huh?
In case anyone ever wants to know how my brain thinks in the early-to-middle part of the night and has a lot of time on their hands to find out:
i'm sitting
in this foreign dorm room
for the first time alone
i was sort of alone
that one day
but she was in the other room
so it didn't count.
i am drinking peppermint tea
from a stolen teacup I retrieved
from its hiding spot
in the desk drawer
i had to hide it from the teacher
who's younger than my friends.
i am wondering if i want him to
and why.
i am reliving a time when i
chose not to choose
and this is closer to desire
and regret
than this play we're in
ever came.
i am contemplating sending you a message
about the funny shoes
you wore in my dream
when you wouldn't hug me goodbye
out of fear.
you did not concern yourself with my reputation
only the
potential
reactions
of those people
in the room
it would hurt
to get so smart.
in the dream,
of course.
i am wondering
if you knew me so well
you knew just how to lie
to set me right
or throw me off.
i am wondering if you didn't move your foot
off of mine
that night after the night
we shared a bed
and awkwardly shared ourselves
if you didn't move your foot
because you didn't notice
or you didn't care
or if it was because you did.
i think i'm the only one who plays that game.
i am wondering if my memories of you lie
if you are better or worse
than i allow myself
to recall.
i talk about you differently
than you actually were
most of the time
at any rate.
i don't care about you anymore
but several of the songs i still listen to
still care about you. any more songs
that care about people
against my instruction
will be boycotted until
such a time as they
learn to cooperate
and just be songs.
your song made me cry just now.
this is stream of consciousness writing
and you're not allowed to erase it.
any of it.
not yet.
i never liked tea until this summer.
that's something.
i will finish anna karenina this week.
if it kills me.
tolstoy might kill me
and leave me desireless and regretable.
undesired.
underworld.
underclothes.
underumbrellas.
underthebridge.
underoverunderover.
undertheearth.
underthesky.
underneathyou.
i deserve a gross person.
what
the
fuck.
i will not continue to indulge in this
behavioritisUNacceptableandINappropriateandnotthewayayoungLAdyshouldbehave.
i want to yell at the icecreamman.
i want a cherrypopsicle.
but peppermint tea will suffice.
i think i will be satisfied with life
when i own a teapot.
not the kind you put on the stove,
the kind you brew the tea in
seperate from the kettle
that sits on the stove.
this one is prettier
and ceramic maybe
and holds heat
and pours lovely
i think once i have this i will have everything i need in this world.
the pot-smoking midwife seemed happy when she poured hers
and it made a satisfying noise when it hit the mug
i sipped it out of
it was too strong for me then
but now it is everything i need.
that's a lie.
it is every need i allow myself to indulge in.
i wonder about the ghosts of dorm rooms
foreign dorm rooms
they'd be younger then
younger than the ghosts of creaky old houses
these are new ghosts
apathetic and emo ghosts
emo is not recognized as a word by the OPENOFFICEDICTIONARY.
it is not new.
i need more tea.
i wonder about the lead in the water
in DC
and if that guy's mom
would have survived longer
or been less miserable
or completely unaffected
or exactly the same.
i wonder if i am doing myself any long term damage
but i am sure i have done that
long ago
and long since
many other times
and that this one is less of an offense.
i am an enemy of the people.
but all the people i knew would forgive me have.
i haven't told the others.
yet.
told.
others.
the train went in two different directions
two trains
and sorry i could not hide in the storage car on both
and be one bum.
they weren't as vague as i remembered them
but they were as vague as i wanted them to be
at the time.
i'm going to read your favorite book.
i hope that you have folded page corners.
i wonder if you left it by accident.
i am not INdulging. no. stop correcting me.
dictionary.
i wonder if technology will get smarter than we want it to
because i've seen a lot of sci-fi movies
and tv shows
that warn about it.
i wonder if aliens came
and they were more intelligent than us
would we try to fight them
like animals defending themselves
against something they don't recognize
or would we suck up to them
and try to prove our worth
and desperately seek approval
as we do with humans we think are smarter than we are.
i'm hungry.
for someone who has a terrible fear
of getting in trouble
i really might be in the most uncomfortable situation possible
as far removed from my element as i could be.
i hope.
that i don't go farther.
i suppose i have control over that.
hopefully.
everything happens for a reason.
hopefully.
where's my faith.
i wonder what she said about women feeling guilty for being sexual
and if that has anything to do with how i operate.
and why.
and if i figure it out, if i should explain it to her
or leave it in the past.
dogdogdogtodaytodaybetrayalbetrayalbetrayaltodaybetrayalyellowyellowmeandyouyellowyellowmeandyoudogmeandyouflightbetrayaltoday.
i like speaking with my hands.
i thought about jasmine cruz just then.
and the murder mysteries.
i thought about her earlier today
because we were talking about childhood
and aladdin.
i may have always thought of her as a princess.
her with bangs
that she wanted to cut for me
that seemed like such a good idea at the time.
why wouldn't i trust a 9 year old wielding scissors near my face
when i'd trust myself behind the wheel of a car 5 beers deep and falling apart(asleep).
i tell the story like it's funny but i think i feel terrible about it and i can't deal.
i hope happy is working hard for me please.
un
or
th
od
ox
i like words that break up evenly.
because i am mildly obsessive compulsive
hopefully the woman i love will not die
and set me off so bad
that i need a nurse
even if it makes me a FANTASTICCRIMEDETECTIVE!
