Time grabs you by the rist directs you where to go
An analysis of myself, what I'm really thinking, spilling my guts to this cyber therapist, why the hell am I shareing this?!?
My entire life I've spent trying to make people happy. Make them feel better. By people I mean my mom. She had a hard seperation with my dad, I remember waking up in the middle of the night and hearing them fighting. I always felt like they wanted me to take sides. So when I was about 6 my mom asked me and my brothers if we wanted to go stay with my poppie. Well I was little and I didn't know she meant leave my dad, but I eventually got it when we changed schools. Now again, I was little so I don't remember too much, but I do remember going to visit my dad on weekends. We would always play sports, he had us out till late at night playing baseball or roller hockey or something, some of my best memories ever. I was his little peanut, or at least that's what he used to call me. He was always there for me but I knew it hurt him everytime we left. On my seventh birthday he took me to the city but first we dropped my brothers off with my mom. He actually cried once they got out of the car. I knew he cried everytime we left. Not long after that we found out my dad had bone cancer. We were all little so we didn't really know what that meant, we just knew he was sick. He had a paper that he kept on the kitchen ledge that said, "I will stay strong for my kids Kyle, Kaitlyn and Christopher". But he got worse and we had to go visit him in the hospital. One of my most clear memories ever was when he was in the early stages of the cancer before anyone knew he had it and we were going to visit my Aunt Colleen in pennslyvania. My dad stopped at the drug store to get some medicine and kyle, chris and I were sitting in the car. I saw him limping back in real pain and I got out of the car to go help him and his eyes were all glassy. I felt horrible because there was nothing I could do as a 7 year old. I was looking back at some old pictures a while ago and I came across this one picture of my dad after chemotheropy. He was at my gymnastic meet. His smile and his eyes were so hollow he looked like he was just whithering away. He was so skinny, he looked nothing like my dad. Just like a weak skeleton holding on for his kids. When I looked at the picture all I could see were his eyes. It was the scariest thing in my life, I actually started crying. My mom got rid of the picture after that. That's not how I want to remember him. When I found out my dad had passed away I remember crying I remember my mom, and my poppie, and kyle crying. But I remember chris playing with a truck. He had only just turned 4 and didn't really know what was going on. To this day only sometimes do I really get upset that my dad passed away because I know he's in a better place but I always get upset knowing my little brother never really knew him, never really had a dad. That's why I'm greatful I at least had 7 years. My older brother had 10 years so in my analysis I think that's why he's always been so distant. My mom was left to raise 3 kids alone and there are a lot of other issues involving my dads half of the family that made my moms life a living hell but I don't have time to write a book.
I always forget how much my mom went through and how much she's done to make our lives good, but at the expense of her own happiness. I know that today she feels incomplete and unfulfilled and unacomplished. And I guess I've known she's felt this way for a long time that's why I'm always trying to make her happy or smile or something, but lately I just feel like I can't take it anymore if nothings going to make her smile why should I bother anymore, it's just depressing me. But I guess it really means that she needs me the most, she's already done so much for me, it's just time to give a little back.
It's too hard to explain my entire life in a journal entry, I'm stupid to have tried.
I just know I went into this entry with anger but reflecting on my life, I don't know why I get so upset over stupid little things. There's so many more important things to consider.You only live once. And I'm greatful for what I've been given, I never wanna have another regret.
Don't take things for granted... time is too valuable to be wasted. Spend it with people you love because you never know when they'll be gone.
RIP- I love you dad