Shutdown in Group
My next IP date is coming up… in about 4-6 weeks…
In my head the date was a lot further than it actually is in real life. Good God, I am not ready for this. Cliché but true: I'm TOO FAT for IP… compared to all the stick girls in there I will be the hugest one. I cannot do this. If I were 10 lbs lighter then maybe I feel like an imposter if I were to go in right now. An ED faker. I'm getting cold feet. One of my friends went into IP today. She's pregnant and it is her first IP stay. It brought up all kinds of feelings for me, reminding me of the day I went in and the jumble of emotions that were running through me at the time. Her admission today affected me a lot and I’m not quite sure why.
In other news… I was SO mad at Sonia, the psychologist and group facilitator for the ED group I go to (part of the "overall" treatment plan). I messed up again and left group before it even started. The thing is, I WANTED to be there and I went fully prepared to be there. I don't know what's wrong with me...
Sonia was so patronizing and wouldn't even LISTEN TO ME. Before group she pulled me aside and said that I must see a doctor once a week or else I cannot go to group. She kept saying "this is not up for debate" when I wasn't trying to debate anything. She basically told me if I don't, then I'm not welcome at group.
I understand why she wants me to be closely medically monitored, I just felt like I wasn't even free to voice my feelings around it. By voicing my feelings, it isn't me disagreeing or saying "no, i won't go to the doctor". I felt so shut down and like I said - patronized.
She wasn't even interested in hearing what I had to say. Even when I said, "I am not arguing about it, can I just say something". She flat out said no. I don't get it... they try to enourage us to express ourselves and then in a situation where I really was trying to do just that very thing, i got shut down and made to feel like I don't even deserve any of her time or airspace to say what I feel. I was NOT trying to debate about the medical monitoring thing but if she had even tried to listen to me for one minute she would have realized that. It's too bad she didn't want to hear me.
I don't know what to do. I truthfully did enjoy going to group and will miss the support I could have been getting from REAL people who I can talk to and not feel so isolated from. But now even more than ever I can't go back to group. I don't know what to do. On one hand I need that support from the group but on the other hand I'm too afraid she'll shut me down and I already feel bad enough about what happened without her treating me like i'm an irresponsible person who needs to be given an ultimatum.
In my head the date was a lot further than it actually is in real life. Good God, I am not ready for this. Cliché but true: I'm TOO FAT for IP… compared to all the stick girls in there I will be the hugest one. I cannot do this. If I were 10 lbs lighter then maybe I feel like an imposter if I were to go in right now. An ED faker. I'm getting cold feet. One of my friends went into IP today. She's pregnant and it is her first IP stay. It brought up all kinds of feelings for me, reminding me of the day I went in and the jumble of emotions that were running through me at the time. Her admission today affected me a lot and I’m not quite sure why.
In other news… I was SO mad at Sonia, the psychologist and group facilitator for the ED group I go to (part of the "overall" treatment plan). I messed up again and left group before it even started. The thing is, I WANTED to be there and I went fully prepared to be there. I don't know what's wrong with me...
Sonia was so patronizing and wouldn't even LISTEN TO ME. Before group she pulled me aside and said that I must see a doctor once a week or else I cannot go to group. She kept saying "this is not up for debate" when I wasn't trying to debate anything. She basically told me if I don't, then I'm not welcome at group.
I understand why she wants me to be closely medically monitored, I just felt like I wasn't even free to voice my feelings around it. By voicing my feelings, it isn't me disagreeing or saying "no, i won't go to the doctor". I felt so shut down and like I said - patronized.
She wasn't even interested in hearing what I had to say. Even when I said, "I am not arguing about it, can I just say something". She flat out said no. I don't get it... they try to enourage us to express ourselves and then in a situation where I really was trying to do just that very thing, i got shut down and made to feel like I don't even deserve any of her time or airspace to say what I feel. I was NOT trying to debate about the medical monitoring thing but if she had even tried to listen to me for one minute she would have realized that. It's too bad she didn't want to hear me.
I don't know what to do. I truthfully did enjoy going to group and will miss the support I could have been getting from REAL people who I can talk to and not feel so isolated from. But now even more than ever I can't go back to group. I don't know what to do. On one hand I need that support from the group but on the other hand I'm too afraid she'll shut me down and I already feel bad enough about what happened without her treating me like i'm an irresponsible person who needs to be given an ultimatum.