Stay or Go?
My thoughts right now are to leave the day after tomorrow. I'm still really uncertain about this and I'm honestly 50/50 right now. I will give myself until the end of the day to decide for sure. The ball is in my court now and I have to make a choice for myself. I don't want to make any impulse and rash decisions.
The psych said that if I leave right now the likelihood of me needing to come back in quickly is pretty high. She would put me right back on the IP waiting list if I choose to leave now. However, I don't think I'm truly ready for recovery right now. I'm ready to balance between sorta-sick and too-sick but not to commit wholly to getting better. Maybe my next admission will be more useful because I will be in a different headspace?
By me being decertified I feel like they're telling me I'm all healthy now and I feel guilty if I stay by choice. I cannot ask for help. I need my body to speak for me and it seems like it's not doing that because it's getting healthier, therefore looks like I need LESS help. All I know for sure is that I do not want to ever purge again in my life and if nothing else comes out of this IP stay I hope that I manage to break the purging cycle. When I came in, my basic goal was medical stability. I have reached that (minimally, but it still counts!). Even if I wanted to stay for sure I would feel immense guilt because I'm stable now. I don't deserve this bed in IP. I have always and still feel too healthy for it.
Zach came to visit on the weekend and he stuck right by my side the whole time. He wanted me and only me to carry him when we went for a little walk outside. I guess the extra calories I burned from carrying all 35 lbs of him for 15 minutes was a bit too much for my body because my blood sugars dropped really low right afterwards. They have been testing low quite a lot, which scares me because I know that low blood sugars = meal plan increase soon to come.
In my head, all day long it's "stay or go". The question keeps arising and I wish I knew. I fear regretting my choice in the future. I hate the feeling of regret. It's the worst emotion because there is nothing you can do to change the past. It's over and done with. Permanent. I want to choose the path I will not regret later on.
The psych said that if I leave right now the likelihood of me needing to come back in quickly is pretty high. She would put me right back on the IP waiting list if I choose to leave now. However, I don't think I'm truly ready for recovery right now. I'm ready to balance between sorta-sick and too-sick but not to commit wholly to getting better. Maybe my next admission will be more useful because I will be in a different headspace?
By me being decertified I feel like they're telling me I'm all healthy now and I feel guilty if I stay by choice. I cannot ask for help. I need my body to speak for me and it seems like it's not doing that because it's getting healthier, therefore looks like I need LESS help. All I know for sure is that I do not want to ever purge again in my life and if nothing else comes out of this IP stay I hope that I manage to break the purging cycle. When I came in, my basic goal was medical stability. I have reached that (minimally, but it still counts!). Even if I wanted to stay for sure I would feel immense guilt because I'm stable now. I don't deserve this bed in IP. I have always and still feel too healthy for it.
Zach came to visit on the weekend and he stuck right by my side the whole time. He wanted me and only me to carry him when we went for a little walk outside. I guess the extra calories I burned from carrying all 35 lbs of him for 15 minutes was a bit too much for my body because my blood sugars dropped really low right afterwards. They have been testing low quite a lot, which scares me because I know that low blood sugars = meal plan increase soon to come.
In my head, all day long it's "stay or go". The question keeps arising and I wish I knew. I fear regretting my choice in the future. I hate the feeling of regret. It's the worst emotion because there is nothing you can do to change the past. It's over and done with. Permanent. I want to choose the path I will not regret later on.