Guilt and Shame
Jes Alexander reports on how home sales "parties" use guilt to pressure women into buying products they would otherwise ignore. Alexander cites Ann Campbell's study in Men, Women, and Aggression (1993), stating that women react to the aggressive sales techniques at these parties with a loss of control. However, the guilt she describes is not a sense of having done something wrong. Instead, she seems to be describing a reaction to peer pressure; the women she quotes say that they attend the parties to prevent the other women from talking behind their back.
This ties into the idea explored by Ferguson and Crowley (1997) that women tend to experience shame while men are more likely to experience guilt. John Bradshaw describes the difference between guilt and shame this way: "guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me." Keeping the constructs of guilt and shame distinct may be pivotal to understanding the differing reactions of men and women to criticism.
As I discussed in the commentary to Mother, May I?, the prospect of failure is far less intimidating to me than it once was. It is impossible for me to determine whether this is an effect of testosterone, of growing up, or changes in the social environment that I live in. However, I have begun to notice a difference in the way other people attempt to apply guilt and shame to me. Consider the phrases "What's wrong with you?" and "Why would you do something like that?" The first is an accusation, the second is a question. I find that other people are more likely to question my motives, rather than my character, in my new life. This difference makes it easier for me to do the same. I think this may have something to do with the perceived difference in emotional maturity. Women are expected to reach emotional maturity earlier than men. Men are expected to make stupid mistakes (and therefore, to be able to learn from them) for far longer than is permitted to women. Where I would have been judged as a woman, I find that now I am being taught.
This ties into the idea explored by Ferguson and Crowley (1997) that women tend to experience shame while men are more likely to experience guilt. John Bradshaw describes the difference between guilt and shame this way: "guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me." Keeping the constructs of guilt and shame distinct may be pivotal to understanding the differing reactions of men and women to criticism.
As I discussed in the commentary to Mother, May I?, the prospect of failure is far less intimidating to me than it once was. It is impossible for me to determine whether this is an effect of testosterone, of growing up, or changes in the social environment that I live in. However, I have begun to notice a difference in the way other people attempt to apply guilt and shame to me. Consider the phrases "What's wrong with you?" and "Why would you do something like that?" The first is an accusation, the second is a question. I find that other people are more likely to question my motives, rather than my character, in my new life. This difference makes it easier for me to do the same. I think this may have something to do with the perceived difference in emotional maturity. Women are expected to reach emotional maturity earlier than men. Men are expected to make stupid mistakes (and therefore, to be able to learn from them) for far longer than is permitted to women. Where I would have been judged as a woman, I find that now I am being taught.