Don't give me chocolate!
How is it that I manage to be such a terrible daughter all the time?
I constantly disappoint my mom, cause her so much pain and sadness and ruin all family get togethers. All she does is love me but her love is suffocating me. I know I am the reason our family is dysfunctional. They say I'm selfish and manipulative... and that everything's always gotta be about me. Me me me. Then on the other hand my treatment team says to work on my self esteem and to standing up for myself and my needs. They say I don't ask for what I want enough of the time. Well, what the hell am I supposed to believe when these are 2 completely opposite points of views about me? Can they both be right?
Tonight's big fight resulted from the Valentine's gift my mom gave me. I should have just smiled and thanked her but instead I tried to approach her about the effect the gift had on me. She got me chocolate. Not a few pieces of chocolate, but 3 huge boxes. No kidding - 1 box of turtles, a box of toblerone and a box of Lindt hearts. OMG. To an anorexic/bulimic that's like handing them a loaded gun. I was so shocked and hurt that she'd give me such a thing. It felt like she was totally dismissing the fact that I have an ED and trivializing it. You wouldn't give an alcoholic a case of beer, so why would you give a bulimic a shit-load of chocolate? She tells me to stop purging cold turkey and then gives me a huge trigger food... I don't get it. I still wish I had bitten my tongue and just given the chocolate away. I feel like an ungrateful bitch.
The broccoli I ate for dinner is sitting like a rock in my stomach. God, I better go to sleep before I engage in some more self-destructive behaviors. This morning I was spitting blood... this is getting insanely out of control and for once even *I* can see that living like this is NOT normal.
I constantly disappoint my mom, cause her so much pain and sadness and ruin all family get togethers. All she does is love me but her love is suffocating me. I know I am the reason our family is dysfunctional. They say I'm selfish and manipulative... and that everything's always gotta be about me. Me me me. Then on the other hand my treatment team says to work on my self esteem and to standing up for myself and my needs. They say I don't ask for what I want enough of the time. Well, what the hell am I supposed to believe when these are 2 completely opposite points of views about me? Can they both be right?
Tonight's big fight resulted from the Valentine's gift my mom gave me. I should have just smiled and thanked her but instead I tried to approach her about the effect the gift had on me. She got me chocolate. Not a few pieces of chocolate, but 3 huge boxes. No kidding - 1 box of turtles, a box of toblerone and a box of Lindt hearts. OMG. To an anorexic/bulimic that's like handing them a loaded gun. I was so shocked and hurt that she'd give me such a thing. It felt like she was totally dismissing the fact that I have an ED and trivializing it. You wouldn't give an alcoholic a case of beer, so why would you give a bulimic a shit-load of chocolate? She tells me to stop purging cold turkey and then gives me a huge trigger food... I don't get it. I still wish I had bitten my tongue and just given the chocolate away. I feel like an ungrateful bitch.
The broccoli I ate for dinner is sitting like a rock in my stomach. God, I better go to sleep before I engage in some more self-destructive behaviors. This morning I was spitting blood... this is getting insanely out of control and for once even *I* can see that living like this is NOT normal.