Vampires - Good For The Economy
With oil prices spiking, interest rates rising, and consumer confidence depressed, I think it might be time to finally consider how the sudden emergence of an army of vampires could affect the economy.
Ive run the numbers and here are some of my findings:
Look for gains in the cape manufacturing industry. For the last hundred years or so, the cape industry has been on a slow and steady downward trajectory. A few thousand vampires could easily reverse that sector's fortunes.
Other sectors that could see gains:
- Garlic farmers
- Cross makers
- Angry villagers
Of course, some industries might be hurt. Chief among them, makers of fake plastic vampire teeth. This industry would most likely suffer in the same way makers of realistic toy guns suffered during the crack epidemic of the 1980s and 90s. Aggressive police and mistaken identities put that industry under tremendous pressure. Expect the same thing with fake plastic vampire teeth makers.
Although vampires do not kill based on socio-economic status, I expect the poor to be disproportionately affected, since they are the least able to protect themselves and the most likely to be wandering outside alone at night. I am calling this phenomena the vampire tax. Look for Democrats to capitalize.
The stock market, of course, would most likely suffer enormous short-term losses in the immediate weeks and months after thousands of the undead begin sucking the life force from the citizenry, but I look at this as an opportunity. After we become used to these immortal wraiths, I expect the market to stabilize and eventually surpass pre-Vampire levels.
On balance, while it might be difficult to assess how an onslaught of the living dead would affect the economy on a macro level, I am confident that long-term benefits would offset any short-term losses. In short, vampires would be good for the economy. Zombies, on the other hand, would be a fucking disaster.
Ive run the numbers and here are some of my findings:
Look for gains in the cape manufacturing industry. For the last hundred years or so, the cape industry has been on a slow and steady downward trajectory. A few thousand vampires could easily reverse that sector's fortunes.
Other sectors that could see gains:
- Garlic farmers
- Cross makers
- Angry villagers
Of course, some industries might be hurt. Chief among them, makers of fake plastic vampire teeth. This industry would most likely suffer in the same way makers of realistic toy guns suffered during the crack epidemic of the 1980s and 90s. Aggressive police and mistaken identities put that industry under tremendous pressure. Expect the same thing with fake plastic vampire teeth makers.
Although vampires do not kill based on socio-economic status, I expect the poor to be disproportionately affected, since they are the least able to protect themselves and the most likely to be wandering outside alone at night. I am calling this phenomena the vampire tax. Look for Democrats to capitalize.
The stock market, of course, would most likely suffer enormous short-term losses in the immediate weeks and months after thousands of the undead begin sucking the life force from the citizenry, but I look at this as an opportunity. After we become used to these immortal wraiths, I expect the market to stabilize and eventually surpass pre-Vampire levels.
On balance, while it might be difficult to assess how an onslaught of the living dead would affect the economy on a macro level, I am confident that long-term benefits would offset any short-term losses. In short, vampires would be good for the economy. Zombies, on the other hand, would be a fucking disaster.