(no subject)
I hate feeling like I am worthless. I feel like I just want to cry. This house is getting to me horribly. I feel like I am 16 again living in this house. I cant take it anymore. I am so afraid to apply for a job because Im afraid I wont be able to go to the interview, or I will be able to go to the interview but the bitch I call mother will make up excuses as to why I cant take the job. I feel like all the good in me is being sucked away. Like I shouldnt be the way that I am. I worked so hard all my life not to be like them... and they make me feel like I am wrong for being the way that I am. Not like them.
I remember how I use to stay happy living here, but I dont want to resort to it again, however I am not above doing it again just to feel some sort of happy and not to be afraid to do anything anymore.
They say that TJ isnt a man because he isnt doing what Jeff did to get me and Sami out if this house. They hate TJ because he stood up to them. They didnt like Jeff because he stood up to them. They didnt like anyone I have ever dated. No Im sorry they liked 1 person I dated, and that was it. He was kinda like how Rick was with Judy.
I dont want to burden anyone with my inner feelings of this. I know everyone knows I am unhappy here, but only a select few actually know what this house did to me. So I do the only thing I can and put the fake smile on my face for the public and act as if nothing is wrong. I use to be good at that, and I think I am starting to be good at it again.
I will be so glad when I am out of here and I dont have to have anything to do with these people ever again. I can go on with my life and when people ask me about my parents I can say I have no parents anymore, and I can make up a story about how they died horrible deaths. However, I might have to keep some contact with them for Sami, if she asks to see them. But only if she asks to see them.
Its pretty sad when I cant even refer to them as my parents anymore, I refer to them as those people or my mother as bitch and my father as asshole.
If someone doesnt hire me soon, I think I am slowly going to deteriorate and lose any spec of happy I have left in me.
I remember how I use to stay happy living here, but I dont want to resort to it again, however I am not above doing it again just to feel some sort of happy and not to be afraid to do anything anymore.
They say that TJ isnt a man because he isnt doing what Jeff did to get me and Sami out if this house. They hate TJ because he stood up to them. They didnt like Jeff because he stood up to them. They didnt like anyone I have ever dated. No Im sorry they liked 1 person I dated, and that was it. He was kinda like how Rick was with Judy.
I dont want to burden anyone with my inner feelings of this. I know everyone knows I am unhappy here, but only a select few actually know what this house did to me. So I do the only thing I can and put the fake smile on my face for the public and act as if nothing is wrong. I use to be good at that, and I think I am starting to be good at it again.
I will be so glad when I am out of here and I dont have to have anything to do with these people ever again. I can go on with my life and when people ask me about my parents I can say I have no parents anymore, and I can make up a story about how they died horrible deaths. However, I might have to keep some contact with them for Sami, if she asks to see them. But only if she asks to see them.
Its pretty sad when I cant even refer to them as my parents anymore, I refer to them as those people or my mother as bitch and my father as asshole.
If someone doesnt hire me soon, I think I am slowly going to deteriorate and lose any spec of happy I have left in me.