Regret & Instability
I woke in a fog this morning. I could not hear clearly out of either ear and thinking was through a haze... Luckily little kids don't notice when I'm distant. It doesn't take much to keep them engaged and they don't care if what I say is articulate and intelligent. I appreciate that about the kids. Contrarily, my co-workers notice when I'm not 100% pretty quickly. Staring off into space while my eyelids attempt to close and return to the slumber they desire.
Right now I'm breathing fire and my eyelids still fight with me on when to shut and when to stay open. I control my body, though. I can trick my body if I so desire and I can train my body just as well... it is only when the mind starts doubting that my body may win. The body cannot control the mind.
As I spoke with people I was only able to see those standing directly in front of me and oblivious to those surrounding the room. I awkwardly informed certain parents of my plans to quit in the next month while children ran chaotically around the room. I think the parents with whom I spoke did not feel awkward, but rather the ones standing by. Perhaps it was uncomfortable and my haze allowed me to believe things were okay... I can only assume as much.
I considered the reasons behind the spinning of my head and considered the amount of regret I'm carrying right now. I regret my doubts in people I should trust, I regret my inability to control my emotions at times, I regret letting my tongue speak when I ought to learn that I am only somewhat enjoyable in silence. I regret most of my conversations regardless of theme and I regret my decisions to change things.
The problem with my regret is that all of the things I regret are those that I've thought about before acting. One would believe that after consideration, prayer and time I might be proud of some of the things I've done, but it is, in fact, nearly always the opposite as of late. I try to carefully choose my words having "learned my lesson" in the last conversation and end up departing from those conversations with the same terrible knot in my stomach. I don't learn.
I know there is a plan and there is only One in control and that I just need to trust that plan. I know that I'm being tempted and attacked by the enemy trying to rip me from the path...and I feel this regret may be a tool he's using against me. I am not okay with that. Perhaps I was meant to be alone.... nothing else makes sense right now.
Right now I'm breathing fire and my eyelids still fight with me on when to shut and when to stay open. I control my body, though. I can trick my body if I so desire and I can train my body just as well... it is only when the mind starts doubting that my body may win. The body cannot control the mind.
As I spoke with people I was only able to see those standing directly in front of me and oblivious to those surrounding the room. I awkwardly informed certain parents of my plans to quit in the next month while children ran chaotically around the room. I think the parents with whom I spoke did not feel awkward, but rather the ones standing by. Perhaps it was uncomfortable and my haze allowed me to believe things were okay... I can only assume as much.
I considered the reasons behind the spinning of my head and considered the amount of regret I'm carrying right now. I regret my doubts in people I should trust, I regret my inability to control my emotions at times, I regret letting my tongue speak when I ought to learn that I am only somewhat enjoyable in silence. I regret most of my conversations regardless of theme and I regret my decisions to change things.
The problem with my regret is that all of the things I regret are those that I've thought about before acting. One would believe that after consideration, prayer and time I might be proud of some of the things I've done, but it is, in fact, nearly always the opposite as of late. I try to carefully choose my words having "learned my lesson" in the last conversation and end up departing from those conversations with the same terrible knot in my stomach. I don't learn.
I know there is a plan and there is only One in control and that I just need to trust that plan. I know that I'm being tempted and attacked by the enemy trying to rip me from the path...and I feel this regret may be a tool he's using against me. I am not okay with that. Perhaps I was meant to be alone.... nothing else makes sense right now.