I don't have to work in the morning :-D
Thought I was gonna go almost 2 weeks without a day off, but someone picked up my 9am shift tomorrow, wuhoo! Now I am up at 11:30, ancy because I have finally finished the book I've been engrossed in for like a week (The Secret History, which sat on my bookshelf for 3 years before I picked it up, but once I did, I couldn't put it down), leaving me with nothing else to do. So here I am.
Things have been good since my return. Been at the Crust a lot trying to make back all that money I somehow seem to have left at various restaurants and gas stations in the New York area...funny how that happened. The Meg left for school last week, but she is already coming back to visit tomorrow. If I were footloose and baggage free I think we'd be "official" by now...the few times I've been accidentally called her girlfriend by others haven't sounded too bad...but for once I'm actually going to consciously make the decision to be a girlfriend when I'm good and ready. I feel like in the past I've just been blown around the dating pool, a strong wind of other people's desires landing me at random feet which I would blindly and happily cling to. I guess I'm not your average 21 year old, cause at the moment I have no desire to date around and get involved with people just for the hell of it. There's a lot of pain gets risked right from the start, and these days I need a little assurance that, at least for a while, a bet like that's gonna pay off. Right now my concerns lay primarily with myself. For reasons I can't fathom, there's still a little bit of past I am hanging on to, and I need to let that go completely before I enter into anything serious, to avoid making the same mistake that was last made against me. This girl...I haven't dated anyone like her. There's a kind of a light that radiates off of her. I would be sad to see it fade.
I've been wrapped up in a minor debate at work, about whether humans are innately selfish creatures. People do good things all the time, but perhaps we only do them because helping others makes us feel good about ourselves. This doesn't make our actions any less good - those we are helping still benefit the same. But it seems like this is a difficult concept for people to accept. No one wants to view him or her self as being selfish. I think that because we cannot exist outside ourselves, we have to be selfish creatures. I recently refunded all the money someone paid for my old bed, because she wasn't happy with it. I did not have to do this, I could have kept the money and bought the groceries I am currently struggling to afford. But I returned the money anyway. I did this because if I hadn't, I would have felt bad about it. The $100 was not worth the weight on my conscience. This is a minor example of course, but if good deeds made us feel bad, we wouldn't do them. So I guess the question really boils down to, which comes first? Do we perform the good deed and then feel good about it? Or do we know we will feel good about performing the good deed, and do it ultimately to gain that feeling? I'm quite sleepy at the moment, so I will have to pick this debate with myself back up tomorrow. But if there are any thoughts on the matter, I would love to hear them.
I think it's time for a lj change. Not sure what to, but I tire of the big white bar on the side of the screen. Are there any layout creating dealies like for myspace? If you know, lemme know.