i'm still hungry.
i found a bruise
on my head(brain).
i'm sitting
in this foreign dorm room
for the first time alone
i was sort of alone
that one day
but she was in the other room
so it didn't count.
i am drinking peppermint tea
from a stolen teacup I retrieved
from its hiding spot
in the desk drawer
i had to hide it from the teacher
who's younger than my friends.
i am wondering if i want him to
and why.
i am reliving a time when i
chose not to choose
and this is closer to desire
and regret
than this play we're in
ever came.
i am contemplating sending you a message
about the funny shoes
you wore in my dream
when you wouldn't hug me goodbye
out of fear.
you did not concern yourself with my reputation
only the
potential
reactions
of those people
in the room
it would hurt
to get so smart.
in the dream,
of course.
i am wondering
if you knew me so well
you knew just how to lie
to set me right
or throw me off.
i am wondering if you didn't move your foot
off of mine
that night after the night
we shared a bed
and awkwardly shared ourselves
if you didn't move your foot
because you didn't notice
or you didn't care
or if it was because you did.
i think i'm the only one who plays that game.
i am wondering if my memories of you lie
if you are better or worse
than i allow myself
to recall.
i talk about you differently
than you actually were
most of the time
at any rate.
i don't care about you anymore
but several of the songs i still listen to
still care about you. any more songs
that care about people
against my instruction
will be boycotted until
such a time as they
learn to cooperate
and just be songs.
your song made me cry just now.
this is stream of consciousness writing
and you're not allowed to erase it.
any of it.
not yet.
i never liked tea until this summer.
that's something.
i will finish anna karenina this week.
if it kills me.
tolstoy might kill me
and leave me desireless and regretable.
undesired.
underworld.
underclothes.
underumbrellas.
underthebridge.
underoverunderover.
undertheearth.
underthesky.
underneathyou.
i deserve a gross person.
what
the
fuck.
i will not continue to indulge in this
behavioritisUNacceptableandINappropriateandnotthewayayoungLAdyshouldbehave.
i want to yell at the icecreamman.
i want a cherrypopsicle.
but peppermint tea will suffice.
i think i will be satisfied with life
when i own a teapot.
not the kind you put on the stove,
the kind you brew the tea in
seperate from the kettle
that sits on the stove.
this one is prettier
and ceramic maybe
and holds heat
and pours lovely
i think once i have this i will have everything i need in this world.
the pot-smoking midwife seemed happy when she poured hers
and it made a satisfying noise when it hit the mug
i sipped it out of
it was too strong for me then
but now it is everything i need.
that's a lie.
it is every need i allow myself to indulge in.
i wonder about the ghosts of dorm rooms
foreign dorm rooms
they'd be younger then
younger than the ghosts of creaky old houses
these are new ghosts
apathetic and emo ghosts
emo is not recognized as a word by the OPENOFFICEDICTIONARY.
it is not new.
i need more tea.
i wonder about the lead in the water
in DC
and if that guy's mom
would have survived longer
or been less miserable
or completely unaffected
or exactly the same.
i wonder if i am doing myself any long term damage
but i am sure i have done that
long ago
and long since
many other times
and that this one is less of an offense.
i am an enemy of the people.
but all the people i knew would forgive me have.
i haven't told the others.
yet.
told.
others.
the train went in two different directions
two trains
and sorry i could not hide in the storage car on both
and be one bum.
they weren't as vague as i remembered them
but they were as vague as i wanted them to be
at the time.
i'm going to read your favorite book.
i hope that you have folded page corners.
i wonder if you left it by accident.
i am not INdulging. no. stop correcting me.
dictionary.
i wonder if technology will get smarter than we want it to
because i've seen a lot of sci-fi movies
and tv shows
that warn about it.
i wonder if aliens came
and they were more intelligent than us
would we try to fight them
like animals defending themselves
against something they don't recognize
or would we suck up to them
and try to prove our worth
and desperately seek approval
as we do with humans we think are smarter than we are.
i'm hungry.
for someone who has a terrible fear
of getting in trouble
i really might be in the most uncomfortable situation possible
as far removed from my element as i could be.
i hope.
that i don't go farther.
i suppose i have control over that.
hopefully.
everything happens for a reason.
hopefully.
where's my faith.
i wonder what she said about women feeling guilty for being sexual
and if that has anything to do with how i operate.
and why.
and if i figure it out, if i should explain it to her
or leave it in the past.
dogdogdogtodaytodaybetrayalbetrayalbetrayaltodaybetrayalyellowyellowmeandyouyellowyellowmeandyoudogmeandyouflightbetrayaltoday.
i like speaking with my hands.
i thought about jasmine cruz just then.
and the murder mysteries.
i thought about her earlier today
because we were talking about childhood
and aladdin.
i may have always thought of her as a princess.
her with bangs
that she wanted to cut for me
that seemed like such a good idea at the time.
why wouldn't i trust a 9 year old wielding scissors near my face
when i'd trust myself behind the wheel of a car 5 beers deep and falling apart(asleep).
i tell the story like it's funny but i think i feel terrible about it and i can't deal.
i hope happy is working hard for me please.
un
or
th
od
ox
i like words that break up evenly.
because i am mildly obsessive compulsive
hopefully the woman i love will not die
and set me off so bad
that i need a nurse
even if it makes me a FANTASTICCRIMEDETECTIVE!
i'm still hungry.
i found a bruise
on my head(brain).