through my alarm, simply because my mind wouldn't let me sleep last night despite my physical efforts of not being able to keep my eyes actually open. I just kept waking up in a really horrible cold sweat and I'd jolt up and feel sick but was too tired to move unless I was in dire need to - so it was a basically a repetitive waking up and crashing out session.
I've gotten used to things like that happening strangely enough - I have to open my curtains before I go to bed so that if I don't sleep and I do miss the alarm, the light will wake me up eventually. Thank god for having a bedroom window that faces east lol slightly annoying because it also means if I'm sleeping anywhere else and the curtains are closed it throws me off lol it keeps me awake because I know something’s missing xD
Blah - either way I woke up at around 8:45. Thankfully there was no formal classes today cause they'd been canceled for the graded unit meetings (which by the way sucked - they were expecting us to have it completely finished when it's not due for another week at least =/ of course it's only going to be scribbles and notes and rough plans at the minute - friggin twats lol) so Milli came picked me up since I was running late - got into college to do some more alternative process stuff and there was only enough cyanotype left for 4 prints - who the hell can get a cyanotype print perfect in 2 attempts?! xD so of course, I've got to buy more of the stuff online and we'll have to try again... Though; just incase I forget over the weekend which is probable - next attempt's to be 10ml, rod application, reverse contact, 17.5min UV exposure, 2degree rinse, 4min.
Haha xD now I can't forget ^_^
Anyway - me and Milli were hunting through Livi centre & Edinburgh centre for her to get cream knee-high boots for a night out in Newcastle on Saturday. Doesn't sound like such a hard task? Oh hell it was. Nowhere was selling hardly any =/ and the ones they were selling were horrible. And it was snowing like frik in Edinburgh when we got there xD so yeah it was pretty cold and that probably didn't help cause my ribs hurt for a good while after that xD I really should get a tighter jacket so that it keeps the heat in more xD and today we went down the centre in Livi cause we ended up settling on a completely different pair of shoes we seen in a new look in Edinburgh yesterday to be the best match - surprise surprise, Livi store wasn't selling them xD but we found something similar so that's good enough haha
So yeah went back to Millis after that for a cuppa and what not. Got a lift to go see Sarah at 7, and met up with Nikki there. We sat for a while, half watching tv lol. It's weird, it's like.. I know in my head that Sarah's one day soon not going to be there, we've been told that about 3 years ago. It's not something I like to admit but I know it's true - I've seen it happen before, and despite the fact that she's in god knows obvious and extreme pain at times, part of me in my head still telling me she'll pull round. She has to =/ She has too many people that need her. Chloe hasn't even hit high school yet, Amanda needs her, Nikki needs her.
Got a lift back to Zara's for about half 9. Sat in there, few base-drops, few drinks, the usual crap. By which point it's covered in snow outside and it's frikkin sure as hell freezin' out there. In retrospect, I probably should have just crashed at hers tonight - I really should have. It'd have been easier.
I dunno, I can't quite remember properly, but I knew I needed to leave for some reason. This was at about 1:15, cause I remember looking at the clock. I got home about 2...
So okay, 45minutes outside and it's friggin frozen, I hate the fields next to this shitehole, it always pushes in a cold wind and lets it pick up plenty of speed -rolls eyes- something like 8 broken fences in the past week cause of the wind xD but yeah, I froze. So now, again my rubs hurt and my bones still feel cold lol, my head hurts and I feel like, strangely exhausted but that's probably just the come down xD lol but the most concerning thing is the fact that Zara lives opposite the shop - a maximum of a 5minute walk away.
Where the hell did the other 40 go? =/ I have absolutely no idea. The appear to have vanished, I can't remember walking home at all. Which is slightly annoying me xD I don't like that o.0 Either way, I got home safe enough, and I can remember sitting in the livingroom with the lights off kinda staring into space and that’s kinda when my memory snaps back in - because I heard someone walking downstairs, meaning one of the parents was awake, and I had warranted enough noise or whatever to make one of them actually move. Not a good sign.
The fact alone that if at any point after they've gone to bed and I hear movement in the house I automatically go into panic mode thinking I've done something wrong and I'm in shit for it now, not a good thing when I actually think about it.
It was dad. He walked in, instantly flicked the lights on demanding to know why I'd ignored their calls hours earlier to ask if I had my key or not. I don't remember any calls... =/ Either way, I was already feeling nauseous, and was sorta swaying back and forth to keep that sick feeling down until he'd left the room. Gotta remember though, any slight "weakness" be it emotionally, vulnerability or just general disorientation and it's fair game for him. Sitting next to me on the arm of the sofa, one hand on my shoulder, giving me the usual sarcastic crap he comes away with when he thinks hes being smug - next thing I know it's a push on my back and my head meets the table. Followed by a sarcastic "Oh! Sorry, you okay? Well, night then"
I seriously wonder about both of them sometimes - they really deserve each other. I mean normally, parents like mine are found out because they're "the type" - I've seen it happen to a good number of people I know and eventually their parents were found out. How come mine don't act like "the type" =/ they act perfectly normal in society, they act perfectly normal when there's people in the house, they live relatively normal lifes - so why all this bullshit =/ I mean, is it /really/ something I've done?
Blah. Dunno.
Anyway, thats my rant on todays shite events over.