Responsibility
Attending a graduation party of a dear childhood friend today I found myself forcing myself into social situations in which I may normally avoid. Those conversations with friends of parents, parents of friends, distant acquaintances, siblings of friends and so forth... I found, of course, that many of these conversations were refreshing. People are real and it's fascinating to hear about real lives that people are experiencing whether I am close to them or not. I would love to say that I want to have lengthy conversations with everyone I meet but in reality there is not enough time to divide amongst those already in my life and those that will only be present for a one-time appearance. Even so, when a time like this arises it only makes sense to take that step and talk to "the unlikely."
I spent the majority of the initial time trying to get to the younger sister of my friend... who is also a great childhood friend that, for whatever reason, became more and more distanced as we grew older. As children we'd been inseparable while the newly graduated sister was always secondary, but as we entered middle and high school we all separated and went our own ways. The younger sister remained a part of one of my friend circles but at a distance, and the older sister and I disconnected completely. Our mothers, however, are the very best of friends and have always made time to spend together each week. In this, they always found an excuse for all of us to get together again over lunch or dinner. In those times we would make small talk and hear about each other's lives.
When this happened I found myself connecting more and more to the older sister... while the younger sister felt uncomfortable and dis-included in our conversations. I had always wondered how to fix this but I felt there was little with which I could relate about the younger sister. I attempted to include her on our conversations but she became quiet and timid at all of these reunions.
Eventually I got past the various people stopping me to ask about my life in summary and was able to greet and talk to the younger sister. She leaned against a railing to the pavilion and appeared to be uncomfortable with the parents of friends inquiring about her life. Soon enough I was able to say hello and we began to talk. We reminisced our childhood - what people had predicted for us and what came true or didn't come true. We talked through futures and plans and... it was really, truly refreshing. I haven't had a chance to hear from her in so many years and it was wonderful to have the chance to talk with just her.
As we left the park my mom and I discussed my interaction with the younger sister. I mentioned I'd always felt like she'd felt left out or something but never really wanted to do anything about it and I had always struggled to know how to include her. My mom said she thought that was definitely true and proceeded to say that she thought the younger sister was always living the in the shadows of the older sister. From this I realized I am really grateful for the differences between my brother and I... I've never felt like there was a shadow I had to break through because my parents clearly value us both.
All of this led us into a discussion about people who quietly wish people would automatically connect with them without making an effort. I know two people in my life right now that are resentful for not being included in groups or conversations in which they made no effort to join. One of them has verbally admitted to feeling left out.
I want to include these people, but I feel like every effort that is made by myself, or others, is always dismissed by some excuse that only feeds into the distance.
My questions are: How do I ensure inclusion of people like this? Is it possible? At what level am I responsible for the participation of these people? And at what point should I feel peace in letting go?
I like including people around me, but there is a point at which it is no longer my efforts that will include someone, but rather a decision.
I spent the majority of the initial time trying to get to the younger sister of my friend... who is also a great childhood friend that, for whatever reason, became more and more distanced as we grew older. As children we'd been inseparable while the newly graduated sister was always secondary, but as we entered middle and high school we all separated and went our own ways. The younger sister remained a part of one of my friend circles but at a distance, and the older sister and I disconnected completely. Our mothers, however, are the very best of friends and have always made time to spend together each week. In this, they always found an excuse for all of us to get together again over lunch or dinner. In those times we would make small talk and hear about each other's lives.
When this happened I found myself connecting more and more to the older sister... while the younger sister felt uncomfortable and dis-included in our conversations. I had always wondered how to fix this but I felt there was little with which I could relate about the younger sister. I attempted to include her on our conversations but she became quiet and timid at all of these reunions.
Eventually I got past the various people stopping me to ask about my life in summary and was able to greet and talk to the younger sister. She leaned against a railing to the pavilion and appeared to be uncomfortable with the parents of friends inquiring about her life. Soon enough I was able to say hello and we began to talk. We reminisced our childhood - what people had predicted for us and what came true or didn't come true. We talked through futures and plans and... it was really, truly refreshing. I haven't had a chance to hear from her in so many years and it was wonderful to have the chance to talk with just her.
As we left the park my mom and I discussed my interaction with the younger sister. I mentioned I'd always felt like she'd felt left out or something but never really wanted to do anything about it and I had always struggled to know how to include her. My mom said she thought that was definitely true and proceeded to say that she thought the younger sister was always living the in the shadows of the older sister. From this I realized I am really grateful for the differences between my brother and I... I've never felt like there was a shadow I had to break through because my parents clearly value us both.
All of this led us into a discussion about people who quietly wish people would automatically connect with them without making an effort. I know two people in my life right now that are resentful for not being included in groups or conversations in which they made no effort to join. One of them has verbally admitted to feeling left out.
I want to include these people, but I feel like every effort that is made by myself, or others, is always dismissed by some excuse that only feeds into the distance.
My questions are: How do I ensure inclusion of people like this? Is it possible? At what level am I responsible for the participation of these people? And at what point should I feel peace in letting go?
I like including people around me, but there is a point at which it is no longer my efforts that will include someone, but rather a decision.