Running from the doctors
Yesterday I caused a bit of a scene at group.
We were sitting in the waiting room before group and then when we got called in I stood up a little too quickly and felt dizzy, shaky and lightheaded so I was hanging onto the wall while walking. Dammit, when will I ever learn that I have to move slowly going from lying or sitting to standing because of the abnormal orthostatic blood pressure thing.
The group facilitator freaked out and made me sit down in a separate room and wanted me to see a doctor, ASAP. All the doctors in the building were gone for the day so I would have to either get someone to pick me up (no way in hell! I'm not inconveniencing someone for something that's really not an issue, since I get lightheaded all the time) or she would call an ambulance to take me to emergency just to get checked out (what an effing ordeal for nothing!) why do people blow things out of proportion all the time? Sometimes I think it's just to cover their asses so if something were to happen to me no one would come back at them for being irresponsible. She said she would not let me leave let alone drive home. "Not over her dead body".
Anyways, I told her to go ahead and get the group settled (they were all waiting in the group room). The moment she left, I bolted for the door. I ran to my car, heart pounding, jumped in and drove away. I know it was incredibly wrong but in the moment I felt so trapped. I am terrified of being certified back into the hospital, my rights and decision-making taken away from me. When that happened back in September 09 and I was in IP, it was one of the most traumatic things. I know that I'm not sick enough to be certified at the moment but still, any indication of that happening has me running for the door. Literally.
I bet the group leader told my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon). I've got knots in my stomach thinking about how I'm going to face her and what her reaction might be. Anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment. I think her being disappointed in me would be the worst of all because I respect her and I truly like working with her. I don't want her to give up on me like so many have before.
*I'm fine by the way, the dizziness went away as it always does*.
We were sitting in the waiting room before group and then when we got called in I stood up a little too quickly and felt dizzy, shaky and lightheaded so I was hanging onto the wall while walking. Dammit, when will I ever learn that I have to move slowly going from lying or sitting to standing because of the abnormal orthostatic blood pressure thing.
The group facilitator freaked out and made me sit down in a separate room and wanted me to see a doctor, ASAP. All the doctors in the building were gone for the day so I would have to either get someone to pick me up (no way in hell! I'm not inconveniencing someone for something that's really not an issue, since I get lightheaded all the time) or she would call an ambulance to take me to emergency just to get checked out (what an effing ordeal for nothing!) why do people blow things out of proportion all the time? Sometimes I think it's just to cover their asses so if something were to happen to me no one would come back at them for being irresponsible. She said she would not let me leave let alone drive home. "Not over her dead body".
Anyways, I told her to go ahead and get the group settled (they were all waiting in the group room). The moment she left, I bolted for the door. I ran to my car, heart pounding, jumped in and drove away. I know it was incredibly wrong but in the moment I felt so trapped. I am terrified of being certified back into the hospital, my rights and decision-making taken away from me. When that happened back in September 09 and I was in IP, it was one of the most traumatic things. I know that I'm not sick enough to be certified at the moment but still, any indication of that happening has me running for the door. Literally.
I bet the group leader told my therapist (who I'm seeing this afternoon). I've got knots in my stomach thinking about how I'm going to face her and what her reaction might be. Anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment. I think her being disappointed in me would be the worst of all because I respect her and I truly like working with her. I don't want her to give up on me like so many have before.
*I'm fine by the way, the dizziness went away as it always does*.